my husband's love for me seems to "feed" his GAD

[andreap]

As I have learnt recently about what my husband is suffering from, I have come to understand that his love for me actually just seems to feed his GAD.  I can see that living with love adds so much potential for anxiety, so the fact that he loves me, actually seems to make life harder for him in many ways and makes it difficult for him to live with me.  It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your husband's love for you gives him difficulties.

Do any sufferers reading this relate to this?  The fact that loving someone makes life with GAD so much more difficult?  He worries continuously about upsetting me, then struggles so much to deal with the anxiety this gives him, to the point where he needs to escape, or to the point where he seems to resent me for giving him so much to worry about, rather than being able to feel more "free". 
He builds stress in his mind about things he thinks I will have problems with, then he believes it so much that he attributes that stress to me.  His GAD seems to make him really believe that I will have problems with everything, even the most irrational things.  For example, he says he doesn't like to go to bed earlier than me, he feels he just can't, even if he is feeling incredibly tired.  If I was to tell him it's absolutely no problem for him to go off to bed, he would say no he's fine, he doesn't want to.  But then all the time he will be building resentment about the fact that he wants to go to bed and feels he can't!  I can tell him and tell him that I really don't have a problem with him going to bed before me, there is absolutely no reason why I would have a problem with it, but he seems to find it incredibly hard to believe me.

He is currently not living at home with me following what I would describe as his recent meltdown.   (Some of you on here have heard me talk about this - in great depth! I have been given fantastic advice from some of you, thank you!).   Things got to breaking point before either of us knew anything about GAD, and that lack of awareness and understanding meant that by taking so much personally and reacting to him in the ways I often did, I tended to feed his cycle.  I think I could be understanding enough to deal with him much better now, and not fuel his fire, but I think at the moment he is afraid to even look at himself closely, and accept that his problem causes many of our difficulties.  I can understand completely that the very nature of his disorder means it is going to be hard for him to look at himself and accept and address things.

Do you agree that if we are ever to be successful in living together, he would maybe need to talk to me when those things start to take over his mind (like the going to bed earlier than me) so that I can reassure him then that I do not have a problem with whatever it is he thinks I am going to have a problem with (unless of course I do!)?  And that before we can live together, he needs to be brave enough to find out about his GAD himself so that when it has been messing with his mind in the way it does, he can return to rationality sooner, maybe knowing that it is the GAD, not me, that put the stress there?

[andreap]

I wanted to add that when I say "I could be understanding enough to deal with him much better now and not fuel his fire", I suppose my main thinking behind the post is that even with me not fuelling his fire, (i.e by understanding what's behind his behaviour more, and seeing this thing as an illness), the very fact that he loves me will always give him his own fuel anyway.  And to be able to "manage" this aspect of it and live with his love for me, he needs to fully understand how the GAD works on him? 

I hope he will feel able to look for his own understanding.  He knows that I love him deeply.  I am just being patient and not putting pressure on him.  I think that is all I can do.
 

[crazygirl1]

I can relate to this on a different level. My love for my child feeds my anxiety. Many ppl here will tell you the same thing-since having children and discovering this new kind of selfless love-our anxiety increased. Doesnt mean it has to stay that way but until we fnd a way to accept the anxiety we're dealing with, thats what it is.

[andreap]

Hi crazygirl1, thank you for your reply.  Yes, I can see how that is very similar - the way that your love for your child would increase your anxiety.  The fact that you talk about finding a way to accept the anxiety you are dealing with reassures me that I am right in thinking he needs to reach a point where he accepts what his anxiety is doing and understand how it works in this way. 

He has a child too, a daughter, who lives with her mum, but stayed with us twice a week (when he was here).  Issues around her I know have given him a whole lot more anxiety too, mainly in his worries about whether she really wants him to be with me, whether she is jealous of me, whether his relationship with me is having a negative impact on her etc.  I have always said it's can't be doing her any harm to have to "share" him, providing she always knows that she is loved, which I am sure she does!  And so many times I have tried to encourage him to spend time with her alone, doing their own thing, quality time for her, but then he feels like he wants to be with me and all his irrational worries kick in there too about whether I will be ok with it (even though it has been me who has suggested it!)  So I can see how him loving me just generally generates so much more anxiety for him.   Gosh, what turmoil he must feel alot of the time.

[jerseygirldv]

I can relate that living with love fuels anxiety. When i am not in a relationship I am usually so busy focusing on finding a relationship that I don't have time to let my craziness out of the closet. I'm usually working, gym, going out... keeping busy... trying to look / act my best etc. For the past two years i've been in an amazing relationship with a guy that i'm crazy over. Well guess what? For the last 2 years i've been a total nut job and I truely think it's because i'm with this great guy because i've never let anxiety take over like this before in my entire life. It does get in the way of our relationship because my thing is i always feel sick and think i'm dying... I try to hide it from him but i'm sure he thinks im crazy. It's only a matter of how much is he going to take before he peaces out.

