GAD and sex

[3xhausted]

My partner has GAD and it has destroyed her libido.  She just does not want to have nor does she seem to need sex. 

Unfortunately I need sex to feel connected to my partner.  It makes me feel wanted and desired.  This is something that I require in a relationship.

I've tried being supportive and we're in therapy but I'm starting to wonder if she'll ever come around.  We tried going to the gym together but she would start arguments during the workout in an effort to just not workout with me.  I tell her I think she looks fantastic in her outfits, that I love the way she looks,  I love her eyes, her body, etc... 

If I bring up the issue she tells me that she feels that sex is expected and that it makes her anxious.  The problem is that if I don't bring it up it never happens.
She hates her body and constantly puts herself down whenever we go out. 

The thing that I don't understand is that she can walk around me completely nude but as soon as I get close or want to be intimate she feels gross.  On the rare occasions we do get intimate all the lights need to be off.

I don't know what to do.  Any thoughts?

Maybe some of you have gone through this as anxiety sufferers and can give me some insight?

[bluewings]

It's like reading something my husband wrote about me!

I hear my husband say everything you are quite frequently.  Probably even weekly.

You probably don't want to hear this, but hearing all that at all frequently can create even more anxiety.  We can become anxious about being anxious, which in turn leads to a definite lower libido.

If you're in therapy, this is something that should be addressed.  If it hasn't already, it needs to be brought up.  I think my husband and I feel connected and have that need to be sexually active with one another to be connected, so I can understand where you're coming from.  Your wife may even feel the same way. 

Rather though than tell you about us, what I can say is that you need to really listen to her.  When she does speak to you, especially about what is making her anxious, upset, sad, depressed.... really listen.  Listen to the words she chooses when she's speaking to you.  Sometimes being complimented over and over can really make the meaning go away.  That doesn't mean stop complimenting, dear God no, lol, but find other ways to make her feel attractive, beautiful, "acceptable".

No one on here is going to be able to advise you like the words from your spouse can.  Anyone with anxiety desperately needs a supportive, loving, sympathetic, generous and helpful spouse or loved one.  It's so much more difficult to deal with our idiosyncratic anxieties when we don't have that help and support.

I'm sure there are things that you guys as a couple need to work out.  I know you're in therapy, but there have to be other ways during the day and week and month that you can show your wife that you're helping her out.  That you're supporting her.

If you're not patient with her, you're going to make matters worse.  It's not what you want to hear, but that's how it is.  Anxiety, depression and stress all lower libido.  If you increase the anxiety by bringing it up, you're digging your own grave.  If you know, or can find out, what makes her anxious and help ease her daily anxieties... then try bringing it up again.  Or maybe schedule a real sit-down about sex and it's importance to you.  Don't ask for it that night, or even week... but let her express herself without feeling like it means talking about it = having to feel pressured to do it.

Wish you luck!

[pauly j]

There are several things here that may be causing her to feel this way.  I am not sure if you are male or female, as you refer to your significant other as a partner.  Anyhow, here are my opinions on how I view this issue.  !.  She may be having issues with self esteem.  No matter how beautiful one appears on the outside, the fact is that one may still feel unattractive.  This may be a result of poor self esteem, depression, or some other unknown issue.  2.  Maybe she just does not want to be intimate with you.  I know this may be hard to accept, but I have been on both sides with this with my wife.  The hints that she avoids any physical contact with you maybe a clue.  3.  Anxiety, in generally, can cause one to lose sexual drive.  Dealing with all anxiety entails can leave one physically and emotionally drained.  When someone is feeling anxious and fearful, sex is not something that is in the forefront of ones mind.  You may want to have a heart to heart talk with her.  Therapy is good for the both of you right now, hopefully you will have some solutions to this.  I realize the importance of sex for some.  Being intimate with loved ones can be reassuring, feeling wanted and connected.  Again this is just my opinion, not necessarily the facts.  I hope things get better for the both of you!

pauly j

[bluewings]

2.  Maybe she just does not want to be intimate with you.  I know this may be hard to accept, but I have been on both sides with this with my wife.  The hints that she avoids any physical contact with you maybe a clue.

I wouldn't put too much stock in this one.  Anxiety, as we all know, takes a lot out of you sexually.  Also, as a woman who also feels significantly unattractive despite her spouse's best efforts, I can easily say that even if I want to be intimate, my own anxiety and self-esteem will keep me from being intimate with my husband because i'm more concerned about my appearance.

It is also worth noting that your (the OP) advances may be at inappropriate times.  Are you asking for intimacy when she is in the middle of doing something?  When she is clearly anxious or stressed?  When you've just fought?  Think of when you're asking for it and why, at that moment, she may be saying no.

I do agree with pauly j though that a good heart-to-heart is called for.

