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Author Topic: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?  (Read 21816 times)

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Offline pauly j

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So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« on: May 03, 2011, 05:13:29 AM »
I am embarrassed to be even putting this out here!  But I have to keep things real!  I trust the advice of the members here, as some of you has trusted my advice!

I am just so angry and frustrated how things are going with my marriage!  To be honest, it was never really good!  I have been married for 17 years!  Most of those years were horrible, filled with fighting, disagreements, mistrust, name calling, no support, no trust, and so on!  The thing is I have 3 beautiful kids, ages 8, 12, and 16!  They are the loves of my life!  Problem is, my wife and I have some pretty bad fights, often right in front of the kids! 

My therapist tries to tell me to work things out!  This marriage should have ended long ago, with numerous arguments, really bad fights, and so forth!  My therapist convinced me to stay in the marriage, saying that things will affect each one of us, including the kids!  The only reason I stay with her is because of the kids!  How many times have you heard that one!  And yes, I know, staying together because of the kids is not a good reason, in fact the kids get caught in the middle! 

Right now the main reason I stay is because it is convenient!  Our lives are set up with the arrangements for kids school and activities, work, and finances!  I don't think we can afford to separate, or divorce, because whoever moves out will not be able to pay for a place to rent, as it is so high where I live!  I love my kids, and don't want them to see the way my wife and I argue all the time!  I don't want it to affect them!  I also don't want them to be children of divorced parents, as my wife and I were!  I know either way they will be affected!

My wife is really a strange person!  She was not so supportive in my worse days with anxiety and depression!  I hold that against her still till this day!  She always accuses me of things that are absolutely false!  I am so sick of it, and sometimes causes me anxiety!  I am trying to remain somewhat recovered, but our arguments causes me so much stress!  She spends too much of her time at work (7 days a week), and at church (cult)!  We do not agree with anything, from her religion, to raising the kids, to goals in life!  I am a fairly ambitious person, and she isn't!  She is really a bad mother in my opinion!  She agrees that I am a better parent than she is!  She comes from a broken family, her dad left when she was young!  I come from a broken family, too, as my mother raised 3 boys all on her own!  My wife sometimes uses this as an excuse, but many people who had a similar upbringing turned out to be good role models and stand up citizens! 

I am just sort of rambling, typing ideas as they come in my head!  There is lots more awful details to add, but I will just leave it at this, I think you get the picture of how this relationship is!  Anyway, question is should we get a divorce?  I should add, my MAIN concern is for my 3 kids!

pauly j
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It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.
 
- Anthony Robbins

Offline Grandma

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2011, 10:05:24 AM »
Hi pauly j -

Wow, I had no idea!  You are always upbeat and cheerful, while carrying this pain inside.  It shows how little we can know about people sometimes.

I have three suggestions. 

First, find a new therapist.  It is not the job of a therapist to convince you of anything.  It is the job of a therapist to help you evaluate choices, define priorities, make your own decision.

Second, here is a tool that sometimes helps in decision-making.  Take two pieces of paper.  Label one "Divorce" and the other "Remain in Marriage".  Draw a line down the middle of each piece of paper, and label one column "pros" and the other "cons".  Then start filling in the columns.  List large concerns and small, serious and trivial.  I know that you already know most of what will end up on the pages, but sometimes seeing factors displayed this way helps to see the whole picture more clearly.

Third, and this will be incorporated into my first two suggestions, determine what you believe is best for your children.  Since this is your main concern, figuring it out will be the major contributor to the final decision.

You are not faced with a choice between something good and something bad.  You are faced with a choice between two options that are each both good and bad in complex ways.  Gathering and prioritizing information is crucial.

Love, Grandma
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2011, 12:01:45 PM »
oh pauly i'm so sorry..i had no idea either. you are not alone though-i am in the same boat as you with my husband. I struggle every day about what to do. We also fight and sometimes in front of our 4 yo dd...i know horrible-honestly thought that just cant be avoided though sometimes. I think finding a new therapist would help a great deal as ti would give you a 2nd opinion. Good luck pauly-it will be ok:)
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Revelation 7:17
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Offline GenSec

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2011, 12:09:46 PM »
The general view that married life is better for children needs to be challenged also.

My parents were together for 19 years. Fights, arguments, etc. My parents finally split when i was 14 and from then on my life was an improvement. Splitting up was the best thing my parents ever did. It ended the negative atmosphere that i had to live under every day.

So, please never start from the assumtion that continuing to struggle on with the marriage always equals the best thing for the children. Occasionally it can be the opposite case. Only you can know this, not me, anyone else here, or even - i daresay - a therapist. They do not live within your marriage and family every day.

I'm not sure your therapist was a very wise or open minded person, recommending you just to stay in the marriage regardless of the facts and your feelings, pauly j....

