Cutting/Self-Harm

[Perfectly_Imperfect]

Just curious ... when I was a teenager and dealing with anxiety, before I knew all the coping skills and before I got my life on track, I used to cut ... just wondering if there is anyone else out there who went through this. It's very scary to think back - I can see myself sitting on the bathroom floor in a full blown panic attack picking and cutting at my wrist, not enough to puncture anything but enough to bleed. Now, call my crazy, but this used to make me feel better. I was channeling the pain to something real rather than something inside of me.

Now I haven't cut in a very very long times (years!) but when I get to an extreme low or am under a lot of stress, the thought is always in my head. I would never do it again I can tell you that much but every time I look at my wrist and see the scars I'm always reminded of it. I find it embarrassing actually because they are kind of noticeable and I do my best to hide them.

I was working in am eating disorder clinic last summer and I counseled a group of teen girls who surprised me when each and every one of them said they had cut or were still cutting. All these girls not only had an eating disorder but they were all Clinically Depressed and had a form of GAD and OCD.

I looked through some of the older posts and never saw this topic mentioned ..

[HeWhoListens]

When you are in psyche torment we can sublimate in many forms – physical forms can go from picking and scratching to full self harm. I had a friend go through a 30 day hospital eating disorders program and all 40 girls in with her were diagnosed as bipolar....I knew she was not but they all came out with an RX for lithium and a sack full of other drugs

[Perfectly_Imperfect]

The group I counseled had the choice if they wanted meds or not, some girls chose not too and they were the ones who continued to self harm. Eventually they stopped when the summer program was over and I returned to my regular job. I went back and visited recently and one girl was still there, said she had a relapse and had to come back.

My post wasn't about meds HWL - I know your stance on the subject. My question was if there were other people who had used self harm before they were diagnosed, or before they got their anxiety/depression under control.

It's interesting to hear other people's stories ...

[abeja_reina_1989]

I didn't do that but I almost did. I got to a really low point in High School where I didn't care about myself and it was pretty bad. I'm glad I have better coping skills now because life was so hard on me back then!

[GreenThumb]

Hey There  I've posted a few times about cutting/self-harm on this site before, maybe you'll find these posts helpful/informative?

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,31183.msg182502.html#msg182502
http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,36373.msg214085.html#msg214085

[PiggiesGlasses]

I started my relationship with anxiety completely clueless about panic attacks and I didn't know what was happening to me so I used to do anything that would result in an intense pain to stop it. Usually meant cutting with scissors, but they weren't always around.  It wasn't fun, but I used it as an easy fix to stop a panic attack and I think that is why I still think about it all the time. It was the best way (and I still haven't actually found a better way) to stop a panic attack.

[Perfectly_Imperfect]

GreenThumb: thank you for those links, they were helpful. It's hard when you're dealing with someone who has anxiety and self-harms. My 14 yr old niece is starting to self-harm and she sees me for therapy and is completely and totally open with me during sessions but I'm scared for her. She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age, it's uncanny. I don't want her going through the same things I did. I have scars too and some days I'm embarrassed of them yet some days I'm proud of them, I look at them and call myself a survivor.

There's not a lot of info out there on self-harm. Most people think it's just a 0119 attempt when in reality it's def. the opposite.

I still think about it years later, I know I would never do it again, but the thoughts I think will always be with me.

[Zaelaura]

i used to dig into my skin with pearing knives or sharp keys or burning incense sticks. i have several scars on my right arm from it ranging from my knuckles to my shoulder. it was never in an attempt to 0473 or anything. just a way of reducing stress. i'd cut/burn through the layers of skin, typically deep enough to draw blood without profuse bleeding. i haven't done it since i've been on medication, but i still pick scabs, chew my cuticles, scratch bug bites until they bleed, etc, when i'm stressed.

[HeWhoListens]

Many people with anxiety pick until they develop Keloid scars. I have a couple and have to keep my hands off them.

[gagakt]

This is actually something I never really linked to my anxiety, but now that I've read this post it shows me that I was definitely struggling to deal with anxiety at quite a young age. My anxiety only really started in my teens and I had a really awful time at high school. I was harassed and bullied daily and I used to take everything so badly. A few times I'd go home and scratch at my arms with razors and scissors; I'm not sure what made me do it, perhaps hearing about people self harming made me think it was the done thing somehow.
I think it was really just a plea for attention, but at the same time if anyone asked about the marks I'd not tell them how I did it myself.
When I was in my later teens I used to punch my legs whenever I got stressed or upset, as it felt like I was releasing the tension.
Currently I don't do either of these things. I guess I've learned to deal with my emotions a little better since then, and it helps that I don't have to deal with bullies in adulthood.

[aloneinajeep]

Cutting has always scared me, but when i get really low, i still, as my family would calssify it "self mutilate" but i get something pierced or tattooed. Once the instant pain of the piercing occurs, its like the depression or anxiety just disappears w it. Is that how you related ur relief that happens when u cut?