[3xhausted]

Thank you both for your responses I really appreciate them.  Just for clarification I am a guy.  Sorry for any confusion.

I'm trying not to bring up sex but it's getting harder and harder to just shut down that portion of myself while I be supportive of her needs.  Sometimes I feel like I'm locked inside of myself.  To bring up the issue causes anxiety but to not bring up the issue is killing me slowly.  There are times where I feel like I'm screaming inside while I always have to project a calm and supportive demeanor on the outside.

I'm going to bring it up in therapy again to get it off my chest.  This way I'll get an idea as to what's going on in her head in a controlled environment. 

In the mean time I'll do my best to work on the relationship and try to make her feel comfortable and have fun.  Hopefully it's just anxiety and she hasn't checked out of the relationship.

[bluewings]

Thank you both for your responses I really appreciate them.  Just for clarification I am a guy.  Sorry for any confusion.

I'm trying not to bring up sex but it's getting harder and harder to just shut down that portion of myself while I be supportive of her needs.  Sometimes I feel like I'm locked inside of myself.  To bring up the issue causes anxiety but to not bring up the issue is killing me slowly.  There are times where I feel like I'm screaming inside while I always have to project a calm and supportive demeanor on the outside.

I'm going to bring it up in therapy again to get it off my chest.  This way I'll get an idea as to what's going on in her head in a controlled environment. 

In the mean time I'll do my best to work on the relationship and try to make her feel comfortable and have fun.  Hopefully it's just anxiety and she hasn't checked out of the relationship.

While it's never unlikely she's checked out, I do doubt it :)  If she is in therapy with you, that's a good sign.  I hope the therapy is helping you both.  Utilize the therapy for YOUR benefits too.  It is couple's therapy after all.  While a lot of it is probably about her, it doesn't need to be all about her.  I think it's very wise that you'll bring it up in a controlled environment.

I wish I knew something to say to help you out.  I'm sure you're going through exactly what my husband does at times too.  I can tell, even despite his calm air, that he is frustrated and whatnot though at times. 

Regardless, it's important that you BOTH realize that it's a marriage and everyone's needs and wants are to be heard and respected and thought of.  Helping her out is good, very good, but I wouldn't keep it in.  Talking about it is the best first step.

Wish you guys both much luck. 

[Rabana]

Wow this totally resonantes with me. Bear with me for a little background and I am open to your feedback, especially from the ladies that are suffering with GAD.
I got out of an 18 yo relationship in October after dancing around that bescision for 6 years while I did lots of personal improvement work to become a better man and partner. In the last 2 years I became acquainted with a lovely woman through a mutual friend. She was always upbeat, funny, conversant and very intelligent in the social settings. She is also very beautiful. A year ago we were working at a winery for crush and spent the day laughing, flirting and having fun. I had tickets for a ball game and my 18 year partner was not interested in going. So on a whim I asked my friend. We met at the game, had fun, laughed, talked about how her bf was upset that I asked her to join me, he wanted to know what my agenda was. She told him I am and  have been a friend for years  that's all. He was non plussed, moving on now.
She was aware and had been for most of the time we have know one another that I was terribly unhappy in my relationship. As we became closer and our discussions became more intense it was clear we were attracted to one another. Now integrity is important for both of us and I was at this point, feeling I was at least in denial and lookking back now out of personal integrity. She would not falter on this issue. She would not be the oher woman. I agreed and told her I would not ask her to be. After most of our get togethers there usually was a friendly kiss nothing sensual, even though the energy and pheromones were thick as London fog. We stuck to (thanks to her) our agreement no passionate kissing, touching or anything sexual while I was in a relationship. I was discovering the man I had inside that had been lost for the last 5 years and I missed him and was glad to have him back in my life. Her steadfast committment to her values gave me courage to do the right thing for me...get out of the misery. This type of meetings went on for weeks with sporting events, texting, flirting, emailing and I guess dating stuff. I found myself excited when I thought about her and looked forward to hearing from her. Then in October I was picking grapes all day on a Saturday and on the drive home I texted her. We were flirting and on a whim, I asked her if we could meet when she got off work, She said sure where...at that moment I said, I was thinking a nice hotel with a hot tub, expecting it would be viewed as the usual flriting. Well she said ok and what hotel? I was overwhelmed with anticipation. Long story short we met, I had champagne, a hot tub with a rubber duckie and me in a robe waiting. When she arrived I met her at the door with a glass of champagne and we kissed. We did not have any sex just a lot of me attempting to and her holding the line. By the end of the night we had kept the integrity of our agreement (much to my chargraine) and I headed to my place and I left her in the beautiful hotel room. Sunday morning was a football game and as had become the custom there was a dramatic production with my gf about the game and it was at that moment that I announced I had to get out. I was done. I had the courage to do this from finding my inner man again and the happiness I had lost. That was October 26 or so.