[Grandma]

Hi andreap -

I find it curious that you attribute all of your husband's difficulties to his anxiety.  Far from everything that someone with anxiety does, can be attributed to anxiety, and using anxiety as an excuse for bad behavior is, frankly and with no offense intended, a cop out.

Generalized anxiety disorder has nothing at all to do with the behavior you describe.  You say that 

                                     He worries continuously about upsetting me, then struggles so much to deal with the
                                     anxiety this gives him, to the point where he needs to escape, or to the point where he
                                     seems to resent me for giving him so much to worry about, rather than being able to
                                     feel more "free".  He builds stress in his mind about things he thinks I will have problems
                                     with, then he believes it so much that he attributes that stress to me.  His GAD seems to
                                     make him really believe that I will have problems with everything, even the most irrational
                                     things."

Please look up and read carefully the definition of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  There is nothing in the definition to suggest that anxiety causes this sort of behavior.

I am going to suggest a differential diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am NOT saying that he has this illness.  I am saying that if I were providing therapy to your husband, this is a diagnosis that I would explore.  The exploration might prove to be far off target, but I would take a look.

Perhaps you will be willing to research first, the definition of personality disorder, and then the specific criteria for Borderline, and let me know if my hunch makes sense.  It very likely will not, but I don't get many chances to use my rudimentary diagnostic skills, so maybe you can humor me!

A simpler, more benign, and more likely possibility is that your husband is codependant.  Codependancy is a pattern of behavior, not a mental disorder.  There are many definitions.  One of the most concise is this typical example:
                                   
                                     A relational pattern in which a person attempts to derive a sense of purpose through
                                     relationships with others.

For much more detail, you might want to read about CoDA - Codependants Anonymous.  Reading their list of characteristics of codependancy may be an eye opener.

I look forward to your thoughts about my thoughts!

Love, Grandma

[andreap]

Dear Grandma,
How lovely to be able to put a face to the name, in your picture!

Thank you so much for your thoughts.  I am very appreciative that you take the time to read my ramblings and give your thoughts.  There was a post you made in response to one of mine on another thread  (Re: how to help someone close to you who you think suffers GAD? « Reply #3 on: December 06, 2010, 11:59:35 AM »)  when you said you wondered then if there was more going on than GAD. 
I've come back to your thought on that many times, trying to figure out just what it is with him, what can make someone like 2 such very different personalities, what can make someone seem to lose touch with reality so quickly and easily, to the degree that something like turning their back on a commitment they make for life (marraige) after only 7 months, actually packing their stuff up and completely moving out, seems like the only thing to do, that they can lose touch so much with the reality of their feelings and the reasons why they made that commitment.  Because I really really believe with all my heart, that he does love me, that he does want to do his life with me, that his commitment was genuine.  When he changes, he completely loses all perspective on all that, and it really does seem as though he loses all touch with reality. 

I will be very interested to look into the things you mention - personality disorder & borderline PD. 
I latched on to the GAD stuff because alot of what I read about it seemed to fit him.  And I had read stuff about how sufferers can feel like they are watching their life acted out, feeling like 2 people.  And he has always said he has that anxious nervous feeling in his stomach pretty much all the time, as long as he can remember.  The therapist he saw a year ago (delving into his porn addicition) said that anxiety was the underlying thing.  So all that seemed to click.  But it's funny that as I find out more &more, I do think there's more to it than just anxiety, and I find myself coming full circle to the fact that whatever it is that causes his anguish, his mood swings, his unreality, he just is unable (or unwilling?) to look at himself. 

I'd like to give you some of the things I've had thoughts about over the last few weeks if you are happy to read more!  (quite a lot more no doubt!).  Since my initial posts on here, I have looked more into addictions too (as immediately that he left here in november he threw himself straight back into both porn addiciton and alcohol I believe).  He hit his meltdown in November when he found himself unable to address the alcohol problem in the way he wanted, or the way perhaps he thought I wanted him to.  I can see how the alcohol serves as self-medication (as did porn, does again now) for anxiety or whatever is causing that anxiety, and I can see how pressure was put on him by himself and by me, which actually fed the whole problem, but I can also see that those addicitions feed straight back in too.  I understand this cycle.  But I do question, as you have, whether all of his behaviour is down to anxiety.