[Perfectly_Imperfect]

I used to cut all the time when I was younger and I did it mainly because I was so confused with the emotions inside I felt cutting released it and I refocused my pain to something real, then I would always freak out when I saw blood and it literally "scared" the anxiety out of me.

I haven't done it in year but I'm working this summer again with a group of teenagers who are known to do this - it's easy for me to relate to them because I've been there but it's nice to hear other stories from people who don't mind talking about it.

[jlgraham]

I used to cut myself a lot when I was a young teenager. I had so much anxiety and depression and my parents thought I was just being "dramatic" so cutting was the only way I knew how to cope. I would also take whole bottles of aspirin just hoping it would put me in the hospital so my parents would have to see I had a problem and help me.

Both times my husband was gone (boot camp/school and then deployment) I had several times where I almost gave into the temptation bc just to feel anything other then intense anxiety would have been a relief. I didn't do it though bc I promised myself I would never go back there.

[acethespace-bear]

Just curious ... when I was a teenager and dealing with anxiety, before I knew all the coping skills and before I got my life on track, I used to cut ... just wondering if there is anyone else out there who went through this. It's very scary to think back - I can see myself sitting on the bathroom floor in a full blown panic attack picking and cutting at my wrist, not enough to puncture anything but enough to bleed. Now, call my crazy, but this used to make me feel better. I was channeling the pain to something real rather than something inside of me.

I'm actually going through the same thing right now! I'm 18,and have no idea how to deal with anxiety...so I cut (just enough to bleed, not enough to put me in danger). Not for attention or anything. To deal with guilt problems (I feel like I'm punishing myself.)
How did you get through it?
(I'm seeing a therapist soon by the way. Don't worry, I'm not in any danger. I plan on telling him about the cutting.)

[slgreer79]

I have had some issues with cutting and self harm in the past as well. I think, for me, it was a way to externalize some of the pressure and pain I was feeling on the inside. I, as one previous poster also said, was bullied as a teen even though I was in the "IN" crowd. I disagree with one other poster that there are no bullies in my adult life....I have plenty of those still at 32. I don't really know that I ever "got over" the need to self-harm. I just found different ways to do it to myself....starvation, binging/purging, etc. I, too am trying to get in to see a therapist, but insurance just doesn't like to cover it. Kuddos to you for looking for some help. Good luch and let me know if you find a magic cure :)

[Perfectly_Imperfect]

acethespace-bear: I can understand where you're coming from because I've been there. It took a few years of therapy and big gross scars on my wrist for me to actually stop. I did it to feel SOMETHING, anything besides what I was feeling. Stick with the therapist and try other techniques, when you feel like you need to punish yourself, take a time out, don't watch a TV show that you love, or give up something tangible instead of cutting. Just keep telling yourself "I'm not going to cut anymore."

My issue eventualyl got better as I gained more knowledge in therapy and started dealing with my anxiety issues upfront.

[Calyx]

I haven't seriously self-harmed, fortunately. That is, nothing that causes bleeding or bruises. For me there's this weird self-punishment element. If I'm especially appalled with my behavior, punching myself or something alleviates it slightly.

[nowhereboy]

ive never done it. To be honest i used to take the mic out of the whole thing years back "emo kids" etc. However i totaly understand why someone would do this now, just to feel somthing real. I feel pretty numb alot of the time and the thought has crossed my mind. This thread reminds me of the johny cash song "hurt" im guessing you have all heard it but if you aint, get it listend to. Amazing song!

[29sillygirl]

Primitive response to emotional pain...seems it is a short term solution to pain...high anxiety or depression.

I was in my 40s and stressed out of my mind in college when the impulse struck...every once in awhile I think of it...but klonopin keeps me from getting the knife out of drawer.

[recon]

i have recently left a therapy group with the invitation to return whenever i need to or want to
in this group was a few other individuals we all had our mental conditions and there was one girl who said
she used to cut i kinda stood back in my mind and wondered why someone would constantly try to kill themselves
like this but she let the group know (cuz many of us were curious) why does one come to the point they feel they need to cut
she let us know that its not to commit 0119 at all  she was infact very much afraid of dying
but she said when she would cut it would make her feel better because as she watched the blood flow away her problems
and issues would go away with it.

that was a real eye opener to me i just thought i would share that
ps glad you havent had to cut  stay positive

[29sillygirl]

Hey...

So glad therapy went well....and you heard one person's account of the 'why' of cutting.

I am so vain that it amazes me that this is something I ever think of.....but at this stage, do understand the pain release aspect...know there are better ways to do this.

Lets all try to be positive ...life is much easier when we see the good things...

BTW: the last time I felt like cutting was after the murder of my son by my ex last year.....a time of extreme sadness and feelings of futility...I got to a therapist right away and knew my son would so so hate for me to do this.