Okay, I apologize for the length in advance, but here's my story:
What I would like to get out of the way at first, is that I have no history of heart failure in my family. That being said, my father had a heart attack in his early fifties due to smoking. He's alive to this day and has thankfully quit smoking. Other than that, the only known thing "running in the family" is diabetes. My grandmother died of it, but no one else in the family has developed it. I'm a twenty-three year old who was once in the military and have no known illnesses other than the nasty mental ones. I weigh 150lbs and am 71cm (5'11).
For as long as I can remember, I've been followed by my anxiety. In every single situation I've experienced, from childhood to early adulthood, it's been lurking around the corner waiting patiently for the day it would come out and strike. That day was a few years ago in May, two weeks before I had left for my duty station in Hawaii. I figure that all those days and nights worrying what the next day would bring me in boot camp and A-schooling compounded into a lot of stress and finally set me off. I don't want to go into detail about how my first panic attack happened and what I felt because it's still very traumatic for me, so I'll be brief: I was short of breath, my hands were tingling, my chest was tight, and I feared I was experiencing my last few moments on earth as I was rushed to the hospital by my friends. I waited and waited that night to be seen by a doctor on a cold hospital bed, a low priority to the countless number of swine-flu cases. When the doctor arrived, she ran some tests-- my first EKG being one of them and some blood work which all came out fine.
Fast forward a little over two years and here i am, an agoraphobic with no job and no hope for recovery. In the few years I've been dealing with all this stress, I've had my heart looked at countless numbers of times by several different doctors, including military docs. I've had two echo-cardiograms, eight or nine EKG's, two stress tests, three of four ordered blood tests, a few chest x-rays, and my blood pressure is pretty consistent at a range of 110-120 over 70-80. Everyday I tell myself that I've had all of these tests considered and every doctor tells me that everything is normal. Yet I still worry every moment of the day. I worry when I get up to go downstairs and get some water to drink, I worry that while taking a shower I'll collapse and die, I worry that walking down the street I'll have a heart attack and die right there on the cold concrete.
You might be thinking there's no need for so much worry, but I just can't help it. My physical symptoms have taken control of my life. I suffer from severe dizziness, light-headed feelings, chest pressure and tightness, unfocused eyes, difficulty opening my mouth to speak, etc. I haven't lost or gained weight and I eat throughout the day, so I haven't lost my appetite or anything. These strange sensations scare me to death, and I'm afraid that one day the term "scare me to death" will be a reality.
What I try to tell myself each day is that I haven't died yet from whatever has been plaguing my thoughts and emotions. I haven't suffered a heart attack and collapsed. But I still fear everything I do will change that, and that I will succumb to my dramatic visions. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone else feel the same? I feel like I won't live to see the day of my next doctor's appointment on the 21st of July. It seems ten years away. Help!
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Topic: Heart worriers/Cardiophobic Roll Call (Read 15297 times)
February 17, 2012, 07:57:59 AM