The reason  for this background is tied to this libido question. I did move out and into a efficiency condo-continued to see my friend, and now with no fear of being the other woman our relationship took a meteoric shot. We were in separable. Sex was amazing and she stopped by my condo the first night for a "sleep over" that first night and we've been together ever since. That was November. In March she asked me to move to her home, which I did in April. We are just about done remodelling and our relationship has now become very much room mate like. Now with the recent diagnosis of GAD ( with in the last 2 weeks) following months (since our Maui vacation in January of waining sex drive) all the depression and unhappiness she has been feeling make sense. The statement "I have no joy in life" and "your constatnt care giving attention is your subconscious effort for reassurance is suffocating me and sucking my energy" she views me as needy because I as you mention, find the intimacy to be my reassurance that I am loved. I should mention there was a vry traumatic work related issue for me that has shaken my confidence upon our return from Muai. The more I have tried to fix the issues the more distant she has become-which I competely understand as of right now.Your shares have given context to her words. I am hopeful that by me being more supportive as you described we will begin to rediscover our passion. As soon as she is stablized with her GAD meds I want to begin couples therapy and hope she agrees. This is my soul mate and she told me I am the best thing to ever happen to her in her life-albeit not recently.
The question to you all is... Does this make sense? Is the GAD and her internal anxieties the big part of the disconnect and distance because I have pushed so hard to reconnect and fix? Or did I make a mistake?

Apologies for the lengthy post but this group of courageous men and women has been so inbcredibily helpful for me in a few days and I know there will be opinions and  advice that I will be able to use.

[derrick]

Interesting subject. I am a married man suffering from panic and anxiety. While it certainly has effected my libido I would still be ready to go at the drop of a hat, typical guy hugh girls? My problem is my wife is post menopausal and her sex drive has evaporated. Sex once or twice a year doesn't cut it for me. So what to do? I don't want her to have sex out of obligation, i get great pleasure from here being turned on. I don't want to leave, seems very shallow to leave a relationship because your mate's sex drive has diminished.

I think what we all need to do is figure out how to take care of ourselves. I'm not talking physically here but that would be OK, I'm talking about emotionally. Most of us guys rely on a sexual relationship to take care of our emotional needs and when it dissappears we are left in turmoil not knowing how to take care of ourselves. We can also work on being intimate without having sex. What is that?
I'm not really sure but am trying to explore the possibilities. I think having fun together is important. Talking and connecting is also important. I would love to hear any thoughts from anyone else on how to stay connected to your partner without having sex?

[Crimson Serenity]

The question to you all is... Does this make sense? Is the GAD and her internal anxieties the big part of the disconnect and distance because I have pushed so hard to reconnect and fix? Or did I make a mistake?

It's very likely to be the GAD issue. "Pushing harder" creates more distance; this is not something YOU can fix. SHE needs to recover; and in the meantime it's very difficult on a relationship. For the first year of my marriage, I wasn't certain my partner and I would make it: 90% of that due to my disorders -- pre-recovery.

As I recovered, things have gotten amazingly better and better. Our relationship may be the healthiest it's ever been. But it was MY choice to pick myself up and start treatment. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make that happen for her. You can suggest therapy and other things (exercise, a healthy diet, etc.) ... tell her of others' experiences ... but when it comes down to it -- the effort must be hers or it won't last. The only thing you can do is draw a boundary on how long you will put up with the issues, for your own health.

As Derrick says, the thing you need to do is figure out how to take care of yourself. You can work on being intimate without sex; and often emotional intimacy is a better way to reach sexual intimacy for a woman (men usually seem to need sexual intimacy in order to create emotional intimacy). Talking, doing little "surprises" for one another and revisiting the days of dating and romance... all these are ways to achieve that intimacy.

But also you have to realize that there is a limit to which you can go on without your needs met. And she needs to have this explained, too. My husband warned me more than once that he was reaching his limit; this is part of what led me to hit rock bottom. I knew my marriage would fail if I didn't get help, if something did not change. I knew that I was not only failing myself, but failing him, too. I was a huge burden. But this has to be explained in a way that does not place blame or it will only drive the person further within. It's a tricky thing.

Only you can decide how long you will stay in a relationship where the other partner does not make an equal effort. Of course take her situation into account and grant her leeway there, give her time and understanding and support, but ultimately you must also care of yourself. If someone continues to make the choice to stay unhealthy for years despite your best efforts, you must evaluate whether or not your effort is sustainable and whether or not the situation is healthy for YOU. Also remember that none of this is your fault.

Couple's counseling will help you communicate your needs, too, absolutely.