Am I alone? - Looking to share my problem

[GASF]

I absolutely hate having to be here (no offence), I have had a hard time admitting that I have an anxiety/depression peoblem, and I was hoping someone could read my story and offer advice/encouragement.

I am a 23 year old male that has everything going for him.  I am finishing grad school and beginning my career, getting married this summer, moving out, and I have all the material things that I desire.  I want to feel happy, in fact, I am happy about all of these things, and excited.  However, I just do not feel that way, I just cant sometimes.  I have several symptoms that all seem to build and snowball on eachother.  First, the worst of them all, are the thoughts that life has no purpose.  I feel that no matter what I do there is no point because I and all of my loved ones are going to die eventually, it is inevitable.  I will be forgotten, what is the point?  Why do we have to work so hard in life, does anything really matter???  ETC ETC.  This leads anxiety.  I had a bad attack two years ago, went on meds, felt better after a year, and went off of them, which may have been the wrong decision!  I like to think I am strong enough to deal with it.  With the anxiety came thoughts of losing control, of going crazy.  I worry that it will get worse and worse, that there is something seriously wrong with me, and that I may just lose it one day and harm myself or others.  I have terrible thoughts of being comitted or doing irrational things.  I am not crazy, I would never do anything like that, I am a caring, loving person, but it feaks me out, why is it happening to me?  I then feel depressed about the whole situation, and it is hard for me to get through life's duties sometimes.  I just want to feel better, be "back to normal".  I'd appreciate any comments you have for me, I would like to know if I am alone on this.

[gloomy]

Your not alone with this.  have you ever thought about OCD?  Some of your intrusive upsetting thoughts and the subsequent snowball effect can be symptoms of OCD.  I am glad the meds worked for you.  Have you given it any more thought about taking them again.  Stress does strange things to us especially when we are already sensitive due to having anxiety issues.  The fact you are getting married in the summer is probably causing you stress without you realising it, even the happiest events can cause stress.  My doctor once said to me that even winning the lottery would cause stress.

I think questioning why were here and what its all about is something everyone has pondered at some point.  Its something I have homed in on when I have been down aswell.  Wondering what my purpose is and why I am still here.  It is a distressing thought.

I am glad you found this place there is plenty of support here.

[GASF]

Thank you, I always thought OCD involved only routines and things like that, I never realized it was more.  I have done a bit of research and recognized many of my symptoms.  Things get a lot less scary when you know what you are up against, and this might be it.  Meds may be an option again, I will discuss these things with a professional.

[pippip]

There's a type of OCD characterized by only obsessive thoughts called purely O ocd i think i have it to some degree. I'm not sure anyone loves being here sinceit invovled having a mental disorder which isn't fun. Conrats on everything you have going for you right now though with grad school and marriage! Perhaps a therapist could help you out with some of these problems so you can enjoy this time in your life more. Best wishes

[Mr_Anxiety]

I just realized that reading this forum right before I go to sleep is such a bad idea because my mind will just be focused on the posts I read- thus clouding my mind with negative thoughts

[ggjjkk]

Hi,

You are not alone, and there is no shame in being depressed. All people get depressed, some of us are just more predisposed to it than others. One thing I noticed that you said it that you would like to get back to normal...which makes me wonder if these feelings that you have been having started fairly recently (in the last couple years) or if you have always had feelings of anxiety and depression in your life...

 It is true that clinical depression can set in at any time, however if you have just started in the last couple of years to feel this way... your depression may be more situational that chemical. It sounds to me like you are a bit of a perfectionist, probably an intelligent, high achiever who has set lofty goals for himself. As young adults of the technological age, the possibilities for our futures are endless. There is an increased pressure for us to know exactly what career we want and we often feel that we need to make a dramatic world-changing achievement in order to fufill all of our hopes and dreams. If you are finishing grad school it sounds like you've already made those descisions... You mention your carreer and impending marriage as things you "should" be happy about. Perhaps they are also the things that are making you anxious. We do nothing but train during our childhoods to make the important life decisions you have recently made. Unfotunatly, we learn only to make them, not what to do after we make them. We have no experience yet living with out career choices. The storybook ends with happily ever after. There is no description of what happily ever after is or what it's daily activities are. It seems right that at this time in your life you should be questioning your mortality, purpose and ultimate future. You have now set a large chunk of your life in motion. It is natural to have a bit of a let down. You may subconsciously be comparing the path you have chosen to all the other possible paths that you didn't choose. You may be wondering if you have made all the right decisions.

I could be completely wrong, and if I am I have just spend alot of time going on about nothing.... but if you do ever find yourself wondering...."is this what I really want?"... I can tell you that a very natural feeling we all come across at one point or another. Trust your instincts. If you are not yet sure about a life-changing decision you are about to make, pull back if you can, and take a breather. Always take the time to think things through.

My best advice would be to swallow your pride and meet with a councelor. Talk your feelings through with them. They have gone to college and gradschool just like you to help people with the very soul-searching problems your having. There is a good website you could use called http://goodtherapy.org which has an online directory of therapists organized by location. It's quite helpful.

I sincerely hope you are able find yourself once again.

- GJK

"To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with grace."
 
-Peter Henry Abrahams

[jerryilliniwek]

Hi,
I noticed you got a lot of good advice already.  I have several friends with anxiety, depression, or bipolar.  Most have gone off medication when they felt better at one time or another and they all regret it.  The problem with medication is that it takes awhile for it to really work properly, and for you to adjust to it.  You can't just turn it on and off instantaneously.  I've been recently going through some tougher times, and I think if I had not been on the meds all along, it would have been a much more difficult situation.  Hope this helps.

JerryIlliniwek

[itsmeesindee]

I too have gone off and on meds many times.  I have finally come to the realization that I just need to take them.  I doc told me one time that anxiety for some people is like having diabetes or a heart condition you just need to take the meds.  I have found a good combination of meds for me. I take SSRI and a mood stabilizer.  The anxiety meds alone would make me feel emotionally flat and unhappy.  I can honestly say that for the first time in many years I actually feel happy and normal.

I think that if meds have worked for you before you might think about trying them again.  The most important thing is that you feel happy and can enjoy your life.

Take care,

Cin

[sophie]

really, as humans we seem to live in a rose tinted bubble...we are so ever optimistic.
feeling that we are just passing time, our lives are just a bunch of reactions to what it takes to exist is normal for me.
i started reading about existentialism and the philosphers that wrote about it and i discovered that its better therapy than my shrink!!
sometimes the thoughts depress me, other times I know that im just being a realist.