Total despair

[Hazel]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forums. For quite a while now I come onto the forums and read threads but I don't post, so hello everyone I'm Hazel.  It is a huge help for me to know that others feel the same way that I feel, the world isn't such a lonely place.  For about a year now I have started recognizing my symptoms as HA although they have always been there.  I have several different anxiety disorders and depression and have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  Within the last two years the bpd symptoms seem non existent, I worked very hard on my own to deal with it, my GAD symptoms are not as severe as they used to be and my obsessive thoughts (in a few areas) are allot easier to deal with.  Depression can get bad at times but I can also work my way through that without trying to hurt myself.  Every time I manage to learn how to deal with one area of anxiety another pops up, its is a constant, never ending fight but it is always one I have been willing to fight because there is a point to it.  HA is another story.

 I am not going to go into my life story but basically I was born, very traumatic childhood full of abuse, anxiety and panic attacks as a small child, depression diagnosed at 14 and a whole history of mental illness.....all of this I have recovered from (pretty much).  I am going to be 25 this year and I don't know if I can beat this...........I would give anything just to have depression or be anxious about talking to a stranger, I would happily live my childhood again over and over if only my HA would be taken away.  I went through hell as a child, think of the worst things that could happen to a little girl..........but I would go through it all again because nothing is as frightening as living day in and day out with this fear of dropping dead at any moment.  I am so scared of death, every sensation in my body I am very aware of, I don't think about anything else but my time of death, I wake up in the morning and the first thought is will I die today?  I go to sleep imagining my husband finding my dead body laying next to him when he wakes up in the morning.  The most horrible thoughts race through my mind, they never stop, I wake up screaming and crying.  I cannot be happy, happy moments are quickly taken over with thoughts of death.  I need to pretend I am ok I need to keep this secret because the guilt is awful.  I have an amazing husband, friends, I am a strong woman on the outside.....I am supposed to be happy but instead I feel like I am being tortured by my own mind. 

My biggest fear is with my heart, I can't even listen to my own heartbeat,  the second fear is a blood clot, and after that I have a phobia of throwing up.  I can't go to a hospital or drive past a hospital without having a panic attack so I try and avoid that at all costs.  I wont watch any movies period in case anything is mentioned about death, heart attack, dying etc.  Exercising is something I try and avoid as I am scared my heart will just quit, my exercise is cleaning, carpet cleaners are heavy.  I only watch Spongebob and Star Trek, they are safe and I wont have a panic attack.  If I ever drive past a cemetery or funeral home I have to look away and close my eyes.  Body checking is a routine for me.  I try and eat as little as possible and stay as thin as possible as again the heart attack fear, I only eat when my blood sugar gets low, plus when my blood sugar is low I know thats why I have palpitations so I don't care about them.  I would love a baby but terrified of dying in childbirth and then if we both live passing on my anxiety to the child. There are so many other things.  I don't have a life that is worth living if I my life stays this way.  I was 17 when my HA really started and since then it hasn't stopped, yes it gets better but always comes back once I have dealt with other issues. 

Two years ago when my bpd got better the HA hit more than it ever had before, I can't make it stop.  I have tried and tried and tried.  I know the reasons for it, I know why, I know the psychology.  I am on 200mg of Zoloft yes it helps but it isn't a solution because the side effects are not good with a person who has HA.  I have read all the books, talked to the Doctors, tried different medications and worked on self therapy.  I have tried everything.  I cannot be like this for the rest of my life, I simply cannot lie and pretend and try and be happy.  I have the grim reaper as my shadow, I am scared for my life.  I am not suicidal, death is one of my worst fears but I would also welcome it for the fear to stop, HA is like that.  I have never known fear like this and the silly thing is there is no apparent danger, maybe thats the point?  Will this ever go away, I don't know how to beat this?  I want to crawl into a dark hole and not come out but at the same time I just want to be alive.  Sorry for my long post I just had to get it all down as I have no one else to tell.  Thank you for reading this.

[drjekyll]

Welcome Hazel. Don't worry about the long post, I often do it myself just to get things off my chest.