I know a little about co-dependency.  I would even say that if I'm honest, I have had some issues with this myself - I have what I think could be described as clinical perfectionism (& an eating disorder as an expression of this), I tend to base my self-worth on the difference I make to others, I can see that I have needed him to need me, I have big problems with things either being success or failure, big problems with ideas of failure, I have tried to solve his problems for him... 
I have been having therapy myself for a year, and it's funny that the thing that maybe underlies my eating disorder in the 1st place is the thing that drives me to understand it and beat it!  It is also the thing that drives me to understand him and why things went so wrong.  I can see how my own problems have played their part in the turbulence, how I have been difficult to live with in some ways too.  But I have faced all that, accepted it, and am addressing it all the time.  Whereas it keeps on seeming to come back to the fact that he is not able to do the same. 
He says he just can't think about what's happened - that it "does his head in".  I see emotional immaturity here, which sits there also behind the addictions.  Surely anxiety and the fear of arguments and stress can't be all that is behind someone taking such drastic action as leaving a marraige, then not even looking at how or why they got to that point? 
He says he can't do any sort of counselling or therapy (not even couples therapy), "I did all that, it wore me out" he says.  (He saw the therapist a year ago for a couple of months, then an alcohol counsellor just a few times before he left here).   I see in all this, someone who seems very fearful and reluctant to look at themselves closely and find their way out of the anguish.  He seems trapped in this.  I can see that until he looks within himself, he will stay trapped. 
Whenever talk is broached of what happens with us, he brings it around to my problems & says "we always end up screaming at each other because of differences in our personalities".  Now I'm bound to say this of course, but I genuinely don't believe that all that happens with us is down to my problems.  Sometimes things he thinks, does or says, seem to be so irrational.  And sometimes there seems like no way I can win.  (For example if I want to do something he doesn't enjoy doing - if I wanted him to do it too that would cause problems, but if I tell him I don't mind him not doing it with me, that causes problems too because he takes that as rejection!)   And when he pins everything on differences in our personalities, I see this as a cop-out.  I have told him surely any 2 people have different personalities, it's surely all about how you deal with them.  We both have dealt with them in an inadequate, unconstructive, crap way.  I have looked at my part in that.  But he doesn't want to see his.  The way I see it is that by pinning it on our "differences", it's easy - no need to look at himself then really, he can just stick with his cop-out answer.  I think he needs to look at why he finds our differences such a problem, and why he finds any sort of difference of opinion so so stressful, why if I am not "up" & positive, he finds such difficulty.  Things that should be minor, become huge in his world.  I can't be telling him though where he needs to look.  He probably knows it.

I also think that when he talks about differences, he is getting a sense of differences in our value systems.  I can see that we do have different value systems, & I've always struggled to understand how come the things that provide me with a sense of balance and contentment (family for example) just don't seem to give him the same as they give me.  I see a bit now of how part of that value system was possibly never there in the same way for him, (as he says he believes & "knew" through childhood that his dad was not happy with his mum for many years but they stayed together for years that way before finally divorcing), but that also, over time, he has used the addictions to give him what that value system should give him, only what it gives him is "false" balance.  I understand how the addicitions work this way.  I try to figure out how much of what he goes through now is because of addiction, & how much is because of whatever it is (anxiety?) that is underlying of those addicitions. 
I suppose I am trying to understand him & his behaviour well enough to figure out whether I can have a future with him, or whether I should just give up on him.  I am convinced that there is some sort of underlying disorder there, but I know that he still needs to be responsible for his own thoughts, choices, actions.

He has moved into his own house, bought all new furniture for himself, wants to see me now though, but can't make a commitment he says, can't think about the future.  I have told him I can't see him.  When he said so categorically that he would need "at least a year" in his own place, my alarm bells rang.  I have realised that this timescale is really just a big enough buffer for him to not have to face any proper commitment.  Do you think?  He says he knows it's selfish of him, but he feels so bad, lost, empty, that he wants my love, company & comfort, but just can't commit to anything right now.  He says yes, really he wants just the good bits, because he just can't deal with anything else right now i.e a "full" relationship.  That he is so scared of the stress levels he was under in the period just before he left.  My take on this is that he wants me there for his security & comfort (for the same things he uses the addictions for), and that this will allow him still to not really look at himself and the things he maybe needs to look at.  Having that sort of part-time relationship with me will maybe just allow him to keep on running? 
I can see that he is absolutely terrified of relationship "stress", tension, arguments..  But our arguments so often have stemmed from his irrationality, his moods, his detachment from what he really feels, stress that seems to have been created from nowhere in his mind...
He said the way he wants it to be for the moment (have me in his life part-time, but not think about the future) is not so much selfish as self-preservation, & he just can't be any other way at present.  He says he feels like he needs me so bad, he hates himself for having no direction, no vision, for messing me around so much, that he wants for me to be happy, and for his anguish to stop, but he doesn't know how to get there. 
Whatever it is that has got him to the place he is now, do you agree that he needs to look at himself to see & accept what it is, and then that will give him the path out of the anguish?

