first anniversary of daughter assault

[linzac]

My daughter was raped almost one year ago and refuses to get help or prosecute the kid who did this to her. When we took her to PAAR, they said this is common with teens. We have a rough year, she has been in and out of hospitals, therapy etc.  I love her more than life itself and this is just killing me that I can't "fix" it. Lately she has been having dreams about the attack again and is becoming very depressed again. She does see a therapist and doctor along with a therapist in the private school she attends.  How can I help her see that she may need to seek help for PTSD in addition to her other issues.  I wish there was a group that she could talk to that could tell her that this could help her, I've been trying to keep myself healthy mentally also but I feel useless and could use some advice.

[Cuchculan]

For starters you are doing the best you can. A parent couldn't do any more. So don't beat yourself up over it. It is more a case of what your daughter has within her mind. I am sure there are reasons she doesn't wish to take it any further for now. Most probably just wants to lock it away. Thinking that will solve everything. It is here she may learn a hard lesson. That locking things away solves nothing at all. But she is the person who has to see this for herself. Many of us have had things happen to us in life and just got on with life. Four or five might pass. Then ' WHAM ' out of nowhere the world comes crashing down. That is PSTD for you. The sleeping giant. I just get this idea that she doesn't want to have re-live the ordeal again. To take it to court this would happen. Plus it may become public. There is all that side to things. She is most probably afraid of all of that. What would others think and say if they knew about this. As most times the rape victims can feel like it was their fault. Bad way to think / feel. But it is something a lot of them go through. Guilt. Even though they were the victim of such a nasty attack. Theraphy may help her see through all of this. That she was the victim. It may make her a stronger person. Strong enough to want to face up to her attacker in a courtroom. It depends on the approach of the therapist. I can only imagine the thoughts inside her head. It is those thoughts that have to be sorted out for her. So she can begin to make sense of everything that went on. And one day she may turn around to you and say ' I am ready '. She may take it further. But sadly only she can make that choice. It has to come from her. And at this moment in time she is still hurting. Still lost. Afraid. We can only wait. To see what results theraphy has on her. But as a parent you are doing a great job. You have done nothing at all wrong. You have been there for her. You will always be there for her. That is the love that only a good parent can hold for a daughter. Really just stay strong. Just be there when she needs you. Expect some rough times. Except her choices when she decides to make them.

[linzac]

She has been having dreams about what happened and I'm afraid she will start cutting again. She has been doing really well about not cutting and talking to someone when she feels the urge to cut, whether it is to me, or a friend. The last time she cut, she ended up with 80 stitches in both arms. I don't know how much you know about cutters, but normally they don't cut to commit 0119, they cut to relieve the pain and stress they feel in their lives. I think she really scared herself the last time with having to get the stitches and she told one person that she wouldn't cut again. But after talking to her the morning after she had the most recent dream, I'm not so sure now.

[Cuchculan]

I know all about cutting. For me it was once a form of distraction. The only thing was I used to have to hide my arms for months at a time. It wasn't something I told anybody about at all. Like you say, it was not to do away with myself or even to really hurt myself. Just all about distraction. Feel anxious, a nice long cut. Just to feel the pain. Take the mind off of the anxiety. So I am well aware of why most people do it. As for dreams. That explains so much to me. I am a dream fanatic. It shows it is still fresh on her mind. It is something she still thinks about. Or even fears. We can dream about our fear. Be they on a subconscious level or whatever. But the fact that she is dreaming about it shows it is all still there with her. It does have to be addressed. If she lets the therapist know about her dreams the therapist should be able to draw the exact same conclusions I am. That it is still a fear she is holding onto. Be it a fear that it might happen again or what. That one we don't know. But it should be treated as if it only happened yesterday. Because the scars of the rape are still that fresh. I don't know how much she has told any therapist? I say this because if talked out in the right kind of way I would expect to see a few changes by now. She would have been very emotional the more she talked about it. But at least it would have been dealt with. Thus getting her used to talking about it. Present day dreams make me question just how far she has come along in theraphy and what exactly is being talked about? I say this because she is showing signs that she isn't over even the first hurdle as everything still seems so fresh in her mind. I am basing that on the dream aspect alone. I just think she has a lot more work to do yet. Maybe EMT could be suggested. That is something you can look up. It is used to treat PTSD and it can really hit a nerve with the patient. The whole idea is to get out everything that is on the inside. Can be emotionally draining. But can also work wonders. Just hope we can find some sollution. You are not alone. Just remember that. There is always someone here to help out if we can.

[GlimmerOH]

I was 11 when I was molested by a stranger.  My parents decided to press charges, which required me to give a statement to two male police officers, and four months later, to testify against my 'attacker'.  During that time, I felt like I was having out-of-body experiences.  Like I was watching myself tell the story, but I wasn't inside of 'me'.  Sometimes cutting is to see if you still bleed, and are still really 'here'.

I was recently informed by my son's therapist (he's being treated for PTSD after emotional abuse by a teacher) that most children who go through a trauma tell 90% of the story, but keep about 10% to themselves because of shame or embarrassment.  That 10% is what goes through the head over and over and never lets you rest.

It was true for me.  The part I kept back was that my friend's older brother held me down for part of the time and encouraged some of the behaviors.  I didn't tell anyone that because I didn't want the friend's brother in trouble, and her rejection as a friend in school.  It was only recently that I even recalled these details of how I felt.  Through the whole trial and subsequent therapy, I felt like a liar.  Then I convinced myself that maybe I deserved what happened to me because I wasn't brave enough to tell the whole truth.

You can't fix it, and you can't take it away.  The most helpful thing was finding others who could relate and understand my pain....and were patient with me.  I'm so sorry your daughter has been so hurt.

[white sheep]

I was attacked 20 years ago, I thought I had sorted myself out when I was 17. I had the nightmares & the cutting. I'm 27 now & feel like I'm losing it all again. Been older I'm starting to understand things better & parts I haven't been able to tell anyone are eating me alive. This time I have a husband, drugs & a therapist. My self control is better too, I can still see the scars on my arms from when I was 17 & that normally stops me. I don't know if this will help but I can't tell my mum about it cos I can see in her eyes she thinks it's her fault this is happening to me & I don't want her to feel like that. I also worry if I tell people it will make them feel up set, even telling my therapist is hard. I don't think I could go to court even now. It burns my heart to think they may have done those things to others & I just hope they had the courage to speak up, the courage I didn't have when I was 7.
Whitesheep