Outsider, by design....but not MY design

[self destroyed]

    As a new member to this forum I feel a bit awkward telling my innermost fears and worries.  I was raised by a mother who was diagnosed borderline personality.  I came into the family at a bad time.  My mother had my older sister.  She was beautiful, and mommies little angel.  My mom had a very good job and was very unhappily married to my unemployed father.  Evidently, my birth was the very reason my mom lost her job and had to become dependate on what my father earned, logging wood.  My mother began  abusing me  at that time.  Within four years my parents economic situation improved greatly.  My younger brother was born.  My mom had her first born angel, Dad had his little boy, I was  all that was wrong in my mothers life......and  her biggest aggravation at the tender age of four.
      My mom enmeshed  herself with my sister and they became as one when it came to  the maltreatment that was poured out upon me.  Dad was a workaholic and was rarely around.  ( Something my mother enjoyed because he never saw how she abused me.)  My brother was always on the go with other adult male members of the family.  Nothing has  changed since then. 
     I Know For a Fact that my sister systematically worked to destroy any relationship I ever had.  I know, because she told me so.  Just as my mother told me the same thing.  I did not deserve to have friends.  I was to stupid.  My mother told me regularly that she hated me.  She told me that she hated the sound of my water glass touching the table.  She hated the sound of my voice.  Together, they showed me letters that they received from my friends in the mail ( I was around ten at the time) telling my mom and sister how wrong they ( my friends)  must have been about me.  My friends had thought me nice and fun.  Until they read whatever letter mom and sis had mailed them first. 
     Highschool was horrendous.  I was not an unattractive young lady.  And when young boys my older sisters age showed intrest in me....sis told mom I was acting like a sl@#.  This brought on a through beating, phone calls by mom to everyones parents in my class, and calls to the high school principle.  I lived in  a virtual prison at home and at school.  The calls to parents, made already tentative relationships impossible.
      As my depression deepend, my family members made my misery their own form of entertainment.  Often my sisters friends were allowed, even encouraged to torment me.  The whole community it seemed, took part in these activities....because my sister must be right about me ....right?  I mean after all, she was beautiful, very very well dressed, and very outgoing.  I looked sad, wore hand medowns with holes, and was smoldering with tears and anger.  I lived in such fear that I dare not speak up or ask for help.  Such actions on my part would surely invoke a conversation with a parent.  And somehow everything ---   was always MY fault.  Which of course meant another sound beating and all the house work my mother could find or better yet, create. 
    Some of these behaviors still happen today.  Especially the poor press from dear old Sis.  She takes pride in it.  After all she always did tell me she was 'Better than me.'  She still feels that way, and is teaching  her children the same thing. 
    I don't know how to stand up to these actions.  If I speak up, I have found that it all comes out at once, unedited, nonsensical, furious and in a flood of tears.  So still....I say nothing.  How can I win against such a well trained army?
     I have found, looking back, that I completely lived up to their expections.   
     So, I have indeed, been my own destruction.  But now that I can see it.......maybe I can begin to live.