my husband's love for me seems to "feed" his GAD

[andreap]

Not sure what made me come on here today - not been here for months!  But I thought I'd update. 
For you Grandma, mainly!
I think as time has gone on, more & more has happened to convince me that you were right with your hunch about personality disorder, or borderline in particular. 

I said above, in May,

Maybe the time will come when he hits his reality that he either has to let go of his love for me, or let go of his fear of looking at himself.  My life is certainly moving on....   

What happened was that he let go of his love for me. Or suppressed it maybe.  (Or suppressed or detached from, or lost, whatever good feelings he had for me anyway).   But he didn't just do that, he also seems to have painted me blacker than black (all very typical borderline behaviour it seems).
   
I had learnt that there could be no future with him for me unless he looked at his "issues", and I started to try to let go and move on with my life.  I've been getting on with life, and looking at a different future.... who knows what it will hold, but I know it will be good.  I still have spells of time, sometimes days at a time, when I miss him lots, and I still sometimes grieve desperately for all the "good" that we shared.  But I know it's well and truly gone.. it's past.

It reached a time, back in June, when he switched, in the space of a few days, from saying he loved me but just "couldn't do the day to day" but thought he could reach a point of "taking on all the adult stuff" (his words), just not at this stage, and that he could see that I could not be expected to wait around for years while he "figures sh*t out" (his words), to then saying he thought nothing would ever be any different between us and that he felt sure he "would not be able to go the extra distance". 
I told him that I accepted this, and had already seen for myself that with him being unable to do the "day-to-day" and unable to "go the extra distance", my love for him was sadly on a dead end road.  I had told him that I didn't see myself as "waiting" at that stage (after his comment about me waiting for years while he figures it all out), but that it would've needed some sort of action from him, as in a commitment to come to couples counselling for example, in order for me to see myself more as "waiting", and because he refused outright to attend any sort of counselling, there was nothing more I could do, and so had already begun with trying to let go and move my life forwards.   
He very quickly agreed that divorce was the only way from here. 
I told him I'd get it started when I was ready. 

Then a few weeks after that, I got a letter from him saying he wanted to make his position completely clear to me as it may help me with moving on, and spelling out that his position is that he does not love me anymore, and he thinks, in hindsight, that marrying me was a mistake.
I probably should not even have responded, but I told him his words of love or no love really made no difference to my journey with moving on, because, as I had already told him, I had accepted that I had to let go and move on and had already begun to do so.
I then blocked his number from my phone.  (I had not been instigating any communication since about March anyway, but had been responding.  But I found that getting this sort of communication from him, when we'd already agreed that divorce was what had to come next, just set me back emotionally, and I wanted the greater sense of stability that I could get from not having to deal with any communication like this).

I sent him a letter at the end of July, talking about financial stuff, to try to reach some agreement for divorce, but got no response.  I didn't start official proceedings then until the beginning of september because I just didn't want all this hanging over my head during my summer break with my kids. 
Just into september, not long after I'd seen a solicitor to get things rolling, he sends me a letter.  He was at this stage unaware that I'd started divorce proceedings.  He said in it that he'd texted me in the middle of August (but of course I didn't get this because his number was blocked).  His letter said that if I did not start divorce proceedings before the end of October, then he would instruct against me, and he went on to list several reasons that he apparently would cite as my unreasonable behaviour!
The accusations he made completely floored me!  Such a complete twist on reality.  I'd say much of it is nothing but projection.  All very bpd like from what I have read.  He completely disconnected himself from any good feelings he had for me, instead painting me black, and now even accusing me of many of the things that are actually things that he did.
It was as if the stronger I got in my boundaries, and the more he sensed I was letting go, the blacker I got painted in his mind. 

I've handed it all over to a solicitor.  I am not looking forward to the next few months. 
I still wake up most days with a feeling of unreality, wondering just how this could all happen as it has for him.  It often seems to make no sense.... The only way it makes sense to me is in the context of borderline pd.  Then it seems to have played out just as it does in many a bpd script. 

His next move never seems to cease to take me by surprise, to come at me from left field.  But I think I understand enough now to be able to see all of it for what it is.  It's still hard though.  But I'm getting to where I need to be.   

I still feel such sadness some days that so much good was lost.  Because amongst all the turmoil, there was so much good.   But the "good" can never survive, or win out, whilst it's existing in the throes of such inner conflict that he experiences. 
I hope I find the good again.  And that next time it doesn't get strangled out of existence as it did here. 


I hope all is well with you Grandma.  Thank you again for all the help you gave me.