Issues about Control in Relationships

[CCgirl1973]

I have not had the best luck in my relationships to put it mildly.  (read my introduction and you'll understand why)  My ex husband was extremely controlling which resulting in my anxiety, OCD, panic attacks and depression becoming worse.  Its been 5 and a half years since our divorce and every year I become stronger.  He brought me down to such a level that I had absolutely no self esteem and I was afraid to voice my opinions.  I left the relationship broken emotionally just suffering a nervous breakdown with over $10K in debt plus my car loan.  I had no money in the bank.  He was a spender and although he was not working most of the time he spent money all the time. 

Today, I am a single mom and I bought a house this past summer.  I have money in the bank and I have paid off all my debts.  I am proud of myself for what I have been able to accomplish.  I still have many issues with my anxiety. depression, OCD and panic attacks but I am better. 

I have a friend who I have been dating and he makes comments to me like I don't want to work anymore so you can take care of me.  He thinks its funny and I find it very offensive.  He doesn't understand why it bothers me.  Also, we are just dating mind you (I've broke up with him twice), and when I dont have my son every other weekend.  He says its "my weekend" .  He also thinks this is funny.  These comments make me want to slap him.   It also brings my anxiety level up.  Why do I bother?  I dont really know...I guess because I like going out with him most of the time.  We watch movies and go out to eat. 

I am finally to a point in my life that I do not want anyone to ever control me again and its not going to happen...not now or ever.  I almost feel like I can't ever be in a relationship again because Ive gotten myself to the point that I can't lose any control of my life.  I can't commit because that is losing control.   I feel like I have accomplished a lot but I feel like a loser when it comes to relationships. 

[Grandma]

Hi CCgirl -

What you have accomplished on your own, having to recover from an emotionally abusive marriage and rebuild your life while doing it, is extraordinary.  Congratulations!

What is happening with this man you are dating has little to do with you wanting control, and nothing to do with you being a loser.  It has everything to do with respect.

When someone is told that certain remarks upset another person, and asked to refrain from saying those things, and the person continues to say them anyway, it means one thing.  The person in question does not care about the feelings of the person who is asking him to stop.
Your friend is rude.  He is a boor.  His manners are appalling. 

In fact, he is a bully.  To think something is funny when the person to whom you are saying it has asked you not to say it because it is upsetting, is the act of a bully.

So, continue to be proud of yourself, and understand that you are very far from being a loser.  And stop dating, or even spending time with, someone who obviously values his own little "jokes" far more than he values your feelings.

Love, Grandma

[AdrienneK]

Impressive.  On your own and debts paid off is a hugh accomplishment.  I think this guy you are dating is taking advantage of you knowing you have a better head on your shoulders than he does.  You are far from being a loser and think that if you are upset enough (which you should be), and to be having these types of issues with someone you are only "dating"....it's time to call it off.  I don't think they are "jokes."

Don't put yourself in the same position you were in, if you didn't like it then, you won't like it now.

[CCgirl1973]

Thank you for your support!  I am very proud of my accomplishments!  Sometimes I need to step back from myself and look at how far I have come.  Not everyday do I feel good about myself but its better than its been by far. 

I think the main problem with the person I am dating is that he lacks basic social skills...I dont think he is realizing he is upsetting me.  But then again, I have been wrong so many times about people because I really still want to believe that people are good.  I have been wrong so many times...with my Ex husband, with my last relationship that lasted almost 3 years (who I think was a sex addict) and so many others before. 

I am not sure I am meant to be with anyone right now....