Scrupulosity or just OCD?

[GreyGoose]

Hi everyone

I have a religious question that I'd like to get some opinions on if I could and it involves what I believe is either scrupulosity or OCD (but I suspect scrupulosity). Here's my story.

A few days ago, everything was going just great. By all accounts, it was a "perfect" day. I got a huge amount of work done and was even able to do some things that I had been putting off for months and I had this great sense of accomplishment. My female friend also happened to be visiting and we had planned on having a nice, relaxing evening with a couple of pizzas after I finished my work. Anyway, I always back up my work on Cd's so I have a hard copy handy in case I ever lose anything and I was just about ready to make a back-up of everything I had done that day when I decided to go grab a beer.

So anyway, I'm sitting there at my desk drinking my beer and getting ready to create a backup of all my hard work for the day when all of a sudden my female friend pulls a chair over next to mine and she starts getting a little "friendly" and suddenly I have this huge "I just committed a horrible sin" guilt thing come over me and I got really depressed and upset and knew right then that God was going to punish me. I gently squirmed away from her and I guess she got the message because she gave me this puzzled/disappointed look and ceased what she had been doing. I really felt bad on so many different levels at this point.

Right then, I felt that I had let both her and God down and on top of that, I just knew that I was going to be punished by God as well. Guilty conscience. No nice, relaxing evening. Hurt girlfriend's feelings. No pizza. No backup or sense of accomplishment. Etc. Everything from that point on was going to go horribly wrong. I just knew it. So much for the "wonderful and relaxing" evening I had envisioned.

And yes, it did turn out to be a horrible evening. Shortly after this whole seemingly innocent incident occurred, I attempted to create a backup of all my work for the day and time and time again, I kept getting an annoying error message. I spent hours trying to resolve the problem (deleting programs, uninstalling and then reinstalling them, debugging, etc) but to no avail. Nothing worked and I ended up having to regenerate the entire operating system which took several days of constant work. My CD drive also went nuts and had to be replaced. I also bumped my leg on the desk and now have a huge, painful bruise and my female friend is rather upset and wondering why I acted so "strangely". I was raised a very strict Baptist so I suppose that accounts for what I acted in the manner I did. Also, one of my goats got lose in the house (I was bathing it - I live on a farm) and made a huge mess and my geese kept me awake half the night honking their heads off and I didn't get much sleep. The house was a mess the next morning, my computer was a mess and the whole evening was a complete disaster and only AFTER my visting female friend did what she did (no, I'm not blaming her at all - like I said, I am just very inhibited by my religious upbringing) and I feel like I sinned by allowing it to continue for something like 10 seconds before I squirmed away. Coincidence?. I tend to think not but I'd like your opinions on this and hope no one will be offended or think I'm nutty for bringing such an issue up.

Incidentally, here is an article on scrupulosity for the uninitiated...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrupulosity

- Regards, GreyGoose

[pinky5]

Hello Grey Goose,
 
I read the article on scrupulosity, and I'm not sure it sounds like either. It just sounds like you had a sexual moment that you feel badly about. It would be great if this were really a world that was so liberal that we could do what we want and not feel guilt. I was brought up in a non religious household, but my mother was British, strict and had a very set idea about how one should act. I consider myself straight but have had a couple same sex experiences and have  had many guilty feelings about it. The funny thing is that I don't think there is anything wrong with that behavior and if a friend told me a similar story I would think nothing of it. For myself though I always have feelings like "Oh my god, what if my mother found out!!?" "My family won't love me if they found out what I did" etc.

I  think it's probably worth having a conversation with your friend about what happened. It seems quite unusual for friends to just cross that line out of the blue, so there must be more to the story. About all the things that went wrong later that day, it just sounds like you did a really good job of punishing yourself for your "bad" behavior. :0)
Rachel

[GreyGoose]

Hi Pinky5

Thank you for the reply. While my religious background expressly forbids me from having relations with the same sex (or sex out of wedlock) I would definitely have to say that what happened the other day (in my words) was probably a "self-fulfilling prophecy" on my part and I agree with you.

Basically, I expected to be punished...therefore I was. Incidentally, I have had many gay friends throughout my life (as well as many straight ones) so I can understand just about all points of view. I tend to be friendly and make friends very easily. I have a need to please other people. Still, sometimes, I feel like a frigid prude/Luddite and sometime I don't like who (or what) I am but I guess in life you have to play the hand your dealt with which I guess is kind of ok because it just strengthens you as a person.

- Regards, Grey Goose

[NorthernRC]

 

[apple]

Well GG  first time seeing this post.  Sorry.

First of all I believe it as well that you brought on this punishment on yourself and maybe some coincidence as well.  It must be awful to feel normal human sexual emotion for a few seconds then nose dive into regret and guilt.

I don't actually have a set religion as I find many Church's beliefs in what the bible says is somewhat construed.

We ARE sinners.  We ARE human.  Yet Jesus died for our sins.  All we need is to ask for forgiveness with honesty and we will receive forgiveness.

God is not a vengeful God.  He does not punish us for our sins by creating chaos in our lives.  And you did not sin...you were more likely unprepared for this advance from your friend and therefore didn't react as quickly as you wanted to.

God cannot cure a person from cancer or save a child from abuse, he must use people to do his work for him.  So he also cannot make things happen to you.  He can be there to help you and guide you, to use you to help others and love you unconditionally.

Maybe your religion sees it different but I just don't see how such a loving God would hurt his children.  People hurt people, things don't always happen the way we want,  but what does happen in our lives teaches us lessons and builds character and molds us into the people we are meant to become.  Even awful things that happen to us molds us to become what God intends.  All of us suffering here bring enormous wonders to people we touch. 

