To Live or Not to Live

[care412]

Honestly a question that just has always and I know with clinical depression will always be on my mind but I swear in like the last month I've just been asking my self that question a lot more and to the point that I'm even thinking up of ways to die without inconveniencing anyone( side note: I'm only talking right now so please don't think I'm going through with it, just I think I needed to write this all down  somewhere).  The more I think about actually living the more scared and hopeless I feel because I honestly don't think I can not the way a "productive" member of society does.  I feel like sometimes the only ones that are truly keeping me alive are the animals I have and the animals I would like to see eventually but when it comes to people I seem to fail at that every single time, whether a friendship or romantic relationship.  Really the only people I feel i can count on or trust at all is my mom and sisters but obviously living my life through them isn't working and I as i said seem to fail with other people and probably most other things I try, just feeling hopeless and depressed and like i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up again( that would be a natural death for those of you whom may have any concerns so don't worry).  Anyway I think I got down pretty much all that i can and probably most of this will make no sense to anyone or cause alarm on this site but as I stated before I am only writting what I'm thinking and feeling not what I'm doing or going to do so don't worry about that.   Thank you for reading this if u did and for any replies.

[Cuchculan]

There is no harm in a good venting post. Everybody needs to write one every now and again. There are those times in our lives where we can look around and wonder ' what's the fecken point '? They are the bad times. The times when we are at our lowest. During those times it is hard to see past the present. It like you are stuck in that moment in time. ( To quote a U2 song ) To try and look beyond that point is near impossible. Because we see nothing at all. Bit like being placed in the corner of a dark room with four tight walls around us. Every which way we turn we only see another wall. There seems no way out at all. It is easy to remember the past. All the negative things that ever happened in our lives. It is just like we can't see anything good at all. But you pointed out your animals. So I guess you animals that you like? Not sure if they are house pets or farm animals. But did you ever think of looking in your local area for certain types of groups. Maybe even an animal group. There are groups of all sorts. If not animals, is there anything else you like doing. Not saying you like doing animals ( LOL ). Be it taken pictures. Hill walking. Nature walks. Something of interest to you. It is at these groups that we meet like minded people. Who knows. Could be the answer to part of your problems. But keep on writing. That part is doing you good. People will always read your posts. Or else create a blog here on the site. Or even a journal in a copy book in your own home. Just to collect your thoughts. Then you can read back over them and get a better look at your own life. Be very surprised at times what it is like to read our own words back. Can show us a lot of things. But hang in there with us. There are people who do care. And things can't get any worse. They can only improve from here.

[tinam7]

Echo everything Cuch posts here. Believe it or not if you have your mother, sisters, and animals, that's not a bad start. But the key person to have, in my view, is yourself. It is what I have worked on.....for years. It is the conclusion I've come to: if you can like yourself, like your own company, possibilities can become realities. In CBT it is referred to as positive self-talk. It can work.

Best to you.

[GenSec]

Honestly a question that just has always and I know with clinical depression will always be on my mind but I swear in like the last month I've just been asking my self that question a lot more and to the point that I'm even thinking up of ways to die without inconveniencing anyone( side note: I'm only talking right now so please don't think I'm going through with it, just I think I needed to write this all down  somewhere).  The more I think about actually living the more scared and hopeless I feel because I honestly don't think I can not the way a "productive" member of society does.  I feel like sometimes the only ones that are truly keeping me alive are the animals I have and the animals I would like to see eventually but when it comes to people I seem to fail at that every single time, whether a friendship or romantic relationship.  Really the only people I feel i can count on or trust at all is my mom and sisters but obviously living my life through them isn't working and I as i said seem to fail with other people and probably most other things I try, just feeling hopeless and depressed and like i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up again( that would be a natural death for those of you whom may have any concerns so don't worry).  Anyway I think I got down pretty much all that i can and probably most of this will make no sense to anyone or cause alarm on this site but as I stated before I am only writting what I'm thinking and feeling not what I'm doing or going to do so don't worry about that.   Thank you for reading this if u did and for any replies.

Hi care412,

I've only just read this thread. However, i share alot of the feelings you express and i understand them totally. I have just finished a PM to someone here where i said the very same line myself; "I wish i could go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow, it would be so much easier." Unfortunately nature isn't usually that kind, lol.