I am going to look up the things you mentioned.  Not in order to give him any answers, but to give me some answers so that I can feel more able to visualise where my future may lie.  I know in my gut that at the moment it would be the wrong thing to see him. 

If you have read through to here, thank you so much.
I really do value your thoughts. 

[Grandma]

Hi andrea -

I'm so happy that my thoughts are meaningful to you.  My anxiety, depression, and PTSD ultimately robbed me of my dream of becoming a therapist, so I get even more satisfaction from helping people here than I would have otherwise.

I have an assignment for you.

Read all your posts in chronological order.  Don't read the replies, just the posts.  Read them imagining that they were written by someone else, and tell me as honestly as you can delve into yourself to determine, what advice you would give to the hypothetical author of these posts.

Now I'll tell you a joke. 

Q - What's the difference between an alcoholic and an addict?

A -  They'll both steal your wallet, but the addict will stay up all night with you trying to find it.

Draw your own conclusion.

Love, Grandma

[andreap]

Hi Grandma

Thank you again for all this.  I feel like I need good understanding in order to make decisions about where my life should go.  I feel like I invested so much.  I am going to do what you suggest - read all my posts.  But I think I already have an idea of what my advice to the hypothetical author would be.

I need to think more about the joke.  I'm feel pretty dim with this stuff.  I need some clarification!!  Is this about the way in which the addict deceives, protects their addiction?

Earlier, I looked a bit into personality disorders as you suggested.  Yes, very much of what I have read so far describes him.  In particular I read this about BPD:

"It is a disorder in which a person has a pattern of unstable personal relationships, a self-image that is not well formed and poor impulse control in areas such as spending, sexual conduct, driving, eating, and substance abuse.
Additionally, the person suffering from BPD fears abandonment and will go to any length to prevent this, often feeling chronic emptiness.
One of the hallmarks of BPD is known as "splitting". This is where the person with BPD will swing between idealising and devaluing people in relationships.
A person is either good or bad; with the person with BPD being unable to reconcile that there is both good and bad within the same person. This categorisation of a person may shift from day to day, the person being good one day and bad the next.
Their mood may be susceptible to outside stress with feelings of depression and anger readily provoked, and frequent anxiety. Under extreme stress, someone with BPD may experience paranoid thoughts, or may have dissociative symptoms such as "running on automatic" and disconnecting from reality."

These words are indeed the perfect fit.  All apart from possibly the impulsive spending.  But everything else, yes. 
Particularly the "splitting" thing.  I describe life with him as push-pull.  He pulls me in with desperation one minute, then pushes me away the next. 

I wonder if the addicitions are there because of this sort of disorder, or if this is there because of the addictions.....  I suppose I really need to stop wondering!
The bottom line, where it all leaves me, is that whatever his problem is, it is NOT ME.  Whether it be down to addiction, or personality disorder, or anxiety, the fact is, there are things about HIM that make his life so difficult.  And until he is ready to accept this properly, investigate it, figure it out, then he will continue to be trapped within it.

He has made me question so much about how much of it is down to me & my problems.  He talks about how scary the "bad times" are for him, the arguments...the way he says we always end up screaming at each other.  It feels as though I am always finding myself working hard to hold on to my belief that this is not all because of me.  I have to think hard about why those arguments have been there.  When I try to remember, it really does seem to be that the majority of our arguments and turbulent times have occured because of his irrationality, his moods, his push-pull thing.   And the only screaming I think I have done has been in the times when his porn addiction and the deceit that has gone with it has caused me trauma, or the times when things get heated but then he won't let me speak - he shouts over me, or walks away once he's said his bit.  The times I remember screaming at him, I remember clearly that my words have been such as this: "let me speak, let me speak, listen, why won't you listen to me.....".
I know there are ways in which I have been difficult to be around.  But he just can't convince me that most of his problematic behaviour is because of me, or life with me, or differences in our personalities.  Please tell me I am right. 

[Grandma]

Yes, andrea, you are right.

[andreap]

Yes, thank you.  I need to trust my gut more! 

And I have just read more about BPD.  I'd say you are very very good!  Your hunch makes perfect sense, and I am amazed that you are able to figure this stuff from the things I have written, without even ever having met him or spoken to him!

Thank you so much.   I think I can find the answers that will have that feeling of fitting properly.  And so I can feel more confident in trusting my gut instincts and concentrating on doing what is right for me.   (Do you see my own perfectionism at play here in my drive to find the answers?  I know it.)
Thank you, you are a very lovely, wise lady.

I need to go put my mind somewhere else now for the night!

