Am I a social phobic? Anxiety disoder sufferer? Avoidant personality?

[Whoog]

This is really going to sound like a sob story but I'm going to lay it all out because I am at my wit's end and it's affecting my life in so many ways right now.  I know no one can diagnose me but I just want to see if this is familiar to you guys and what you did and how it worked out.   And, I apologize if this is redundant.  I just thought I should start a thread.

When I was about 8 I was kicked off my basketball team because the other girls simply didn't like me and got together and took a vote that they didn't want me on the team.  I was routinely and publicly mocked when I got on the bus each morning.  Most of my teachers didn't like me.  I was a hypochondriac.  I would hide when I heard people coming into a room.  Like, in my own house, when I knew full well that it was just a family member coming into the room I still felt an overwhelming need to hide and I did.  All this continued into high school.  I ate lunch alone sometimes I would just walk the halls so I didn't have to be "on display" eating by myself.  I had a few friends but not many and rarely went out.  I had almost constant stomach pains because I was always worried about something. 

I went to college and ended up flunking out because I wouldn't go to class because I was too scared.  I dropped out of classes or just stopped going if I found out on the first day that I had to make a speech or read any writings out loud at any point during the semester.  I didn't really have any friends and spent most of my time in college in my apartment.  Again, I had a few friends but they were friends I made because of circumstance.  I had a friend who I met because we were roommates softmore year.  And, another girl I worked with.  I just stopped socializing almost completely.

I have almost been fired from jobs because I am incapable of giving a speech or talk to a group of people.  I spend my time in my apartment.  I'm too scared to make phone calls to people I don't know for work.  I don't really know what I'm scared of though.  I guess that I'll look like an idiot.  I guess just general judgement.  I feel like I've been judged my whole life and I hate it.  I also constantly worry.  I can't stand people looking at me.  I worry about things I can change, things I can't change, things that might happen or even just worry about my own procrastination.  I only have relationships rarely and they last a couple months.  I may dump them if I see signs that they won't always support me.  Like, I think I pretend it's a loyalty issue but I think it might be better described as me not trusting them not to hurt my feelings or talk about me or share information about me.  I have no energy.  I am exhausted by all this.

It sounds so sad when I look at it.  I don't really think it's sad so much as I don't want to be this way anymore.  I'm sad in the way that I'd be sad if I had cancer or something.  I've had periods in my life where my symptoms are almost non-existent but they always come back.  I've been seeing a psychologist but I don't even think I can be completely honest to him about these symptoms because I think he'll judge me.  I know this sounds so stupid, but I have a horrible time feeling like I've disappointed someone or that they might think I'm weak or pathetic.   The reason I don't want to tell him is because I asked him if he thought there was something "wrong" with me in the sense that I might have a chemical imbalance.  He told me, basically, that he doesn't think I have a chemical imbalance.  He thinks I'm depressed because of certain personal issues I've had in the past couple of months, and that I'm in control of my own behavior.  I like his explanation in one sense because that means I can change it but I don't think he's right, and I know it's my fault he's not right.  If I told him all this then he might come to a different conclusion.  It's to the point where I want to see another doctor so I can tell him/her just so I don't have to "disappoint" my current doctor. 

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?   
 

[imalwaysanxious]

I'm no doctor, but I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Your symptoms sound similar to mine. I'm terrified of most social situations, especially public speaking of any kind. I have to pass an oral communications class this fall in order to get my degree...lets just say I'm not looking forward to it...lol! I'm taking meds though (prozac for depression, xanax for anxiety). I'm hoping the meds will stabilize me enough to pull it off. It sounds like you need to be more honest with your doctor in order to get properly diagnosed. It's not a sign of weakness, but courage and humility to reach out for help. Best of luck.

[Daisy131]

please dont' worry about disappointing your doctor. they are trained to be completely non judgemental. and trust me, they have heard it all. i have held things back from therapists in the past, but it gets you nowhere- especially when they are trying to help diagnose you. please do yourself a favor and tell your psychologist everything so that they can help you. you won't disappoint them, or even make them mad. a lot of people have a hard time opening up to a stranger, especially when they have social anxiety.