Like you, i have strong feelings of failure in both friendships and relationships. The relationship aspect is so bad that i stopped trying years ago, and i am now still only 25. I have failed at every job i have tried myself at. Whereas it is animals that help you stay put, for me it is my immediate family, whom i am very close to (that includes my cat, lol). I always have said to myself, to avoid inflicting selfish pain on them, that any decision to expire myself should only be taken when they are no longer here to suffer the consequences of my actions. That way, no one is hurt.

I am quite bad right now. Haven't even left the house in just over a week. Have absolutely no interest in seeing anything, going anywhere, or engaging with anyone. I've hardly uttered a sentence for about 3 or 4 days.  My short term memory is quite poor for some reason. I keep forgetting things like when and what i last ate, forgetting things i read etc. I don't sleep well at night either. Recently has been one of my bad patches as far as depressive emotions and feelings are concerned. I feel like i have finally given up. I don't want to try anymore because i am tired of the disappointment and can't face it anymore. So, i have retreated from virtually anything and everything.

I went to therapy twice in the past 6 months, and that didn't help at all. Sadly the only path left to me seems to be medication, but i refuse to take it. Its now all that my doctors offer me, so there is no point in my returning to them in the near future. I'm not sure what to do next. In fact i am not sure anything can be done anymore.

Unfortunately, i cannot give you any advice like some of the nice folks here already have - all i can reassure you, is that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. And people can understand you. 

Please don't feel that you are alone with such thoughts. They are perhaps more commonly shared than you might expect.

Take care.

[Carryon]

You laudably express a moral obligation to your loved ones over yourself, which should encompass trying medications despite your personal reservations.

[tinam7]

I agree with Carryon. Do give the meds a chance. The way you are feeling you have nothing to lose. If you've been reading here, there are many people who express good results. For some it's been a new lease on life.

As to anything else, it is always no solution to anything except maybe if you are old like me (j/k). We are your friends here, Red, and we'll do what we can to help you and care412...........Tina

[care412]

Thanks for all the replies and reading all I wrote and yeah it's nice to know there are others struggling like me also just wish it didn't have to be like that at all.

[pauly j]

There was a point in my life, recently, that I was severely depressed!  This was brought on by the constant, severe anxiety and panic attacks!  I had no reason to be depressed, other than the fact that the anxiety and panic attacks were brutally taking its toll on me! 

I also wondered if living was something that I wanted to continue with!  I had morbid thoughts of how to end my life, if I chose to suffer no longer with living!  I had some pretty creative, but scary ideas!  Like yourself these were only thoughts!  It all starts with a thought, weather we are planning to follow through or not, it can be something that likely could occur! 

If I was allowed to suffer just a little while longer, honestly, I don't know where I would be today!  I was very fortunate to have been introduced to medication, which allowed me to recover from all of my sufferings!  It allowed me the strength, and energy to further work on my recovery! 

Today, I am a whole new person from when I was anxious and depressed just a few short months ago!  I can, once again, do all the things that I love to do with my family, and myself! 

There is hope for you!  There is hope for all!  You just need to find the solution for yourself!  Be open to any, and all ideas when it comes to finding solutions!  Things will get better soon!

pauly j

[12Bhappy]

Hey  care412

I'm going to tell you a bit of truth on my life. A few years ago I actually felt so depressed that ending my life crossed my mind. because i was partly ready to do it but also partially afraid to, i wanted to take it to chance. I slept with the Air conditioner at max cool and downed some pills. I thought that if i die in my sleep then i die but if if don't then i don't ( i know it wasn't a great plan but i was in such despair that it sounded good at the time). At the middle of the night i woke up shivering and my body for some reason just rushed to save itself. i even remember thinking so hard trying to force my body to let the cold happen and let me die. but it just went on and ran to the heater.

i don't know if my story interests you but my point is, from what i experienced, surviving is part of human nature. If you kill yourself then you pretty much told your body it isn't human. Don't ever take yourself for anything less than a human my friend 

[ntt14]

It helps to read many of my own thoughts and realise that I'm not the only one.