[jazzy789]

[andreap]

Dear Grandma,

I wanted to just update.  Thank you again for taking the time to listen to my thoughts and respond in the ways you have. 
I sent myself on some crazy rumination roundabout with all this stuff.  I was looking for the black & white answer (that my perfectionist, analytical, mathematical mind, always strives to find, about anything that is put in my path!)  What I realised is there is no black & white answer!  It was a bit like me looking for the answer to the chicken/egg thing. 
My rumination roundabout was this:
Is it anxiety leading to addiction leading to those BPD sort of traits, or is it BPD leading to anxiety & addiction, or is it addiction leading to BPD traits & anxiety??!!

What I figure is that these things all feed each other in a vicious cycle. 
... Anxiety = Addictive/Impulsive behaviour = "Borderline" traits = anxiety = ....

Learning more about addiction, I believe that actually most of those behaviours and aspects of our relationship that fit so well with BPD, are most likely there because of years of addictive behaviour.  The push-pull that I have been on the receiving end of, that appears to fit so well with BPD, makes some sense to me now in this respect: 
Addiction has been used for years to provide the balance (all be it short-term & "false") against his (probably already higher than "normal" levels of) stress & anxiety, which over time, has "eroded" to some degree his "healthy" system, the one most people use for balance (family, self-respect etc).  The addictions have also added to the anxiety & stress etc too, just tipping the balance even more in the long term. 
Along comes love.  He has an expectation that this love will provide the balance.  He hopes that the relationship will provide what the addictions have provided (which he hates himself for).   In a sense, he is still looking "externally" for what he needs to find "internally"?   (Explaining why I have sometimes felt like I am "another addiction").
The relationship is almost set up to fail because of course it will never provide everything he is hoping for in terms of always balancing anxiety/stress, because Andreap is human with her own full range of human emotion (she is not "up" & positive 100% of the time, she is not just a living-breathing-"smiley"!!), so he feels "let down" by the relationship, it "isn't working", it is only "adding to his stress & anxiety" (the way in which I perceived his love for me to feed his anxiety in the title of the thread),  and so he makes his "full retreat" to his false system, by packing his stuff & completely leaving....   
But then he realises he wants & needs that love... so he pulls again...  and the cycle repeats...
This is the push-pull.  (This also explains my declarations so many times in the past that I am almost "not allowed to be negative" - that any sort of negative emotion from me, even if not about him, causes him difficulty). 

Only each time he leaves in this way, he is even more aware of the hurt he is leaving behind him, which feeds his guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety, along with the fact that he has retreated to addiction, which piles on even more guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety...
And this time, he finds himself in a place at the moment where the bad feelings are all intensified even more because he married me, then left (so an even bigger "push" coming so soon after an even bigger "pull").  He is in a place at the moment where he is unable to even look at any of this.  I do understand why now.  But sadly, unfortunately, frustratingly, he is the only one who can get him out of the trap. 

[Grandma]

Hi andreap -

It sounds like you have a keen, insightful understanding of the dynamics of your relationship with your husband, and of the challenges he must face if he is to glean happiness and peace from his sadly damaged life.

You are right when you say that he is the only one who can get him out of his trap.  And you, andreap, are the only one who can get yourself out of your trap.

I'm glad that you continue to let me know what's happening.  I look forward to hearing the next chapter of your story.

Love, Grandma

[andreap]

It's very heart-warming Grandma, to hear that you, just through hearing of my difficulties & dilemmas on a forum such as this, are caring enough to be glad of me letting you know what's happening.  Thank you. 
I'm feel I am in the most difficult period of my life so far, harder than leaving my first husband (the father of my 2 beautiful children & a man I have great respect for). 
I will certainly let you know the next chapter. 

[JamieW]

Thank you for sharing your story Andrea. I too read everything and I think that Grandma gave you excellent advise, but I loved how she helped you draw your own conclusions.

Great job Grandma, and Andrea, stay strong. As you may already know, often times problems are not solved over night. It is a process and a journey.

Again, thank you for sharing your story.

[andreap]

Thank you JamieW for reading it all.  Yes, Grandma is amazing!

I am trying very hard to stay strong, and to keep drawing on the other things in life that can give me happiness, like my wonderful family.  It's hard, but like you say, it's going to be a long journey, whichever way it goes.  It's very easy to get down about the fact that I just have to be doing it now, when in my mind I should have been instead just about to celebrate my 1st wedding anniversary with the man I love so deeply.  It hurts so very much some days.  But it is as it is.  I will keep focusing on me & my children
.
Thanks again for reading & responding.

[Noteasy]

Wow andreap!!!

I started reading your first post and was amazed to hear someone with virtually the same problem as I am going thru!!
My partner can tell me all day long how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me, then within minutes can pack his bag and walk out. (Usually after a call from his mum.)

I also thought he just suffered anxiety, but the BPD seems to fit very well.

