Bout of sadness

[Kevinnj25]

Hi all--

Hope everyone is doing good lately.  I am doing my best to keep positive.  I've been struggling with anxiety with the past few years, but today something very different came over me.  It began when I experienced a full blown panic attack on the way to my girlfriends because I missed a turn and I thought I was going nuts.  After I took a Nivram I was sort of back to feeling calm but when I arrived to my girlfriends I felt completely different then I usually do after one.  I am usually very good at putting my anxious thoughts away, especially when I can feel an attack coming on and I have time to take the Nivram.  Today though I basically broke down in front of my girlfriend.  I had told her I felt like I have been the worst boyfriend lately because I have been snippy/nasty because of the stress I am enduring at work and school.  I told her I felt guilty.  I told her she doesn't belong to suffer because I have a hard time managing my stress/anxiety.  When we were laying in bed this evening she began crying again because I paid little attention to her.  I am mentally drained and I didn't think anything of it but it really began to bother me and I almost began to cry because I felt so bad/guilty/lonely/empty I had forced my girlfriend to feel so unpretty.  I'm trying my best to cope.  She is very understanding and I love her dearly.  I am notorious for "putting things aside" and not dealing with things, mainly because I know I will stress my selfout if I try to fix it.  I know I vented a lot but I know I can always count on my Anxietyzone community to make me feel good. 

Kevin

[UpInSmoke]

Not sure what Nivram is.. But sometimes when I take a Xanax is comes me down a little bit from my anxiety, but there is like an underlying feeling of depression still there. I've been asking about "waves" of depression. Like can depression happen like panic attacks do. Because lately I've been having a weird feeling also alongside the anxiety. It's been making me sick to my stomach. It's like a dreading, hopeless, trapped, saddening, overwhelmed feeling. Hard to put in words. Like it hurts to think or something, or I want to shut my mind off. It usually happens to me while in the car or trying to sleep.

It sounds like your girlfriend is pretty understanding, just try your best to do what you can and don't stress on it so much. I know easier said then done, but be honest with her and let her know how your feeling. Just be clear that you really do love her and appreciate her, and your working on making it better. I'm not a relationship guru lol, but that's just my two cents.

[Carryon]

Try not to be so hard on yourself and be you own best friend. You are only human and none of us is hardly perfect; we have bad days, sometimes really bad days. Don't try to hard to understand the "why". Sh...t just happens.

You should feel extremely blessed that you have a patient and tolerant girl friend who loves you wiht you falts and whom you love. You are way ahead because you can express your feelings as have to her and others. Also be sensitive to the fact that she has concerns and is not a therapist and can handle only so much.

It will pass, most things do, by which I mean the lows. Your have a medication that helps. They too work better some days than others. Some days your body is just overloaded from subconscous and external factors. If you can talk about it, not just complain, you are in better shape than you think. Maybe sometimes you need a bit more of the medication too. If occassional, that should be fine.

[Kevinnj25]

Thanks for the input.  I am feeling a lot better today.  I hate those days where anxiety and depression linger around.   

[lazyace]

Glad to hear you are feeling better.  Are you seeing a therapist or anyone else to help you work through your anxiety and depression?  Also, exercise has proven to be really helpful with A & D.

[Kevinnj25]

Hey Ace--

Back when I first began expiring A more then D I saw a therapist and after one session I thought I was fully healed.  Since then I have not seen one.  After I was perscribed the Nivram I took a half of a pill when I felt anxious.  It helped and calmed me down.  Now, since I am experiencing the D more then the A I am trying to learn this complex illness and cope with it accordingly.  Today has been pretty good for me.  My girlfriend understand it me very well.  I am experiencing a lot of emotions throughout the day, most of them happy ones.  If I find something to bother me I inform my girlfriend and and helps me deal with it.  She is really a beautiful person and now I worry that if I keep telling her when I feel down (someone I never used to do because my Anxiety always was present) she may get too overwhelmed! 

[lazyace]

Kevin,

It sounds like your gf is a keeper!  I'm lucky to have a wife that understands my quirks and struggles with A & D as well.  However, I will warn you that you really need to develop a strong coping mechanism outside of your gf, because if you split up or are arguing, being too reliant on someone else is not a good place to be.  I've been down that road and it makes for a lot of insecurity.

I really encourage you to seek out professional treatment for A & D.  You will need to learn skills for the curve balls life will throw at you.  I thought I was in a good position with mine, until we had a kid born with health problems.  Fortunately, he is fine now, but I was in rough shape for a long time.  I felt helpless because I couldn't do or fix anything and EVERYTHING was out of my control.  I was having regular panic attacks and my wife was in no position to provide support to both my son and me.  Plus, I have battled some of my own health problems, and my wife simply doesn't have time to hold my hand and care for a toddler.  Thus, I'm left to fend for myself, which can create an endless spiral of A & D.

If your gf is "the one" it makes a lot of sense to engage her in the treatment process.  She too has a voice and role, and if not now, at some point she will face frustration and resentment about the situation and your lack of independence.  At least that is how things manifested in my case, and my psychologist has said that he sees a myriad of problems in relationships where one partner has significant unresolved A & D issues.

Certainly, I'm not here to preach or pretend I have all the answers...God knows I don't.  But, I've been dealing with profound A & D for 20 years (I'm 42), and wish I could go back in time to tackle things more aggressively than I did.  Time has a funny way of complicating things.

I have participated in hundreds of hours of CBT over the years, and am just now beginning to unwrap the D piece.  For so many people it is inextricably woven into their A and trying to unwind the two is a real treat.  You're right to be concerned about the prospect of her getting overwhelmed at some point.  A & D filters nearly everything we do.  So, it's critical that you at least have an independent outlet for which to share your thoughts and concerns.  I would go so far as to say your gf (who may become your wife someday) will really appreciate you stepping to the plate to get help.  My guess is that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would encourage her to do the same.

Ace

[Kevinnj25]

Thank you thank you thank you.  Tremendous post!