scrupulosity?

[Anxiety_freak]

New to the boards here and looking for answers please:=)

I was raised in a VERY strict Baptist home and what's more, I have OCD (and I think, scruptulosity as well). Let me explain...

As a young adult, I did all the things any "wild child" might do. Life was all about "having fun". I never thought about morals, ethics, sin, chastity, heaven, hell, right, wrong, etc. I got drunk, ate out a lot, partied with friends, traveled, went to the beach, had lots of sex (although I was'nt promiscuous or unsafe), had all kinds of exciting jobs and hobbies and generally had a fun and exciting life.

However, somewhere during the last 2-3 years (and it has gotten worse) I have become very repressed and inhibited over the years so that almost anything I do, I am afraid God will punish me. It might be an "unclean" thought involving sex, saying a curse word or just not giving reverence whenever I see the word "God" or "Jesus" somewhere.

Over time and because of my fears, I have more and more limited my activities so that I am now in sort of a religeous "straightjacket" and am no longer permitted to "have fun" lest I commit a sin. I feel like a whipped, abused animal. When I first started getting these feelings, I thought nothing of them but then someone told me that punishment or "bad things" happening in your life was one way God had of "getting your attention" and that if you sinned too much, God may even kill you. This scared the crap out of me and has made me afraid to do almost anything and so my life is devoid of many forms of pleasure. My uncle (who raised me) who was an abuser (and is in denial) told me the part about God punishing or even killing a person although he did'nt use those exact words.

I'll give you a good example. I grabbed a condom about three weeks ago, put it in my pocket and walked out the door with the intent of going to a neighbor's house for sex. I am not married but the sex would have been out of wedlock and therefore a "sin". I got about 500 yards when a dog came out of nowhere and tried to attack me. My first thought was to get out of there fast so I ran like crazy back home - all the while feeling like God had sent the dog to come after me and so I obediently "turned from my sin" and ran home. I was terrified and had panic attacks for weeks afterward - all because I intended to "sin" and swore this was punishment. To this day, I can't even ACCIDENTALLY look at naked flesh for fear of punishment (sounds silly but I'm being very serious).

But it does'nt stop there. I also had a huge argument with my uncle (the first one in 25 years) that lasted for a whole week and all but destroyed the relationship between me and him (we were very close). Then, I injured my foot and had to have surgery (a nightmare in itself) and shortly after that, I developed a painful boil on my arm for no apparent reason at all. Then my dog started losing hair and would'nt eat and it's just been a month of pure hell with no end in sight.

Is this God punishing me or what?. I feel like the mighty Pharo in the Bible whom God set the plagues upon because he would'nt repent only with me, I HAVE repented and changed but the "plagues" just keep coming non-stop. Is this God or am I just having one of the unluckiest months of my life?. Incidentally, when I look back, it seems like God has been punishing me a LOT because everytime something good happens, something BAD happens right behind it or if I have an unpure thought or something and then bump my head 10 minutes later, I attribute this to punishment from God and so over time, I have basically limited myself to sitting on a prayer mat eating bread and water so I won't I sin (not that bad but close!).

Anyone else familar with what I'm going through?. I've had other bad things happen this month as well but this is turning into a book.

[Junebug]

Welcome Anxiety_freak ((((((HUG))))))

Scruptulosity, I believe, is considered a subset of OCD because it shares many of the same characteristics. Your strict religious upbringing may have helped contribute to your obsessive feelings regarding religion (although I'm not saying that it was the cause of it, of course!).

It sounds to me like you endured a pattern of unfortunate events that served to reinforce the belief that you were being "punished" when in fact these events may have just been coincidences (ie; you had a very bad month). For example, it is not at all uncommon for stray dogs to get off of their chains and waunder around the neighborhood and chase people (or other animals) from time to time or for other "bad" things to happen throughout an average day/week/month, etc. On any given day, people get bashed, bumped, cut, scraped, bruised and battered and it's just part of their "day". Some days are worse than others, of course. Sometimes it's all in our perception and to a degree, our interpretation of these "bad" events but I realize that this does'nt make these events seem any less bothersome!:).