Not sure of my next move but it seems crazy to throw away a very happy relationship on something that can be sorted out. I guess I can only keep trying until every stone is turned.

[andreap]

Hi Noteasy

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this same traumatic, draining, push-pull cycle. 
Does your partner accept that he has a problem that he can be helped for?  From what I read about BPD, one element of the disorder is that the sufferer often doesn't even accept that they have a problem.

I actually think now that those sort of personality traits in my partner that seem to fit with BPD, are quite possibly actually because of years of addiction & use of unhealthy sources for emotional "balance".  I think anxiety is his underlying problem, but he's used addiction to "escape" & give him a sense of balance.  The balance is artificial though really & so all of this feeds into a vicious cycle. 
He finds any sort of relationship conflict or negativity difficult.  If it's not all "love & light" then in his mind, it's "not working". 
I think him packing up & leaving as he does is to some extent that sort of impulse behaviour that tends to go along with BPD, or in his case, addiction, where behaviour is based on the emotion of the moment, rather than looking at consequences & long-term emotional fulfillment. 
I would describe it like this - it's as though one minute our relationship is everything he needs and the next it's everything he can't cope with!

Like you, I don't want to completely give up on a future with him, but as more time goes on with him unable to look at himself & look at what has happened in his life, (it's now been over 4 months since he packed & left) I sadly feel myself more & more empowered every day to face a future without him.  It feels sad that while I hope for him to find power within himself to face his problems, look at what happened & why, and find some belief in "us", I seem to find myself feeling more & more empowered every day to let go of that hope.
He texts me occasionally with thoughts that "it is all so screwed up", so he does recognize the scale of it all, and how unreal it all seems.  But, until he is able to look at why this stuff happens, why he found himself able to completely give up & run & turn his back on a promise of a life, only 7 months after he made that promise & really believed in it, then nothing will change. 

It's great that you want to "turn every stone".  As partners of people with these sort of problems, understanding what makes them the way they are can make so much difference!  I can see now that there is so much that I needn't take personally.  I know he loves me. 
I hope that both you & your partner together are able to turn the stones you need to turn and figure all this out so you can change the pattern in your relationship.  I'm at the place where I understand much of it, but I can see that he would need to find his own answers and find his own way out of his anguish.  I can't do that for him.
I would advise you to make sure you focus on you as you try to work out your next move.  (You may be doing this anyway!).  I'm only now beginning to realize though how much my own self esteem, self belief, got affected by all this.  Finding understanding of his problems, but focusing on my own values is now helping me build it back up. 

[andreap]

Well I felt the need to come on here & update. 
It's been a very, very difficult week.  I have lost my hope.

The day that should have been our 1st anniversary came & went last weekend, with not a word from him.  I found that quite hard.  But was sort of feeling like it needs to come from him now if it is to come at all.  I had felt my hope fading over the last few weeks.  He had been sending the odd text saying he hopes I'm ok, a couple saying things like its all so screwed up, one telling me he had a dream that I'd started seeing someone else, one a few days before the weekend (of the anniversary) saying the weekend was going to be very difficult, but nothing of any real substance, nothing to indicate he is thinking about anything, nothing to indicate really that he has reconnected with any sort of reality, or begun to really look at where the problems lie. 
He was wanting to see me, but with no commitment, just saying he can't give any commitment.  (I may have said this higher up this thread?).  So it seemed like he wanted all the benefits of love, the comfort, but with no commitment from him for the future, no looking at anything.  I do find it hard to square up that he says he loves me, says he misses me, says he hopes we can work this out someday, but says so categorically that he can't give any commitment, he can't do any counselling.... 
I see how "can't" runs through everything.  I think he has just lost all belief in us, all belief in himself.  He says he believes we would just end up back at square one, back in the same cycle..."because it has happened so many times before".  This is so frustrating and heart-breaking for me because yes, of course we would end up in the same cycle if he doesn't look for the reasons, if he doesn't look at many of the things that lay behind the stress and conflict he is so fearful of.  He just keeps on taking the past right on into the future.
It's so hard to deal with the fact that he seems to be choosing commitment-free life rather than life with me.  I think he is acting out of fear, but it really does feel like a retreat for him, to the things that he uses for emotional comfort, that ask for nothing from him in return.
It feels like, if our relationship could be compared to a machine, it's like the machine kept breaking down, but he doesn't look to try to find what the problems are that cause the breakdowns, he just sees the breakdowns and sees that the machine "isn't working".  It's like he gave up on it, scrapped the machine rather than trying to take the engine apart to look for the reasons behind the breakdowns.  And my loss of hope has come because of the feeling that now he feels as though there's no retrieving it from the scrapyard, it's already gone through the crusher. 

