Uncertainty in My Relationship is Causing My Anxiety. What to do...?

[metamer6]

Hi, I'm a 26 y/o single male.

This issue may sound petty compared to some of the other more serious topics I've read on this forum, but I assure you it's very real and serious to me.
I've never had a history of anxiety (that I can remember).   And I've had several nice, healthy, long-term, anxiety-free relationships in the past -until now.
I've been dating a great young lady for only 4 months.  I have very strong feelings for her, that I would define as love, though I haven't told her that I love her.  The first couple months were great and problem free as I guess you'd expect.  About 6 weeks ago we had a misunderstanding in which I got frustrated and she thought I "yelled" at her.  I'm very even tempered and don't think I've ever yelled at anyone in my life, but that's what she heard, so that's what matters.  In that same heated discussion, I heard her say "I don't know how this is going to work", to me it seemed obvious she was implying the end of the relationship.  She was upset and we didn't talk until two days later.  Those two days I had horrible anxiety, assuming she was going to break up with me or at least "take a step back".  That's not what I wanted, so it scared me to death.  When we did discuss things, I apologized, she forgave me and acted like it wasn't a big deal -moreover she claimed she never said "I dont' know how this is going to work".  I could have imagined it I guess.
The issue now, is that I haven't been able to escape that initial anxiety for probably 6 weeks now.  It is sometimes better and sometimes worse but almost always lingering around here somewhere (like today).
I think I've accurately identified the root cause to be worrying/a fear of the relationship ending.  Now I interpret every little thing as her "taking a step back" or "losing interest" in me -things like if she doesn't call when she says she's going to, or chooses another activity over spending time with me, or doesn't initiate enough physical contact with me (holding hands, cuddling, kissing), etc.  I believe she is probably not quite as into me as I am into her at this point - and that gives me anxiety too.
I recognize these issues as "little" things and don't seem that serious.  Moreover, she does give me positive indicators that she likes me and likes to be with me (just maybe not as frequently as I'd hope?).
So I read into these things constantly, and it gives me anxiety.  My anxiety in turn affects the way I act and feel and in turn works to sabotage the relationship, or at least my feelings for her.  I usually don't have anxiety when I'm with her or when I know we have plans to see each other again soon, but it's all the in-between times that it starts to build up (like if I don't know we're whether or not we're seeing each other on a given day).  I also try not to let these issues enter the relationship, i.e. I want to see her constantly, but I try not to show it -I'm accomodating to her schedule so I don't come across as needy and obsessive and I don't talk about all these issues with her because I think that would weird most people out at this point. 
I feel like I'm afraid of being alone and I'm afraid of losing her.  I recognize these as imagined worries, but I can't seem to overcome them.  I'm thinking of seeing a therapist to at least help me start thinking rationally again and curb my anxiety.

I don't know how to get past this irrational anxiety so I can just enjoy the relationship again.  I guess I just need help rationalizing this situation and understanding it from another perspective.  Any other thoughts on how to deal with this situation and my anxiety would be much appreciated. 
Thanks.

[basm101]

I think you should try a couple of things - one, talk to your doctor about meds to lower your anxiety. Two, make plans to do things with
this girl by all means, but make plans with other friends too every so often.

It is important not to smother her and come across as being too needy - you should make sure that both of you have time to spend apart
with other friends and activities. That way, it will seem more special on days when you do meet up and you will have more to talk about.

It sounds like she likes you and you should try and accept that.

good luck

[itsmeesindee]

I would say seeing a therapist can't hurt.  Not that I see you having a big problem, but I think most people could benefit from speaking to a unbiased person who it trained to help.

I do have a question though, why do you need to see her constantly?  Is it because you really love being with her or maybe something else?  Anyway just something to think about.

Take care,

Cin

[cupoftea]

hi, your post really struck a chord with me. as you can see from my other posts, i have a few anxiety issues of my own, mostly centred around my health. i've been seeing a really great girl for a few weeks now, and when we're together, everything is fine; all my worries go away, she's really understanding about my issues, and i can feel normal. all good.

however, the problems starts when im away from her. i havent felt this happy in along time, and im terrified that it isnt going to work, and i'll spend the rest of my life alone. so i also interpret everything as some sign that she's losing interest, or wants to take a break. i know in my head that this is unfounded - she's very affectionate and attentive, but i cant escape this feeling that its all going to end in tears (mine mostly).

i want to see her all the time, and i always seem to try and arrange one date too many, if you know what i mean, which i immediately regret when she can/doesnt want to go. im worried that she'll get fed up with me being too clingy or needy. we've discussed it briefly - she told me not to worry, that we're fine, but it's ironinc that my anxiety over losing her is inciting behaviour in me that will actually push her away.

to add to the issue, she has problems of her own, which have surfaced in the past, and which i think are surfacing again.  i want to be there to help her, and i guess the fact that she has opened up about her issues is a sign that she trusts me, but at the same time, ive only been on the scene for a few weeks, and she has other friends who are probably more likely to be her first port of call. this, rather selfishly on my part, makes me feel like she doesnt take our relationship seriously. 

i know the answer is to take a step back myself, and to stop being too dependent on her company, but its hard. any advice would be appreciated.

[sanderella]

I had to post here because these stories sound so familiar to me! I felt exactly this way in just about every relationship I had. I was like Bridget Jones, dialling 1471 hundreds of times a day to check if they'd called, etc. I'm now married, and all of these insecurities have faded and did not render me incapable of a successful relationship, so I just want to reassure you that this is the case.

Personally I think if I was single now, dating would be as fraught with anxiety as it ever was. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be "the good part", but not in my case! I think it's natural to want security in a relationship and to have the instinct to be together, so don't see that as a bad thing, it's a healthy thing. I think it happens either at a time of your life when you're ready to settle down with someone, or when you fall for someone in a big way, or if you're just that serious kind of person (as I am). I always worried that there was something wrong with me and that I couldn't be secure. But I now realise I just wasn't built for close relationships with an uncertain future - I'm all or nothing. When you live together there is no urgency to meet up, even if we don't see each other all day I really don't mind.

Dating is a fact of life and the uncertainty just has to be dealt with, but I don't want you guys to feel that there is something wrong with you. The only advice I can offer is don't let your worries fester, do talk about them (or say how you feel about the relationship) and then accept whatever answer you're given - it might be reassurance that you need to accept and believe, or it might be that the other person isn't in "the same place" as you are, but surely you're better off finding that out. All I can say is there's got to be loads of girls out there that want to be with a guy all the time, that can't wait for the next date, that just can't do "casual".

Also worth noting, sometimes people don't show as much affection and passion but it doesn't mean they are not as into the relationship. My husband is not very demonstrative or romantic but I've learnt to notice the other subtle ways he shows his feelings.