Please don't think that I am trying to minimize your feelings. I'm only saying that I think it is your Scrupulosity/OCD at work here rather than punishment. Does that make any sense?.

- Here if you need me:)

[pmhoran]

Hi Anxiety-Freak ... I am new here too  but let me say WELCOME anyways ;)

I admit I am not a liturgical or theological scholar ... but I was, for a time, a Franciscan Friar (like Friar Tuck of Robin Hood fame ;))   Although I am no longer a "good Catholic" ... I try to live each day as the best Christian I can be.

Jesus taught us that God is a God of Love, forgiveness, understanding and tolerance.  He came to not only die for our sins but also to teach us Gods New Law which EVERY Christian should be living by ... but most organized religions choose to ignore a lot of those teachings ;)

God is in actuality more like the God depicted in shows like "Touched by an Angel".   He does not punish people with diseases or "bad things" ... He is Love and He is Truth.   The God of the Old Testement is no more.   He does not "go before armies" or smite cities or countries or flood worlds anymore.   He does not "punish" people for perceived transgressions.   He knows none of us are perfect, that we have made mistakes and will likely make mistakes in the future.   He is not going to zap our butts with a lightning bolt if we make a mis-step.

I suspect I am something like you in that for every 1 good thing that happens there are a dozen other not so good things that happen.   That is just life.   Its how we deal with it that matters.   These bad things that seem to happen to you are not a punishment from God ... its life. And in living our lives we all learn that sometimes bad things happen to good people ... but its NOT a punishment from God.

All any of us can do is try to live our lives the best way we know how.   Sometimes it may not be how our families or neighbors think we should be living our lives ... but how we live our lives is between ourselves and our God.   It is His standard we must try to live by ... not the dictates of other imperfect humans who are no better or worse than ourselves.

When I come to a "crossroads" (of sorts) where I have a choice to make on which path to take or should I do this or not ... I meditate on it and pray for guidance.   Without exception, one of the choices available makes me feel peaceful and calm inside and I know THAT is the path to take or the choice I must make.   Read your New Testement ... thoroughly ... until you understand it.   Then you will know who God really is ... and what it means to be a true Christian.

Sorry if my post offends the sensibilities of any non-Christians on this board ... but this is about the original poster not about you or your belief system ;)

Take care
Peter 

[rara]

I think that these boards are especially good outside of one's therapy in a way that one gets to share one's feelings with someone else who may or may not have a disorder without a professional present. Of course it is important to have professional help when one's disorders get out of hand or for other reasons, but from what i read it feels like therapists interrupt the patient when the patient is "babbling" about his/her anxieties instead of expressing the feelings. If a licensed professional does this, as i agree to, it is possibly correct but sometimes you feel like "babbling" about your fears and communicate your anxieties with others.
I think it is absolutely healthy.     
I don't mean that you're "babbling" about your anxieties, i just mean that i am not a professional and you may not be writing everything, why should you, so together, or i am "babbling". Please take this the right way. :-\

"I feel like a whipped, abused animal."
Do you sometimes think your a better person, not in a sense that you actually feel that way but like an OCD thought, for the way you were brought up, or more pressured for it? Or are we all "animals" or "abused animals"?

"When I first started getting these feelings, I thought nothing of them but then someone told me that punishment or "bad things" happening in your life was one way God had of "getting your attention" and that if you sinned too much, God may even kill you."

That is not how it works, i like to think of it more like whatever one lacks God tries to contribute with but that all the consequences is an act by evil.
Are you afraid of dying?
Afraid of going to hell?
Or afraid of what God thinks of you? ¨
What is expected of you as an adult because of the way you were raised? I am not saying that it was a bad upbringing!
Do you feel guilt for a specific action that might have gotten a serious consequences?
Do you talk to your uncle about him being abusive, you mentioned he was in denial do you feel as if this is inhibiting you to express some of your feelings?
Are you maybe taking on other's guilt, you're uncle's guilt?
Are you angry at someone, perhaps the person who said that?,
Or are you looking for a way to prove him/her/them/yourself, or whoever, wrong?