Ironic that following the weekend, with no word from him, I then ran into him in town in the week.  It really felt like he was not even there.  He was not very pleasant really.  He turned everything around on me in the way he does that seems to leave me feeling like the conversation has somehow been put through the spinner.  He seems completely unreachable, after 5 months of being gone.  He said that having been free of relationship commitment for a while, he couldn't let himself get "sucked back in" when he saw me. 
His emotional detachment is hard to take.  It always feels like rejection. 
I got a sense that a big part of him is wishing for me to let go (maybe so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility then, doesn't have to look at things, doesn't have to make the tough choices?), but then another side of him did not react too well a few weeks ago when I said that at least a year (which was the timescale he said he needed in his own house) would not be needed for me as I felt I would know, by gut feeling, whether my future lies with this before that time, say in the next 6 months at the most. He responded to that with "you seem to assume it will be you making the decision", like he didn't like me putting my own boundaries there.  It all seems so very contradictory - the sense that he wants me to let go, but the sense that he also doesn't want to let go.
 
It really feels now though as  though commitment-free life is all he feels he can cope with.  But then he won't accept that it's his problems, or that it's him having a problem with doing relationship.  He seems to be in some disconnected reality where he thinks he has no problem in doing relationship, even though he is now in his own house, NOT doing relationship, because he says he "can't". He seems to think all these problems will not follow him to any other relationship, even though he does nothing to look at why things went so insanely wrong, why he found himself turning his back on a life commitment, only 7 months after he made it.

It feels hopeless now.  I can't see how it can be brought back from this.  It really feels right now as though he will never believe in us, that he sees life without me as his only option now.
How long do you give someone?  How long, to come out of the fog, to look at the reality of why we are where we are?  I just don't see it coming.  I am feeling as though now is when I really need to properly let go.  It's so hard. 

[Grandma]

Hi Andreap -

Although I wish I could make your pain go away, all I can do is tell you that you know what you need to do.  Now you have to do it.

Love, Grandma

[andreap]

Hi Grandma,

Thank you for your repsonse. 
After I'd seen him and had more unpleasant communication from him, more of him turning it all around, more of him saying he is aware of his problems but then not seeing, or refusing to admit that awareness is completely different from acceptance and addressing of those issues, more of him saying it is both of our fault & no-one's fault at the same time (yes, he said this)...more communication leading me to feeling the need to defend me again, to defend who I am and to defend the fact that I defend my boundaries..I really finally felt the pain of life  with him (with his lack of acceptance, his inability to properly take responsibility, his projection) as being greater than the pain of losing him from my life altogether.  I got to a point where I just felt very strongly "I can't do this anymore".  My hope had already left me a few days before, and then I realized that here I was, yet again, just really waiting for his next rejection of who I am & life with me. 
I said all the things I had been not saying, about where I see the problems, about how there are things that were his problems that caused much of the "stress & anxiety" that he says he needs to avoid, about the way in which his high value on immediate gratification played such a huge part in the destruction.  I told him that only he can be responsible for HIS mind, his emotional management, not me, not "the relationship", not "nobody", only he. 
I said all the things I had been not saying in order to not rock his boat.  All the things I had been telling myself that by not saying I was helping me to move forward.  But I realized that by not saying it all I was giving it the power to derail me again further down the line.  So I put it all out there.  Of course he was not really "hearing", but it doesn't matter, I needed to say it.  I told him the point I had felt I had reached, where this is more painful than life without him, and so that's it, I know I have now said it all. 

I tried so hard to reach understanding of his problems, so that I could hold on to respect.  I think I found the understanding, but because he won't look for it himself, because he feels that he needs commitment-free life more than he needs commitment, the sad thing is that, for today at least, I can't find the same respect, I can't feel the same love, I don't feel anything of any strength.  There's been so much strong emotion over the past few months, from strong anger, to strong disbelief, to strong feelings of hurt, to strong feelings of love, to compassion, back to anger....  Yet today I feel like I'm in a bit of a void.  It's an almost pleasant release.  I hope it lasts!  I suspect it won't, but I will ride those times of strong emotion out if/when they return. 

[andreap]

I don't know if you will be reading Grandma, but I wanted to come back again & update.  I feel I am in a much better place than I was during the first part of the year and even when I wrote that last post. 
I left a line of communication open, and feel good about the fact that I am able to cope with communication from him (what little there is) without it sending me into an emotional spin.  I am able to get on with my life now, where I felt sort of "stuck" for those first few months.  I am able to find some joy in my life, not everyday, but alot of days, where before it seemed all I could feel was sadness, loss, despair, anger, disbelief etc.  Accepting what "is" was so hard for me.  But I have found that acceptance.  It's still hard.  I still get those moments of disbelief, and that it makes no sense, but other times I can see things for what they are.

