Friend with Anxiety

[1833]

Hi,
I met a girl with anxiety some months ago and at the beginning it seemed like working well (she always texted me and we had long conversations etc.) but from one day to another she started to push me away and since then she barely ever texts or calls me (if I initiate contact however she seems to enjoy some conversation). Sometimes it seems like she really likes me a lot and on other occasions she seems not to care. That goes from she being snappy to she kissing me. I really don't get it and don't know what she really feels and whether she wants me to stick with her or not? Any thought?

[Cuchculan]

Anxiety can be a funny old thing. You can feel / act different from one moment to the next. At times she might just be feeling down and not in the mood for much chat at all. Then at other times she would love to have that person there for her. To the outsider looking in it can seem at times like they are been ignored. But the person is just looking for their own space. She may be having a bad day. The mood can change if the day begins to change too. Just let her know you are there for her no matter what. Just to hear that should make her happy. If she wants to talk about her problems, you might no fully understand them. But just let her do the talking. It is her way of letting it all out. Just be the ear she might need. But they may be periods of no contact too. It can happen. It is just the condition. It is nothing personal against you at all. You sound like a great friend to have about.

[constantmover]

What Cuch says is exactly right. The only thing I would add is that if you are wondering what is going on or whether she is interested in you, then ask.  We often have insecurities because of our anxiety and instead of talking about it we avoid people or don't talk about it because we don't like to feel we are a burden or that we will drive someone we care about away.  The snappishness could very well be her defense mechanism.  Speaking for myself, I can tend to be that way too especially if I am trying to hold it together on my own and don't want people to view me as a burden.  I know it is the wrong way to deal with this, but non the less, I sometimes revert back to being defensive or snappish to make myself feel stronger and/or in control.  I don't know if this makes sense or not, but if you were to ask her how she feels about your relationship and that you are there to support her and that you care about her, she may open up a little more to you.  Also, once you establish that you have feelings for her no matter what and she feels the same way, you will know that when she is in one of these difficult periods, it really doesn't have anything to do with you, it is the anxiety she is struggling with and that is how she copes with it.  Mind you, it could all blow up in your face and you may find out that she isn't that "into you".  If that is the case, it is better to find out now then once you are totally invested in her.

[1833]

Thank you for your replies. I don't think she wants to be more than just friends, but sometimes she starts to talk about reasons why a relationship couldn't work (some of them don't really make sense) from out of nowhere. She told me that she cannot allow to feel more than friendship for me because she would have to push me away if she does. I really don't get that. Well anyway, I always wonder how much I should contact her and how often I should ask her out or tell her that I care about her and she always can count on me. I don't want to sound like I'm patronizing her, but on the other hand I also don't want her to belive I don't care anymore. What is a good balance? When I asked her she just said it doesn't matter how often I text or call her.

[Cuchculan]

She could have low self esteem about herself. That can happen with anxiety. There are various sorts of anxiety. She may be one who thinks about what others think of her. Because of her anxiety issues she doesn't see herself as been able to be in a relationship. Some of us are single because of the condition. It does hamper things we can do. So she may have her limits. The pushing away part might be just all about having her own space. Another anxiety thing. People come into our space we don't like it. As much as she might like you she may also see the fact that she prefers her own space and doing things in her own time. As in not having to meet certain time arrangements. As it is she is free to do as she pleases in her own time and her own space. She might want to keep it that way for now. But remain friends with her. As things can change over time. I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you or come across as sounding bad. But at times that is how we can come across. It is like we are only thinking of ourselves. Can seem cold to others. All part and parcel of anxiety.

[constantmover]

Again, my friend Cuch is spot on.  The only thing I might add, coming from a woman's perspective, she told you straight up that she isn't interested in a relationship because she would just push you away and that she doesn't really care if and when you call or text her.  This all definitely could be part and parcel of her disorder but, it also could mean that she simply doesn't want a close relationship with you regardless.  We do tend to come across as being cold, just like Cuch said and it is a defense mechanism, but I sense that you are hoping this relationship will turn around to being more than she is willing to give.  It could happen, but my gut is telling me it won't especially if you frequently try to keep in touch with her.  You've told her already that you will always be there for her, so give her the odd phone call or text every now and then, but don't over do it.  She has your number, she can get in touch with you if she really wants to continue a friendship.  We tend to have precious few friends because of this disorder, but I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up that some day she may change her mind and fall madly in love with you.  She could very well just simply not want a romantic relationship with you and is trying to let you down gently.  I've done the same thing myself in the past and yet, I am now married for 35 years.  So obviously, I was willing to give it a go with the right person for me. 