The way your painting yourself in a corner, for example you say you can not look at naked flesh any more, is a serious sign, according to me, of OCD and that you need help. It seems like it is only getting worse, but in a way that depends on how badly you are restricted to your OCD or how far away you are from clear insight. Something like that.

"Is this God or am I just having one of the unluckiest months of my life?."
I believe you already answered that, are you blaming god for your unhappiness or are you doing so OCD`ly.

I know i am stating obvious facts wether i am "right or wrong" but sometimes it helps to have someone else repeat the obvious for you.

I must say i agree with junebug, in that your accidents and bad luck probably are coincidences.
I do not believe God has anything to punish you for or anyone else for our "everyday sins". No one can be completely sin free in my opinion, or keep up with being completely sin free even after "redemption". I guess many people would say "thats what Jesus died for" but that sounds so negative. I`d rather say that in a perfect world it wouldn't be impossible for us to not sin at all ever, like stepping on a bug in the forest "thou shall not kill", and in a weird way i`d rather say; that evil is the cause of this, ore because earth isn't paradise, heaven. That for this reason we are unable to not sin at all ever and therefore were are "foregiven" by God, however this at the same time doesn't give right to be angry at GOD or sin. As you can tell i am not an atheist.

"it wouldn't be impossible for us to not sin at all ever" notice i could have just written, " it is impossible for us not to sin at all ever", and that would probably be correct English grammar.
(I don't know if in this sentence that's actually a double negative).
However after a long struggle to understand the meaning of literature, i am a science girl my self, i understand the point of writing at least. I owe it all to Toni Morrisons, the author of "beloved" speech during a Nobel conference she had just won in which she told a story about the old wise woman, with many alterations for different cultures, guru, and three kids up to no good coming to here seeking answers. Anyways she made it very clear that it is the language and what we communicate, not what or how we say it (i think everything is important but it is only what we communicate that is good and therefore matters) and from then on i understood why studying someone's thoughts or heart is important. There fore i choose to just in that one sentence decide not to be coherent and write with passion, the way i see it in my head.

I Think it's very good you keep on being a Christian even though you have so many ocd thoughts about it, i don't know if i can say that i know any one else who might have had the strength to keep up. That proves you have very good faith. :)

I feel like these religious OCD fanatical thoughts are a strive to live as uncontradictive as possible, as a way to prove wrong "there are no selfless acts" and so on. I think the healthy way to deal with whatever new phrase is thrown at your way, because they really exist in abundance, is not to get fanatic, treat your self like a punching bag, or obsess about all the other times one did performed one's acts, but to seek tranquil answers, the right answers.
I truly believe that sometimes a good person is just a good person.

[PJmath]