You created this wonderful forum for people who suffer as you do, to find peace and support and consolance when there seems no other place to find it.  Because of your hardship God used you to create a haven for all of us.

Maybe God didn't want you to feel guilt and remorse...maybe he wanted you to realize that you did not sin.  You never said if you got aroused by her advances, just that you felt guilty for not stopping things sooner.

Its late and I don't know if  made any sense...I hope I didn't step on your religion cause that was not my intention.  I only wanted you to see that God would not punish you like that.

[GreyGoose]

Hi Apple

I must apologize. I have not spent a whole lot of time posting on this site lately (I have not felt well enough to) but I do read EVERY post and there is still much to be done. Many of the posts I read, I am just dying to respond to because I can relate to them so well but because I have been going through some particularly tough times lately due to my anxiety, OCD, IBS and other issues, I just don't have the energy to.

I think you are so right when you say that because of my own personal hardships, God is using me to create a haven for all of us here. I have thought or wondered about this myself many times and it does make sense. I actually hate it that above my Avatar it says "Administrator" because I don't want to be seen as a "forum cop" or someone who is just here to ban people and tell them what they can or cannot post. We are all EQUALS here and I'm in this mess just like all the rest of you. I suffer and go through this on an almost daily basis and can fully sympathize with and relate to the suffering that ALL of you are going through.

Your beliefs about God and punishment are shared by many others and I'm sure you are right. Unfortunately, my OCD makes me obsess over God and see him as this big "guy in the sky" who is looking down on me just waiting for me to screw up so he can have an excuse to punish me. I HATE looking at God this way because he is supposed to be a loving, forgiving God and deep down in my heart, I  know that he really is.

Well, I can't think of much more to say at the moment. I'd really like to schedule a chat for today and get everyone together if I can find the strength to do it. Also, I still need to update many of the categories (ie; conditions, therapies, etc) as well as add new health articles. I'd also like to respond to many of the posts here, etc. Thanks again Apple. I think you hit the nail on the head in so many ways with your post

- Regards, GreyGoose

[apple]

I have truely grown fond of you over the last while,  reading your posts have shown me how much you also suffer and takes down that admin. sign on your title and shows me you are just like the rest of us here.

Maybe we can drill it in your head about this particular post that what you deep down know to be true.  I could try to overpower those OCD thoughts of yours...maybe not but I do pray for you.  Keep strong hun.  you have no idea the strength you posess.

I'll keep a look out for the chat schedule...my only fear is that with the kids and other things going on I will miss out.

[pinky5]

GreyGoose,

I wouldn't worry about being seen as a "forum cop" here. I think your title of administrator is balanced out by your friendly goose picture and the "help through caring" message. Someone has to be in charge of the site and I for one am very gratefull to you for taking the time to do it.

sincerely,

Rachel

p.s. When I first responded to this post I assumed for some reason that you were a woman. I have been reading more of your posts and realize I was wrong in that regard so if my feedback on this topic seemed off, thats why.

[toblerone]

Dear Grey Goose:

I think children used to be taught to be afraid of affection once they hit puberty.  This has had devasting consequences for some as they grew into young adulthood and tried to form relations with the opposite sex.

Well meaning adults with erroneous consciences often held positions of authority, clergy, teachers parents, and enforced their teachings on innocent children.  You may feel very scared and powerless because you did not have the chance to see how you feel or think about sin from your own inner conscience.  You fear you may make a terrible mistake.  A mistake is not a sin.
I think you need time and a good deal of positive reinforcement to know that you are a moral, very good and intelligent human being who is capable of discerning what is a sin or not a sin for you.  Not because someone told you something is a sin.  No one can really tell you if you have commited a grievous sin.  That is between you and God.  But because you yourself know what is and is not a sin for you.

God looked upon billions of faces and he saw your face and decided to create you and passed by billlions of others.  He will never make another person like you again.  He will never love anyone again the way He loves you.  He loves you so much He gave His only Son up on the Cross for you.  As far as God is concerned, you are his most precious work of art.

He also is always present in your soul.  You are one with Him.  Try to take time to go off and ask Him to visit you in your soul.  Sit quietly and offer yourself to him.  Wait for Him and Pray that he will help you decide what truly is a sin and what isn't.  In His own time He will let you know.

If you think of acting responsibly with regards to your sexuality instead of sinfully this might help you.  Your friend snuggled up and it felt good.  It's supposed to feel good.  If it didn't feel good that would end the human race.  You have to decide with her how far you can go and be responsible.  If you go too far you might have a baby.  Are your ready to have a baby?  Do you feel that a baby should have a married mother and a father.  Be responsible.  Remember too most woman do it for love.

God does not punish people for sin by sending inconveniences in their lives. That is just life.  Everytime I went to night school after working all day it either snowed on me or rained on me.  I don't believe for one instance God was doing this to me because of some real or imaginary offence I committed against him.  This kind of thinking came from people with erroneous consciences or who were badly abused or neglected and made God out to be like their authority figure.  Often these are the very people in life who make our lives a misery not God.  They feel they have all the answers, their way is the true and only way and they get in positions of authority and then we do need help from God to be protected from these fundamentalists.  If they want to live this way fine and good but they should learn to mind their own business.

I think you should look at sex as healthy, necessary and a great and beautiful gift from God.  How can something so beautiful and that feels so good be evil.  I think the sin may come in from a responsibility point of view.  Your girlfriend cuddling next to you is not sinful nor is it irresponsible.

So please take some time to yourself trust your own instincts.  You know what is logical and what is not TRUST YOURSELF.  Decide what is morally right for you, not because some religious fanatic said so but because your Father in heaven is nudging you to be positive.  And then when you feel confident discuss your views with your girlfriend.  Maybe she can help you through this too.

If you can't get passed this do see a therapist.  There are some good ones out there.


God Bless