I don't recall always having social anxiety, but I guess it could have started early on and just continued to get worse throughout my life. I never want to go anywhere and usually sit home by myself watching TV.
I am an attractive woman and I like myself, but for some reason when I get out in public I panic and feel like I can't breath. I won't walk into a place by myself. I don't buy groceries because I don't want to go to the grocery store. I avoid going out at all costs. I work a full time job but I am a software engineer so that enables me to keep to myself pretty much. I haven't missed work because of anxiety, but I give up many opportunities to get out and have fun and meet people. I do avoid business trips though, and make up excuses why I can't go. I don't like going on business trips because I have to go in the airport by myself.... "what if I miss the plane?, What if I mess up somehow and everyone is staring at me?"... I hate living like this. I am miserable.
My whole life I have had someone with me whether it be my parents, or a significant other. I was 13 when my mother abandoned me and I always felt a sense of "I am not wanted", then I got married at 19 years old and my husband (of 10 years) always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He was very verbally and mentally abusive, which is probably why I stayed with him for 10 years (I believed I was worthless). I finally got the strength to get out of that life and put myself through college. I don't know how I got through college with anxiety, but I don't recall being all that anxious at school. I always got to class early so I didn't have to walk in and have everyone stare at me. (that's my biggest problem, I think everyone is looking at me).
I married a second time a short time after my first marriage (a little co dependency thing going on). He was not very nice either. I believe this is when my anxiety started to get worse. I left him after 2 years and moved into another relationship. This is when I realized I feared being alone more than I feared being with someone who mistreated me. This next relationship lasted a couple years. He was physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive.
I have been single for 3 years now. I have learned to live alone and I am happy for the most part. I am only comfortable when I am alone. I would much rather sit home and watch the news then to get dressed and go out with my friends. I go to work every day, but I come straight home after work. I order food to be delivered so I don't have to go to the store. I don't call anyone and rarely answer my phone. I prefer texting! I don't date. I can't date, and won't even consider dating. I hate meeting new people. The only way I can have a good time anywhere other than home by myself is if I drink. Liquid courage always helps!
I know I am not crazy and I know that my fears are ridiculous but I can't overcome the thoughts. I worry about everything to a point I can't fall asleep many nights. Hopefully others experience this and can share their thoughts.. if not, maybe I am truly crazy!?