I am a sufferer of religious scrupulosity as well and it has ruined my life obsessing about religion and worrying about supernatural powers being able to do the impossible in the forms of punishment.  I am a male in my 30s tormented by the self-created rituals I have to perform in order to prevent a serious consequence from happening and it does not necessarily have to do with sinning.  It may have started off that way in the early 90s in college but increased to a new level of doing thinking rituals.  I have been doing better in managing fears of sinning but still exist the permanant thinking rituals that ARE a religion just like a devout Catholic might have to do a rosary 40 times, which a non-catholic would question is absurd or a Muslim that must face Mecca five times and pray when any Christian would think it is absurd.  Well, I have recently developed a negative attitude toward religion in general, but not of God.  Religion is man made and oppressive and it is always politically biased and not so much consistent with doing right and wrong or treating people equally.  The devout Christians appear to be very conservative and I don't agree at all what their beliefs are, such as supporting the war in Iraq that had no connections to AL-Queda and no weapons of mass destruction but at the same time being pro-life and opposing a woman's right to choose, when I feel an unjust war in murder.   How can they preach helping the poor but promote tax breaks for the rich?  How can they judge Bill Clinton for his immoral acts but never speak out against the immorality of people, like Rush Limbaugh, O'Rielly, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, whom have all had affairs outside of marriage, and the many others that have done the same things?   How can they be against government intrusion of people's privacy but support the Patriot Act?  This is consistent with every extreme religion that is oprressive in taking advantage of the regular common people at the benefit of the very rich.  When I once tried to watch televangelists about 10 years ago I felt worse about how extreme they were and judgemental, which they tell other people not to do.  I am a Christian, do not do drugs, have sex, or break the law but disagree with religion pretty much entirely.  It is not just our culture but overseas in the middle east the religious right extremist muslims oppress their own people even worse and when I look at this, personally, I think it is just prophecy of the religious false prophets and leaders that are to come that really are doing the  work of evil.  I have always gotten worse when listening to a hell-fire preaching and these hypocrites all have one thing in common - to profit and sell just like someone like Rush Limbaugh, Britney Spears, Madonna, Kid Rock, Benny Hinn, rap artists or other controversial famous people do, regardless of political preference.  If it is true that living that oppressed life of not lusting the opposite sex at all, doing nothing on the sabbath, not swearing, and all the secondary rules of theology made you a better person, I would not be where I am today, but a rich person.  I have noticed when I work or write computer programs on the sabbath and work everyday I am much better.  I don't go to church anymore because it feed my obssession long ago.  My problem is quite different today and even though it is OCD, the factor of religion most definitely made it worse.
   I really cannot find a reason to believe something unless there is some evidence to back it up, but nevertheless, it is hard to break religious habits of performing thinking rituals when you have been doing it for years.  I notice that doing a religious ritual of repenting excessively or worrying is just as bad as repeating or doing thinking rituals that are purely OCD.  They are the same, according to the mind - which is proof that religion extremism is a lie.  I say this by personal life experience.  I wish there were a moderate religion of hope in this world of just treating other people right and not harming others to get into heaven, but I see none, and the ones that are are not that popular.

[toblerone]

God made you and loves you like he will never love anyone again.  You are His treasured work of art.  He love you unconditionally.  He wants us to love each other because He created all of us and we are all unique. 

I think perhaps you are maturing and are beginning to decide for yourself how to act in a responsible and Christian manner.
Your youth is gone and finished.  You have to go off calmly ask God to visit you in your soul - He is there and decide what kind of adult you want to be.  At some point you may want to make a general confession to God of all that you feel you have done.  Ask His forgiveness.  God said he will wipe away all of our sins and make it so they have never existed.  Like we have never comitted them. 

If someone came up to you and said they love you and could they be your best friend and you agreed.  How would you feel if they always put you down, ridiculed you, and maybe hit you now and then.  Would you hang around that person for very long?  Would you feel loved even if once in a while you did something to offend them or disagreed with them.

I don't believe God sends misfortune our way to get even with us.  And I don't believe He is punishing you either.  God loves you and wants you to be at peace and confident in your decisions and beliefs.  I think a lot of what you are going through is maturing and you may be afraid of making a wrong decision.  If you do make a wrong decision or even sin.  Go to God and sincerely say sorry and just try to do better.  God always takes us back. 

I suspect, I am not sure that if you were a heavy drinker and drug user in the past that this is just the effects of your cutting back or stopping altogether like a withdrawal.  It has nothing to do with God.

Also, you should see your family doctor if you haven't already done so to get yourself a good therapist who can diagnose you correctly.

Sometimes Christians think they are sinful because they are having these anxiety disorders.  This is a physical illness.  If you had pneumonia would you go to a doctor and get medication.

Your brain and nervous systems are organs too.  Just like your lungs (pneumonia)  You sound like you need a doctor a specialist, a therapist to help you get well.  This has nothing to do with sin or punishment from God. 

Please get help and be happy the way God wants you to be.  He is not punishing you.  That is a very old heresy.