ptsd, anxiety, depression or rocd?

[kaykaru]

I am depressed (clinically) and anxious about a past event - a line was crossed which never should have and now I feel my whole life has been invalidated because of that and obsessively think and repent and ruminate.. and dont know how to stop and where the end is, to feeling awful like this..
i don;t know if this is depression, anxiety, ptsd, rocd or a combination of all..
but hoping someone can understand, has a similar story and can help

my story started with me losing tons of money in stock market over a period 2 years - i mean every penny.. Note that, I am married to the most loving and caring person I could ever meet. During the last phase of stock losses, I had developed friendship with a woman in the interim - probably my initiative. I knew that this friendship was beginning to take a physical dimension (kiss), and had restrained it to just that -  friendship.
Then one day two months ago, i lost even more in stocks and went into debt situation. but it wasnt just about money anymore.. i've had a series of bad misfortunes and health issues for the last 20 years and had gotten progressively mad about these misfortunes being doled out to me by God.

So that day, I got mad with God, and went over to the other woman, to mask my anxiety and depression over these events with the intention of spending some time there.
one thing led to another, and a line was crossed - clothes were taken off and touching etc happened and a little more but not all the way.. and that was it...

I repent HEAVILY what happened.
I did tell everything to my wife after she asked me. she forgave me and I love her the utmost as I always have..

But, I feel I crossed a  line which never should have and I have tarnished my purity and have been anxious and clinically depressed and have been obsessing over this day and night for the past 2 months and see no end in sight. get flashbacks and memories.

How do I get over this? - In this case, I did this of my own free will and initiative and hence am to blame..
I also know my depression and the circumstances which led to it..
some things from that day, i can dismiss as an action to mask my depression and perhaps curiousity.. but other things.. only I am to blame for.
but what to do when it is weighing on my conscience so heavily and the sadness that the action has been done and is at a point of no-return now..

Its akin to breaking a glass.. which is now irreverisbly broken forever.. hence the deep depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts..
My purity will never come back again..
even if i were to take meds, what good would that do.. the glass is still broken forever..and purity of my relationship with my wife broken.
I am not able to forgive myself or look past this event..

Also, know that I am prone to clinical depression and have experienced it in the past, but once the situation is resolved, the depression goes away..
in this case, the problem is - there is no resolution.. the deed has been done.
Also, I wake up in the morning, trembling sometimes.

has anyone been in a similar situation?
any other thoughts?
any insights would be helpful...thanks for listening..

[jodosh]

Welcome to second chances,
This will take time to overcome, but with your present posture, you will get through this.
You'll experience forgiveness.
But, you'll also be reminded from time to time of what you've done.
Let it serve to fortify who you are becoming
A reminder of where you have been and where you are not going back to

Understand now with your wife, you're responsible for guarding this relationship as you earn trust and connect much deeper than before.

Your anxiety will subside over this; but it could always be replaced by something else. Put into practice those things that will help your anxiety.
CBT; exercise, diet, etc

Then practice letting go all of your failures and rest in the arms of forgiveness and grace, of course this takes practice too ;)
Peace,
Jodosh

[cintertwine]

One of the most difficult things in our experience is to learn to forgive ourselves. I lived with emotional trauma pretty much all my life, I should say, but never hit me as much as it did four years ago. Ultimately I have been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD. It is since than that I began a personal research about this anxiety disorder and continued on studing wanting to reach out others like "me". I believe that regardless the label of the the mental illness, the hardest rubber wall we need to move through is ourselves.
Not too long ago I learned about a very simple, yet powerful Hawaian mantra called "ho oponopono" and it goes like this:
"I love you"
"Please forgive me"
"I am sorry"
"Thank you"
if you manage to give a meaning to each of those forgiving phrases, without obsessing, in the long run it will aid you to make peace with both the triggering memory, as well as forgiving yourself. Try it if you wish, and let me know how it works for you.
Be well and serenity,