Kind regards.
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Offline MusicSoothes

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2011, 12:14:21 PM »
Frankly I don't care whether you stay or not Pauly, you're both grown adults.  But for God's sake, if you're going to argue don't do it in front of the kids!  Seriously, there's nothing more damaging to a developing psyche then its two major anchors being totally opposed to each other.  If you love your kids then put them first, every time. 
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Offline pauly j

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2011, 08:59:33 PM »
Thank you Grandma,  I take your advice as if you were  my own grandmother!  I like the method of weighing the pro's and con's!  I guess that is the only logical way to come to a decision!  Sadly, so much emotions are involved, making the decision even more difficult!  This is the hardest decision of my life!  I will talk to my therapist about this, hopefully he can give me some insight to what he thinks about it!

pauly j


Thank you crazygirl,  I am sorry to hear that you are in the same boat!  Hopefully the both of us, and our families, can find peace in whatever decision we make!  I really like my therapist, but I will discuss this matter more frankly in my next session with him!

pauly j


Thank you Red,  I also came from a broken family, where my mother was left alone with 3 little boys to raise on her own!  I know that arguing with my wife in front of the kids is inexcusable!  I agree with everything you say about my therapist!  I will discuss this further at my next appointment with him!
pauly j


Thank you MusicSoothes, I respect your tough reply!  I truly do agree with everything you said!  Sometimes when we argue, all logic is out the door, and our angry emotions take over, and a fight escalates in front of the kids!  I am so ashamed to even admit this!  My kids are my first priority and I intend to make a decision which will be most beneficial to them! 

pauly j

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It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.
 
- Anthony Robbins

Offline GenSec

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2011, 09:22:36 PM »
I respect and, i daresay, admire the fact that you are giving this such serious thought, deliberation, and pursuing all of this with the utmost patience and with so much of your thoughts devoted to your children. So many in your situation fail to do this, with the worst results for everyone concerned.

Whatever happens in the end, your style reassures me that you will remain a considerate and loving father, and thats something your kids will never have to worry about.  :winking0008:

All the best.
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Offline pauly j

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2011, 09:30:31 PM »

Thank you so much Red,

Reading this has made me so emotional that I literally cried!  I did not cry in a LONG time!  My love for my kids goes way beyond anything else in this world!  My life is lived so that I may give my kids a life that I was not afforded!  This whole ordeal has left me confused and saddened beyond words!  Thank you kindly, again!

pauly j
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It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.
 
- Anthony Robbins

Offline crazygirl1

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2011, 10:09:05 AM »
Pauly don't beat yourself up for the fights that happen in front of the kids. It happens with me & my husband as well.I have beat myself up over it too. We are, after all, only human and no matter how hard we may try-sometimes it just happens. What's important though is that we realize this needs to change and are in the progress of deciding HOW to change it. I have been writing a letter to my husband for quite some time. I wish we could do therapy, as I'm sure it helps whatever you decide to do. Hang in there Pauly-your children are lucky to have such a loving father:) (((hugs)))
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline jcrowe61

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2011, 02:18:31 PM »
Something to consider.
I'm in a similar boat and I listed things on paper that my wife did that drove me crazy or caused arguments. Then I checked off the ones that were important enough to me to argue about in front of the kids. The list went from 20 to about 2 and cut down on arguments considerably.  The others I just decided to let go of and just ignore.  You can't control your wife you can only control how you react to things.

Just my 2 cents.

Best of luck!
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2011, 03:15:21 PM »
true you cant control your spouse, but you cant ignore the things that matter to you either. You can stop fights in front of kids but that doesn't make the marriage better or happy now does it?
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline crazygirl1

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2011, 01:52:08 PM »
profound...thank you.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline MusicSoothes

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2011, 03:55:31 AM »
Sorry for being tough Pauly, I guess I just wanted to throw that one out there.  Good luck with it all, do the right thing, in the right way and for the right reasons, and you won't regret it. 
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Offline tinam7

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2011, 11:09:21 AM »
This site is so big I still can barely find my way around. That must have been true in my marriage also. I think I understand the marriage now. Only took 50 years. That may strike others as a disaster considering an outlook today that is so vastly different, it boggles my mind. Above all, it boggles my mind that while there is talk and talk and love and love, and compassion, and empathy, etc. children are the last to enter that lofty domain.

My marriage was hardly perfect. But once there were children we apparently rose to do the best we could for them. In today's world it would never have lasted. Imperfect as it may have been by today's standards, I am so supremely thankful that we were of a different time.

Our son and daughter came first.

Happy Mother's Day; Happy Father's Day (a little early)
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Offline MusicSoothes

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Re: So sick and tired of arguing with my wife! DIVORCE?
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2011, 11:13:56 AM »
Hats off to you this mother's day Tinam, that's an awesome accomplishment. 
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