HOCD almost made me try to 0473.

[alicegrimshaw]

im 13. Ive been suffering from anxiety since about 10. I would panic about everything. I used to be terrified of cancer and even the word would make me feel sick.
 
The last month has been hell for me because i suddnly started imaging that id be a lesbian for reasons didnt know. It had always been one of the things that i worried about a little bit since I was about 10/11 but it had never been that bad but suddnly it all just blew up and i felt awful. I couldnt do anything because id turn on the TV and there would be loads if pretty woman and id panic that id fancy them and id start going dizzy and my heart would start racing and multiple times i would end up having to run to a toilet to be sick. I was sitting in the living room one day and i decided to try and think where this all came from.

 When i was realy young my brother used to tell me i fancied my female head teacher and it never bothered me because back then i was to young to understand even what a lesbian was so i thought he was just being silly. Then years later when i was in year 6 (10yrs old) i suddnly remebered and thought OMG what if people think i fancy this teacher who was also female which sent me into a panic all the time. When i finished primary school i thought ahh i hope the same thing doesnt happen again in secondry and of corse the first female teacher i had i then convinced myself that people are going to think i have a lesbian crush on her.
 Last week i broke down in front of my mum and she took me to the doctors. I didnt say anything about the HOCD because i was embarrased so i just mentioned the other things i used to worry about. The doctors reccomened me for "talking therapy" and i have to go for some blood tests. This is going to be in the next few weeks. To be honest this has giving me something to look forward to because right now im a mess. I realy dont want to be a lesbian but im scared im going to convince myself i am. I think "you know maybe this isnt anxiety and your actualy a lesbian in denial" 
The other week that thought wouldnt get out of my head and it was making me so depressed. I was walking back from school i just stepped out into the road without looking just in hope maybe a car would hit me. Luckly my friends grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

This is how i think

I see a pretty girl "Shes pretty. Do i fancy her?!"
Ill see one of my friends and ill suddenly get a thought of kissing them and i think "Oh god i just imagained kissing them!? Do i want to kiss them? I dont want to kiss them but why cant i get the image out?!"

Ill see a ugly boy "Is he actualy fit and im not attracted to him?"
and now whenever i see a girl who ive thought as as ugly i can suddenly see beauty in them which sounds realy nice but it stresses me out!
I just can't imagain getting married to a man anymore even though i so despratly want to be straight. Id rather die then be gay.

[ion]

Well for starters, please don't let the demons run amok in your head to the point where you do something like try to get run over!

What you talk about is very similar to what I had and have at various points.

I'll get anxious over watching good looking actors in a film, i'll see male friends/colleagues and suddenly the thought will pop into my head that i want to kiss them..it freaks me out and there's no actual attraction or real want for such things to occur.

One thing to try and do is think along these lines - 'I just thought about kissing her' ... 'Oh well, we all have random thoughts. Its just a thought anyway.'
Try not to give the thought too much control, otherwise it will get worse. This is obviously ALOT harder said than done.

As for your brothers comment, he was probably just teasing you but you took it to heart.
I remember my brother saying something about a dimple in my cheek meant i was wierd and i believed him for awhile (years...lol)

ALso you say you have been terrified of other things too, I'm the same, i used to be paranoid i would have a burst appendix all the time when i was younger. It seems that during the sexual stages of a persons development the OCD turns to sexuality and latches onto that.

I can't state enough how much pain I know you must be going through, but do talk to someone you can confide in and try to reroute the unwanted thoughts.

Peace

[queenofquirky]

You're 13, and at that age it is generally considered normal to be exploring your sexuality and orientation. I am gay, and I can tell you I did not consciously choose to be attracted to other women - it just is what it is. You can't "convince" yourself into being gay.

Personally, I think sexuality is fluid. I don't believe anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay, but individuals lean more or less toward either side of the continuum.

Part of the problem is when you try to tell yourself not to obsess over a particular thing, you start to obsess over it more. Your therapist may ask you to envision what it would be like to actually *be* gay (trust me, it's just as boring as being straight  ) and think about the worst case scenarios. If you mentally accept yourself and your possible situation, it becomes easier to accept yourself physically exactly as you are (gay or straight).

Good luck. Try not to stress so much. Being happy is more important than any label society could ever slap on me.

[alicegrimshaw]

You're 13, and at that age it is generally considered normal to be exploring your sexuality and orientation. I am gay, and I can tell you I did not consciously choose to be attracted to other women - it just is what it is. You can't "convince" yourself into being gay.

Personally, I think sexuality is fluid. I don't believe anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay, but individuals lean more or less toward either side of the continuum.

Part of the problem is when you try to tell yourself not to obsess over a particular thing, you start to obsess over it more. Your therapist may ask you to envision what it would be like to actually *be* gay (trust me, it's just as boring as being straight  ) and think about the worst case scenarios. If you mentally accept yourself and your possible situation, it becomes easier to accept yourself physically exactly as you are (gay or straight).

Good luck. Try not to stress so much. Being happy is more important than any label society could ever slap on me.

I don't think theres anything wrong with being gay. Just personaly i dont want to be gay. It's not because im scared I wont be excepted or anything like that it's just i realy realy dont want to be gay. Did you always feel comftable with the idea of being gay or did you used to "not want to be gay"

[queenofquirky]

Did you always feel comftable with the idea of being gay or did you used to "not want to be gay"

I was raised in a strict Catholic family, so being gay was an automatic damnation to hell. In fact, the thought of "being gay" never crossed my mind. I always assumed I'd get married, have kids, live in a nice house, have a career etc. Unfortunately, life had other plans. In my later HS years, I had crushes on a friend or two and was just never interested in boys. I remember thinking "oh sh!t, maybe I'm a lesbian?" but that's about as far as it went. When I got to college, I met a wonderful girl and we've been together nearly three years now. She is everything I've ever wanted in a partner. She just happens to be a girl.

I think you need to ask yourself WHY you don't want to be gay. You say you don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, but the tone of your first post makes me suspect otherwise. Whatever your answer is, is fine, but it will be instrumental in accepting yourself for who you are and what makes you happy.