Sort of new here :)

[bmps1402]

Hi everyone, my name is Gerald.  I have been suffering from an anxiety disorder for the past 9 months or so and am proud to say that i have pretty much kicked the darned thing to the curb :) 

A little about myself:  I am 23, half filipino, looking to become an illustrator or something in that line of work and enjoy computer games, especially of the Blizzard Entertainment persuasion lol.

A bit about my anxiety journey.  Well I think it must have all started when i was about 3.  I know that I have been afraid of being abandoned since a young age, I can remember crying myself to sleep at night when I was around 5 or 6 because I didn't want my dad to die.  The only thing that I can remember to trigger that kind of thinking is when I went out on my little trike when i was 3 to visit my dad at his work (we lived on a farm).  When i got to the top of the hill (big effort for a 3 year old) I realised my dad wasn't there.  I turned around to go home and was halfway down the hill when i saw his truck driving towards the exit of the farm.  I thought he had forgotten about me and had left me there.  I can remember every part of it in great detail, and for the record my dad didn't leave, he was checking the farm dams in case I had fallen in.

Fast forward 15 years, and my family was going through a tough time.  My Grandfather had just passed away (he was the shot-caller in the family), there was trouble between my parents with them being on opposite sides of a certain situation which should never have found its way into the home, my relationship with my dad was frayed due to study and who wants what for my life.  It all ended with my mom going berserk one night and I tried to intervene.  Then she turned on me and said the worst thing anything could have said to me.  In time though it settled down and I forgot about it.

The next year, I was at a conference and the guest speaker was telling a story about a certain topic that sounded familiar to what my mom did.  This triggered my first panic attack.  I'm not sure how bad it can get for some people but my skin went cold, I got tunnel vision and it felt like something was trying to grab my head.  I snapped out of it, walked out of the conference to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, telling myself to get a grip.  After a few minutes I was able to go back in, albeit a bit shaken up and slightly paranoid that the same thing would happen again.  Also, being raised in a Christian family, you might be able to guess what my first thoughts were on what the panic attack could have been.....if I only knew about panic attacks back then haha.

After this I suppose I suffered mild anxiety, mostly when I was in the audience of a public speaker and I was afraid the same thing would happen again; that the speaker would say something to trigger me and make me angry or give me another panic episode.  It was manageable though so it didnt really bother me.  It started to hit the proverbial fan at August last year.  I was under a lot of stress with college, personal responsibilities, money, no work, constant volunteering, guilt about my leisure activities and in general not being happy at where I was in life.  I made the decision to change though, and came to a conclusion that sounded very good to me.  However, making this decision also meant that I had to do some confronting, and I hated conflict.  As time drew nearer for me to start stepping on toes and asserting myself on where I wanted to go, the anxiety started to rise.  The worst part was the paranoia, and I was poop scared that someone would sense something wrong with me.  So one night I had it pretty bad, then I walked into a meeting then BOOM.  I was outta there so fast it made my head spin and I was hyperventilating and shaking in my car all the way back home where i had a mini breakdown in my driveway.  A few days after that I decided to see a psychologist, but not before some questionable people got to me and started putting thoughts into my head.

At first I was afraid that I was being controlled, then I was afraid that I would be like a Anakin Skywalker character.  You know, start off good but slowly become more and more bad until i blow up a planet, figuratively speaking.  After that I was afraid that I was gay and didn't know it.  I have beaten the "Darth Vader" syndrome but am now dealing with the latter.  It comes and goes, but everything in my history denies that fear.  Anyway, the psychologist I saw specializes in Schema Therapy, which I found incredibly useful as it gives me information on why I think the way I did and how to counter them.

So I am pretty sure I have a success story :).  I would be happy to give some positive input if  I ever see it needed anywhere.  Props to you if you read the whole thing
/brofist :)
Peace

[tigerpaw]

I know you will find lots of support here. Let me remind you you can access the Chat Room, after a minimum amount of posts and talk live to some of us here!  A great resource for you.

Also you can post your favorite picture in the Members Gallery.

Check out an introductory post on, "When you think no one understands ....read this."........Link: http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,9100.0.html

Lots to do here~