Basically what I am saying here is what Cuch says is spot on, but sometimes people use excuses to try and let someone down gently that they don't want a relationship (either friendship or romantic) rather that telling them in a nasty way, to go away, I don't want you in my life.   Just because we have an anxiety disorder doesn't mean that we are different than others in how we try to get out of a relationship.  I'm sorry to be blunt, but you do have to consider that this could be the case here.  She knows you are there for her as a friend, so the ball is in her court.  If you are looking for a love interest with this girl, you could be waiting forever and possibly passing up great opportunities of meeting the "right one".  You are obviously a great guy who is willing to be there for this girl, I would just hate for you to be wasting your time on the hope that she may change her mind when you could be with someone who really cares for you.

[1833]

I understand what you mean. It's just that when I contact her less she starts to contact me more and when we get closer again the contact gets cooler again. It just seems out of balance, as if she doesn't want me to stay too close and at the same time doesn't want me to leave. Sometimes she surprises me with things I never would expect, like that she cares so much that I'm feeling well, or does she pick me up somewhere even if she doesn't like to drive, or does she gives me a present or a kiss. I just don't know if she does those thing because she likes me or because she knows I want it? I don't know if you guys understand what I mean. I'm just confused about the whole thing and want to understand what's going on.

[Cuchculan]

Well, without wanting to sound too cold, could be she be fecken with your head? Playing her own little games. Oh I miss you, oh I miss you. Then, we are seeing each other to much. In other words drag you in, hook, line and sinker. Only to toss you off the edge again. Again it might come down to her condition. Which maybe a bit more than just simple anxiety. She may be bi-polar. Love you one minute, hate you the next. Or even have a split personality. But these could just be bad excuses for a girl who might be just having fun with you. That's having fun at your expense. Just because she suffers from what she does, that does not mean you can not ask her a straight out question. Do you or do you not want me. Which is it to be. I can well imagine the answer if she is a game player. Most probably tell you that life can't go on without you in it. If you hear that lark she is fecken with your head. Time to back away. Very hard to explain. But some people do look for others to take things out on. This could simply be a case of that. I would say ' ask her '. Anxiety condition or not. Or else keep going as you are. Accept things as they are. And be willing to put up with a lot more BS than you really want in your life.

[constantmover]

Again, my friend Cuch has hit it on the head.  He has said what I have been feeling/suspecting about this girl.  Unfortunately there are lots of girls out there that just love to have attention from men and don't care if they hurt the person in the process.  I have the same feeling that Cuch has that, anxiety disorder or not, this girl is just leading you on.  Dangling a carrot and then pulling it away.  She knows she can get attention from you and feels comfortable that you will come whenever she wants.  Basically, she is a user....Sorry, but that is how I see it.  Frankly, it doesn't matter if this girl has an anxiety disorder or not, she is playing with you and no one deserves to be played with like this.  The gifts and other things she does for you mean nothing, they don't mean she loves you or even likes you.  All they do is make you think she is interested in you when all she is interested in is the attention.  It makes here feel powerful that she has you at her beck and call.  That is not a relationship or a friendship.  I'm being harsh here, but I see this as I've seen it so many times before, this girl is getting off on the attention and that is all it is.  Sorry, I suggest you move on before you get really hurt.

[1833]

I also thought about that possibility, but than on the other side it seems like she's moody and the anxiety is dragging her down and when she's all stressed out she avoids people in general. There are days she's all happy, talkative, lovely and nice while on others she just seems down. It's not that she tells me that we are too close, it is more that she seems to be somewhere else with her thoughts but when I ask her she tells me always that she likes me and enjoys my company.

She has really low self esteem and believes she has no value and she cannot believe that I really like her. I don't mind that she needs her space and we don't have much contact if that's something she needs and I enjoy the time she and me spend together. I have a relatively busy life and many things to do, so it is not that my whole life is roating around her, I just don't want to leave her behind if she really cares about me as a friend. She once told me that she does not understands why I like her and sometimes she even opens up and shares things she normally tries to hide from people. I'm curious how anxiety is affecting your lives? How is it to live with that?