Well I tried....

[sarahgotsissues]

For the past couple of days I have had the worst pain I have ever felt.

I finally went to the doctor today and was told that I have Fibromyalgia.


Tonight I was planning on going to see these bands for a benefit called "Rock Against Rape". I have been trying to talk myself in to it all night. (I have pretty bad agoraphobia, and the fibro doesn't help much)

So I end up sucking it up and trying to go... We get there and I am really shaky and nervous. The bands were playing on the third floor, so that is where we went.

Automatically I started having panic attacks and I was trying to control them. I would have one and try to shake myself out of it... and then I would have another one. So we went to this little sit down area in the back of the place (which was crowded as well) and I really tried talking myself out of it. It just didn't happen. I started freaking out and was on the verge of tears. So I practically ran down three flights of stairs and straight to my car, so now I am home.

I talked to a friend of mine on the phone the whole way home and I was just screaming and crying. I was so scared.
I started thinking about being around all those people who were perfectly fine and having a good time and how I couldn't be like that. It's so fucking unfair! So now because of how bad my night went I probably wont leave the house for a month or so. I have been dealing with this since I was 16, that is 7 years! I completely missed out on my teenage years. I dropped out of high school... I missed it all.

And now I am missing more and it just keeps getting worse. Like anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, asthma, mitral valve prolapse, didelphys uterus, agoraphobia, osgood slaughter, deviated septum, and massive allergies weren't enough... my body was like "Hey we need something else.. I know... fibromyalgia!!!!!!!!!"

Screw my body and my brain. I am so over it.

I FUCKING GIVE UP!!!!!!!!

Fine then, I will just stay home all the time and hurt all the time and have problems all the time. Happy???? Stupid fucking body!!!

[NightOwl]

<3

I am sorry for what you are going through.  I have felt a lot of it, but without all of those body ailments.  I can udnerstand how frustrated you are.    You are strong to keep making it through it though. 

Somehow it will get better.  I don't know how, but surely you will find a way to get peaceful.  I sure think there has got to be a way you eventually will.

[sarahgotsissues]

Thank you so much! Last night was just terrible. I was ready to give up.

 Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you look at it, I am a fighter.


<3<3<3<3

[NightOwl]

Wish I was.  That is the biggest thing holding me back.  I don't know how to be strong.  I let my emotions take over too easily, especially for a guy.

But I am glad you keep fighting through it.  Somehow I will learn how to also I am sure.

[sarahgotsissues]

Well obviously you are a fighter... you are still alive!
Some people don't realize how big of a challenge that is sometimes.

See, I fight for my life... but I don't fight for my freedom.
I keep myself going, even when I am hanging on by a thread.
The freedom I will never have, I will always be trapped in this mess.
But I guess we wake up each day and do it over and over again.

I'm here with you, if you EVER need someone! <3<3<3<3<3

[NightOwl]

Thanks.  You seem like a very caring person, as well as being strong.

I am very strong in some ways I guess, but I keep getting VERY close to staying in bed without leaving it or even eating.  And I KNOW that my life is not bad enough to where I should do something like that, yet I just flat don't know how to motivate myself.

Have you done cognitive behavioral therapy or any particular things?  I have tried a lot of things, but being motivated and strong I guess aren't things that can exactly be taught.