ROCD, anxiety, depression, HELP?!

[GallRall]

My boyfriend have stopped fighting for about a month or two now, and things have been pretty good. I still get the occasional random thoughts like, "What if I don't like him anymore?" or thinking he's ugly or whatnot, all of which are NOT true! However lately I've just been having these really upsetting thoughts, like wondering when we're going to break up and who is he going to move onto next if we do? I also get really insecure when I see other women in the same room as us, or even on television, because I'm wondering if he thinks that they're prettier or better than me. I hate to say this, but I can't stop thinking that other people are attractive to, and then that leads to me thinking that what if we can be soul mates, etc... Even on television I think that. It's really frustrating and it depresses me. Last night we were having a talk, I was telling him about how I keep wondering when we're going to break up and who he's going to leave me for next, and he was saying all these things like, "Well you're saying this because you're hurt now, but later you won't be and you won't care who I'm going to be with." Yes that is true, but it's definitely not something I want to hear! I wanted to hear something like, "Well no that's not going to happen, because I'm going to be with you." I know that I sound so silly, but I'm so wrapped up and confused about the unknown of our future together. That night I went home crying, and I was so anxious that he would find another girl. Also I have these occasional thoughts that I love him, and then I don't. My fears seem so believable, that my true feelings for him confuse me. For example I would be scared that he is lying to me or I would fear that I am getting sick of him (when I'm not), but then I would start thinking that I indeed do love him, I would get such a warm and fuzzy feeling that even my own body heat is making me sweat a little. It becomes so overwhelming that I start to shove that feeling away, saying, "No, I don't love him, I'm too young to understand what it is." The whole concept of love itself is such a mystery to me, and I desire that so much.

I often have these crazy thoughts about the way life works, for example, if you want something you're never going to get it, but if you don't want something or you're not looking for it it comes to you. It may seem believable, but I get extremely wrapped up in that thought, so for example say if I wanted to find love, I'm not going to find it. If I want my boyfriend, I'm never going to have him. Another example, if I think that he's going to care about me in the future, he's not going to care about me in the future. It's mind-boggling and a teaser to the heart and mind. The most annoying thought that disturbs me the most is that when I kiss him it's blank. In truth yes I do enjoy it, but when I kiss him I feel nothing, and it scares the living 0103 out of me and I have to force myself to ignore it. My fears overcome my actual feelings, and all I'm thinking about is what I'm scared of and not what I should enjoy. I used to always question myself whether I like him still or not, and I'd wake up in the mornings still questioning myself that and wanting to break up with him. It's gotten a lot better now though, now that I found out that I have ROCD. (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

However I also have these terrible thoughts that make me feel really guilty and anxious. Whenever I see someone attractive, immediately I feel very unfaithful and I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. Yes it's normal to think others are attractive, but I feel like my thoughts for those good-looking people get so out of hand, that it turns into, "He's cute, I'm going to leave my boyfriend for him instead." or "He's so much better than my boyfriend." It gets so believable and it scares me and makes me feel like a terrible person. Even right now I still think that other people are better than my boyfriend. But no, my boyfriend is a great person, I admire his honesty and loyalty. Even right now, I am thinking that I am lying to myself, thinking, "No I despise him, there are way better people out there for me, he is nothing, he is boring." I hate what I think, I get scared of my own thoughts that I just wish that I could turn it off. Help, any advice??

[GallRall]

Also I then became so caught up in the fact that we may break up some day, and I literally went on the internet in search of some answers if teenage love was real and possible. I feel so stupid right now for saying it, but I needed something to believe in, I can't live in fear of being with someone and not thinking that we can last, it kills me. Then I went on YouTube and I stumbled upon a guy that was talking about how teens should just have fun and not get into the serious mushy love stuff when in truth, they're not really in love and it's not possible because they're not mature enough. It was so truthful that every word stabbed my heart with fear and that's when the researching for teenage love began. I'm 16 and he's 18. Sorry this is so long by the way.