My ROCD will not go away! Any advice or comments will help please.

[jcola]

Hi everyone,
I am still stuck in this rut of constantly critiquing my girlfriend's looks, which in turn makes me very depressed and feel hopeless.  She knows all about my problems and is very supportive of me, but obviously it has taken a big toll on her as well.  She is such a great, selfless, caring person and I know this for a fact.  Her personality is so great and were are just alike in this area.  I just can't get over my severe obsession with overanalyzing her looks.  I nit-pick every little thing and I hate that I do that.  This has been going on for about a year now and I desperately want it to stop.  I used to always tell her how beautiful and perfect she was.  All of this had led me to have doubts of my love for her, whether or not I want to continue with the relationship, and so on.  I know looks aren't everything in a relationship, but for some reason I have somewhat made it out to be that way.  Then I think, if there was a bombshell of a girl, but with a terrible personality I most likely not pursue a relationship with that person.  When I think these bad things, I end up getting depressed or am afraid to be "fake" around her.  I also have this fear of lying to her in any way, shape, or form.  this leads me to not compliment her unless I am certain that it is true.  I also tend to think of whether I miss her when I'm not with her and other things like would I worry if she had to go into a major surgery?

Please reply with your stories, advice, or comments.  Is what I'm doing traits of ROCD?  Am I being irrational?

Thanks so much for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you.

[Nina000]

With OCD there are numerous reasons why we take things aggressively. Some people see OCD as a way to keep them safe or "normal" in this aspect there are many reasons why you are feeling this way towards your girlfriend. To some extent it is normal to have ruts in your relationships. Some tend to see these as signs to leave a relationship, however, individuals do not understand how important it is to communicate with their significant other. Although you see this as an OCD I see this as a chance to openly be honest with your girlfriend. Relationships are so hard to maintain. Some people think its the Cinderella story where this is NOT how it goes. Not even close. The reason for OCD is because of fear. Not always because of fear but the main reason is because of fear. This is why OCD is associated with Health Anxiety. Do ya get me so far?

In my professional opinion I would take the time out for yourself and explore the fears you may have for this relationship. Question why these appearances are short in your eyes. Communicate with her and be an ACTIVE listiner. Make sure you are being OPEN and HONEST with everything you are feeling. This will help you. Take small steps. Don't think about everything all at once. It is too much. I hope you have an understanding of what I'm trying to get across. PM me if you need to vent!

[GallRall]

Hi jcola, I really feel for you right now as corny as that sounds. I too obsess about my boyfriend's looks, and often it can get to the point where I flat out look at him and think, "He's ugly." Whenever you feel that you're afraid to be fake around her or you start to feel depressed, I think it might relieve you a bit to tell her that you feel funny at the moment, and maybe her understanding qualities will relieve your anxiety. Or you could say something like, "If I'm acting a little different, don't mind me, it's the ROCD." Try to not turn your confessions into compulsions though, that can be pretty dangerous no matter how understanding your girlfriend may be. I too have a problem with lying to my boyfriend, and it sometimes even turns out that I frankly tell him the "truth" about my bad thoughts and he ends up hurt and angry. Again I have to tell the utmost truth to my boyfriend too! When you say that you worry that you might not care if she went into surgery, it is ridiculous. I've passed these thoughts too but if you think of it like this, if you're worrying about all the things that are going on in your mind, why aren't you going to worry when something catastrophic happens to your girlfriend? You're worrying because you care, and you care too much! Everything you described is traits of ROCD, yes you are being irrational! I know this will be tough at first, but whenever you start to think about these thoughts you described that give you anxiety and depression, just distract yourself with ANYTHING. Look around you, maybe the leaves on the trees are blowing which indicate the wind is strong, that dog is adorable, the floors are dirty/clean... ANYTHING!! Good luck, everything is okay and those thoughts aren't real whatsoever.

[jcola]

To the above persons, thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post.  My girlfriend and I are taking a break from each other right now and I really don't know what to think about the whole thing.  She is wanting to take a break to have some time to get back to reality and to think about our relationship.  I do not blame her in the slightest for wanting this.  After my many months of very seldom compliments to her and just being down, not giving all that I can in the relationship, and not talking to her very much recently about my worries, obsessions, and doubts, I am not surprised where it is at the moment.

I know that in order to make our relationship great again and healthy, I need to change.  I'm not exactly sure on how to do this though.  It kind of scares me, because right now I don't know where the relationship is heading and I'm not too nervous at the moment.  I find myself asking how a relationship is better than being single and what do relationships offer as opposed to being single.  I know I would be crushed if I knew that my girlfriend was intimate with another person, but that should not be the reason why I am with her.  I look at other relationships and think why can't we be so happy all the time and loving all the time like them.  I also know that my girlfriend is so giving and would do anything for me.  I truly have a great catch, it just scares me when I think bad things about her looks and then I based how I feel about her on what my perception of how she looks.  My ROCD has progressively gotten worse over the last maybe 4-6 months and I want it gone.  It also scares me to think that if we get back together, I will be ok for a bit then just spiral back into the same routine.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.  I don't want to give up on our relationship then realize that we are meant to be together.

J

[GallRall]

Jcola, if you truly want relief and will give anything to have it, take medication and take it accordingly. Seek a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD asap, because I would much rather take medicine and have my wonderful partner back than to lose him. Good luck.