I am sure there is help for you somewhere. Others have been in seemingly hopeless situations before and gotten out of it, you just have to keep trying. Zoloft helped you, so medication is still a possibility. I don't know if you have tried spiritual support, but I know of many people who have been in terrible places in their lives who have gotten through it and found peace through a relationship with God. The point is, there is always hope. 

Funny about Spongebob and Star Trek - those two shows are kind of a mental refuge for me too.

[Hazel]

Thank you for your reply.  I am a very spiritual person but it just doesn't seem to help.  I don't know what I can do to help myself any longer and it does depress me to think that I am going to be this afraid for the rest of my life.   I know that if I went in to therapy that it would help but I don't have the insurance so I try my best to do it myself.  The fear is just crippling but I think the worse thing is that no one really knows as it is just one of those things that you don't talk about.   

[DAISHI]

You have to learn to be okay with dying. That's the only way to be fine with living. From the moment you're born you begin to die. Until you can be fine with your fate, you will have no rest about it.

[crazygirl1]

hi hazel...((((hugs)))) to the little girl you once were and the big girl you are today. It's gonna be ok :)

[hamsterswheel]

Hi Hazel

I wish I could hug you right now and tell you everything is going to be ok. You have come to the right place and I remember very well the first time I did, about 6 months ago, I couldn't believe so many people worried about their health the way I do.

I actually feel I could have written your post, even down to specific word you used. I too describe it as fearing for my life. Mine has always been latent fear. But in the last 6 months it consumes most of my waking thought and I have nightmares every night. I think you hit the nail on the head too when you said, it is more the not knowing if there is something wrong, or not or even if there isn't right now, it could be in the future. The cycle is never ending.

I know you have said you have done a lot of self help, but I wonder if you have ever read a book called, 'Its not all in your head, how worrying about your health could be making you sick'. This is a great book. I find that when I get myself into a state, even just reading the opening pages calms me.

I wish I could say I am better, I am not, I just deal with it better on a daily basis. Like you I too am aware of every 'nigle' in my body, any slight ache. They are all signs that there is something life threatening wrong with me. Like you I too fear dying, but for me it is not the death itself, it is leaving my child behind without her mother. The bond we share and the closeness is so bittersweet as when I feel mt heart fill with love for her, my next immediate thought is 'I'm going to break her heart, when I am told soon that I am dying and not going to be here for my baby'.

You are not alone and will never tire of supporting you. The one thing you MUST not do is google.x

[Hazel]

Thank you again everyone and hugs to all of you too!  To DAISHI I know exactly what you mean.  I am not afraid of actually dying what I am afraid of is the not knowing what, that I can't control the when and how.  For as long as I can remember I have had an obsession with death and it was never a fearful thing for me, I welcomed it and I would look forward to it but then it all changed when I became an adult.  Does anyone else understand this and feel this way?  hamsterswheel thank you for your post. :)  I have read that book and it did help, I use many techniques to get me through the day but sometimes it is not enough.  There is a book that I am going to order soon that I found on amazon its called Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD.  The reviews are good and I think it will be a good book.

Oh and also I don't google anymore, I put a stop to it and I also try not to do too much reassurance seeking because it continues the cycle, also I don't watch Dr Oz anymore, I would watch it and by the end I would be having a panic attack!   

[clohessy9]

I know how you feel unfortunally  It is hell.  I hope for all of us we can get through and get better!

[Jenniferio]

Hi Hazel,
 
Would this give you any reassurance about your heart?  Its a pretty tough thing.  My husband had a bad heart attack 15 years ago and has a damaged heart but he changed his diet quite a bit (Ornish diet - related to Pritikin diet) and is is doing wonderfully well.  Even a bad heart attack isn't the most terrible thing that could happen!

You might want to get one of those neat wrist heart monitors or b/p readers and go for a nice slow walk.  Its good for your heart and if you go on a heart healthy diet as I suggested it will be even better for your heart.  The more you gently exercise the happier your heart gets.

My husband runs every day - several miles and he is doing great as I said.  He, also, does yoga, meditates, took up Buddhism and takes a lot of vitamins and his heart meds, of course - thank God its working for him!!

Hope this makes you feel a bit better.  Even a heart attack isnt' the end of the world, anymore, thanks to modern medicine.