[care412]

updated version: finding my self not only wanting to die but coming up with exact plans on how to do it. I know most likely i would chicken out on it but I just more and more don't see any other solution for me, I really feel like I don't belong anywhere.

[tinam7]

My dear Care, there is no full proof way out. You'll end up only worse. So since there is no way out (some of us wouldn't mind it either), we are staying.

Guess what? Some of us belong right here. You belong too. Tell us whatever you care to about your pain, your sorrow, your sense of isolation. We are here to listen and respond.

[s3ptember]

I can understand how you feel in regards to the waking up and during the day just thinking "why am I here still" but not having a plan to take action. I feel that way often and those times are when I take my cell phone out and I read the note I wrote on there when I was in a good mood - that note has every single reason TO LIVE in it so I can re-read it at those times. That, with walking, music, and just trying to have something to look forward to does help a lot.

[tinam7]

Some of us do understand how you feel. We feel the same. But we know we'd never hurt our family in that way, so it is no option. We find our way to help ourself.

One way for me is to go for a walk and connect with nature. The sky, clouds, air, trees, esp the birds, flowers, they all feed my spirit. We have Iris flowers blooming now. They are so colorful and beautiful. What would you like to share? Maybe we can get ideas from you too. We can pool our ways of finding reason and pleasure to go on.

[care412]

I don't know it's just the more I try, the more I think about it the less i see my self being anything but miserable.

[abeja_reina_1989]

There have been many times in my life where I feel that I'm not contributing enough and that I will never become anything. Sometimes I fear everything, living, dying etc. It's an endless cycle and I know how annoying it is. Please try to find the positive and don't give up because we all feel like this from time to time.. sometimes for long periods of time. It will get better.. it always does. We are always here for you if you need us.

[care412]

Thanks to everyone that replied but I don't know I just more and more feel like being miserable is just who i am and what i'm gonna be. I just don't know how it could possibly change if it's never once before, I don't even remember being a "happy" kid. But as I said i really appreciate the support.

[tinam7]

You were an unhappy child. So was I. So are others. I doubt that many people who come here had great childhoods. But we can help each other. There is also professional help and there are medications.

The best way out can be to become your own shrink. That's what I've done for the better part of my life. Guess what? It wasn't bad. Fun at times. Read and read and read along with thinking, writing, and in the last 3 years, self-help websites. I'm the Self-Help Queen of the West (joking). The key is to explore yourself and think about which path to take. Share your thoughts if you can and would like to.

[abeja_reina_1989]

Thanks to everyone that replied but I don't know I just more and more feel like being miserable is just who i am and what i'm gonna be. I just don't know how it could possibly change if it's never once before, I don't even remember being a "happy" kid. But as I said i really appreciate the support.

You know, I have been where you are and I still have times like this. I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy or I will never be "normal" but I've learned that having this anxiety helps me because it makes me stronger and more open to others' emotions. I have begun to flip this "negative" situation and use it to my benefit. I hope you can do the same :)

[tinam7]

What I did not mention is exercise which has been a big component of building myself up. It stimulates the feel good chemicals in our brain. Any interest?

[animal lover]

hi care142 im so sorry you are feeling such torment, we all here know the pain you are going through im still on my own recovery, i have depression anxiety, i have come to realise that i need medication as i have had 3 relapses without it. I have been reading lots of self help books ,this afternoon i had the constant thoughts and gloom lift for a while, YOU can feel better!!! there is no weakness in meds if you cant get better yourself , stay safe and be kind to yourself .animal lover

[care412]

Just want to go to sleep and not wake up again thats all....simple, quick... no 0119 just dying in my sleep thats the only way I'll ever be "happy" or at peace as some may say...just to go and be done with this misery called a life and nobody to blame about it.

[tinam7]

If you know how to get out easy please tell me because I have yet to figure it out. The only easy way out is to get yourself on death row. Then you get a relaxing injection first and another that does the job. No-one will do it for me should I get debilitating strokes (like my sibling) and turn permanent patient and invalid. I'll have to help myself. But until then I'm determined to love every moment.

How can you love yours? I see that you are an animal lover. My love for birds alone keeps me smiling. I have a nest in my yard where there will soon be baby robins. Do you want to tell us about animals in your life?