I've been reading "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck (a read I'd recommend for anyone!).  It's been helping me find my own emotional balance, seeing how to deal with life's struggles.  He talks of these 4 tools - delaying gratification, dedication to truth (and acceptance of reality), accepting responsibility, and balance.  I see where my H has struggles with each of these at times.  But I see where I have previously had struggles with "balance" and acceptance of reality too. 
It also talked a bit about "character disorders", and I see much of my husband here.  The pointer you gave me Grandma towards Borderline Personality Disorder led me to look into personality disorders a bit, and the sort of traits that are described do seem to fit him quite well, possilby more cluster C types, like maybe Avoidant - but I can see cross-overs.   I read that that's common?  That often, people with PD's don't fit neatly into any one box?
I still sometimes find myself back on that rumination ride about which came first, PD traits, or addiction behaviour (so I still haven't completely "let go" - I haven't completely let go of my love, my thoughts about him, but what I have managed to do is let go in a good enough way, of my emotional attachment to the outcome if that makes sense?  I am able to live my life, and see my life, without him). 

I read about passive aggressive behaviour, how this used to be thought of as a PD of it's own (often called Negativistic Personality Disorder?), but that now perhaps this is seen more as behaviour traits that are a "symptom" of other PD's?
The passive aggressive thing fits well:
Individuals with passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder are ambivalent within their relationships and conflicted between their dependency needs and their desire for self-assertion. They waver between expressing hostile defiance toward people they see as causing their problems and attempting to mollify these people by asking forgiveness or promising to do better in the future.  These individuals are noted for the stormy nature of their interpersonal relationships. They engage in a combination of quarrelsomeness and submissiveness.
..They are resentfully quarrelsome and irritable. They often feel like a victim.
..These individuals inflict a great deal of discomfort on others through the use of their anxiety and emotional symptoms.
..Individuals with PAPD struggle between their desire to act out defiantly and their awareness that they must curtail their resentment.  They engage in grumbling, moody complaints, and sour pessimism; these behaviors serve as both a vehicle for tension discharge (relieving them of mounting anger) and as a means of intimidating others and inducing guilt (providing them with a sense of retribution for the wrongs they believe they have experienced). These socially maladaptive behaviors result in inevitable interpersonal conflict and frustration.  These individuals are able to sense the exasperation and growing animosity that others feel toward them; they use their awareness to become even more aggrieved -- without corresponding acceptance that their behavior has contributed to the situation.
People in relationships with PAPD individuals are perpetually waiting for the next struggle, the next grievance, the next round of volatility...  Passive-aggressive individuals are able, within their relationships, to trap people into situations wherein whatever they do is wrong.

M. Scott Peck talks of how "character disordered" people tend to find their lives dominated by "I can't" sort of language (how true for my H). He talks then of those at the other end, who find their lives dominated by "I should" sort of language (how true for me!). 

I came round to believing that there is something there, underlying in my H, some sort of disorder, and that this is what led him to addiction sort of behaviour, rather than it just being addiction that led to the rest.  That's been my instinct. 
I saw a programme the other day about brain development & what happens as we go through puberty & the effects of neuro-chemicals - the way in which teenagers, whilst going through that development, have much less impulse control.  I think so much of what is seen in people with PD's, and in addicts (so much of which is similar), is really down to some sort of lack of development here - like they got "stuck" at a certain stage.  Like the whole thing of delaying gratifiction - we most of us develop the tool of delaying gratification (by the age of about 5 or 6??)  But alot of PD behaviour (especially in borderline?) and addict behaviour, is about a high value on immediate gratification - like somehow their development of this got stuck?

What I came to accept is that whatever it is that is underlying his behaviour and his "anguish", there is nothing I can do.  He still asks to see me, but says he can't give any commitment.  I of course will not see him unless or until he is able to look at himself, because that is the only way he will ever get to the point of losing the fear of committing again.  He is "unable" he says, "to do the soul-searching".  He feels unable to look at himself & face things he needs to face.  But what I have fully accepted now is that without him facing those things, there can be no life for me with him.  He still refuses at the moment.  Maybe the time will come when he hits his reality that he either has to let go of his love for me, or let go of his fear of looking at himself.  My life is certainly moving on....   
And I'm proud of myself now for that!
My gut feeling is that his hit of reality will come too late.  This saddens me.  But I know that my life will be ok.   

[Grandma]

Hi andreap -

I am so happy to hear from you, and to hear how well you are doing. 

Please continue to write occasionally - I think of you often.

Love, Grandma

[andreap]

Thank you Grandma.  It's so lovely that you think of me. 
Your words on here have helped me so much through the difficult journey I've been having to make - not just your responses to my posts, but reading your repsonses to other people's posts too.
You are a very wise, lovely lady!