I don't belong anywhere

[Josie]

Having PTSD along with major depression and anxiety, I feel like I don't fit in.  I am not loved by my second husband.  When it comes to my mental state, he could care less.  It is now my responsibliity to get my own insurance, which I can't afford, and find away to pay for my medical bills.  I have to find a second job, which I can barely keep ahol of this one.  My family feels sorry for me and considers me delicate and sensitive. 
My heart still longs to die.  I am already dead inside mentally and emotionally.  I don't believe I can fulfill my purpose of my life.  I don't like who I am.  I don't think I ever will.
Ironic.  I can give hope to others when I don't feel like there is hope for me.  Hypocrite comes to mind.  I am very tired.
Josie

[csebring]

Josie,

I'm afraid I can't give you any life-changing advice (if I was that smart I'd be a millionaire, right?) and I know this sounds lame, but don't give up.

I've tried to 0473 several times in the past year.  Right now, since I'm having "a good day" I regret the fact that I tried to take my life, but I know a "bad day" will be lurking around the corner.

I know what it's like to have a spouse who doesn't really care or understand your problem.  I know what it's like to have people think you're "nuts" or just have them tell you "just quit thinking that way."  Arrgh! 

You mentioned that you can give hope to others, so it sounds like you must be a good friend to have.  I'm sure they would miss you if you were not around.

Well - that wasn't much - but I hoped it helped at least a tiny bit.  At least you know you're not alone!

[Josie]

Thank you.  It did help.  No, I really don't have any friends.  There is another site, in which I have my story.  Some people can read it and contact the program in which I am working on.  Some how they email straight to me. 
Any way, they are still alive today. 
It's my home life and family life vs. my past that is really getting to me.  It is very complicated and extremely long to tell about.  Not to mention pain to talk about. 
This program have given me wisdom and knowledge, but, I am having a hard time with the understanding or lack of strength -mentally and emotionally- to get by day to day. 
I want the world around me to change, but, it won't.  I have to change on how I handle it.   
I get so tired and feeling so uncared for and unloved.  I wish that I could tell you what all is going on, but, i just can't at this time. 
Thank you for sharing with me your wonderful advice.  No advice is ever lame when it is given with a caring heart.  Thanks again.
Josie
P.S. Don't you give up either.  Good days is one of the things that keeps us going. 

[Quietartist]

Hi Josie,

I just wanted to join csebring in telling you not to give up.  The world is a hard place to accept for some people.  Sometimes I feel like I don't belong or that I'm so different from everyone else that I must be some cosmic mix-up.  The truth is that we all belong here.  Our personal experiences may lead us to think negatively on this fact but it's true.  The world isn't fair.  Some have an easier road ahead of them.  This doesn't mean your life can't be everything you want it to be.  I'm very sorry that your husband ignores your lack of happiness.  People don't always understand what they don't experience first hand.  To give up hope is not a choice but a decision made in haste.  As someone who has battled similar demons I know how much you crave the feeling of "liking" yourself.  Your hard work will pay off.  A positive, healthy you who loves life is within reach.  In the meantime, accept where you are at this moment and like yourself for the dedication you've put towards improving your life.  Every little bit helps.  Good luck on your journey.

~ Quietartist

[Justyn]

Hey I'll take you into my heart and love you so that means you fit somewhere.  You can say poor me poor me and pour me another round of booze.  It solves nothing and you end up with a head ache and more doubts than before.  Why worry if you fit in the majority of the human race is stupid so why do you want to fit in?  It's stupid.  I care so it's nonsense to assume you don't belong anywhere.  You seem sad and scared to me.  Maybe talk to someone who understands.     

[Josie]

GIVING UP IS SO EASY TO DO AND VERY DECITEFUL TO SOMEONE WHO IS LONELY AND SCARED.  BACK IN APRIL I DID TRY TO END IT.  I AM STILL HERE.  GOD MUST THINK I AM WORTH SAVING.  PEOPLE ON THE FORUM ARE THE ONLY ONES I FOUND THAT UNDERSTAND.
AS FOR MY HUSBAND, I HAVE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.  I CAN'T GO BACK TO HIM AND HIS DAUGHTER UNLESS A MIRACLE COMES FROM GOD IN ALL OUR LIVES.  I DON'T KNOW IF I NEED TO PRAY FOR US TO GET BACK TOGETHER OR HELP ME GO ON WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. 
I JUST PRAY GOD'S WILL.  I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT NOW.
A FOR BELONGING SOMEWHER IN THIS WORLD.  I STILL WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE I BELONG AND THAT IS NOT JUST FRIENDSHIPS, BUT, WHO AM I REALLY?  I MAY NOT BELONG ANYWHERE UNTIL I KNOW WHO I AM.  I KNOW I AM IN CHRIST, BUT MY FAITH IN GOD HAS DIMINISHED QUIT A BIT AND THAT IS MY OWN FAULT. 
I DON'T WANT TO DO THE "POOR ME, POOR ME", BUT I GUESS I HAVE DONE THAT.  IT IS EASY TO FALL INTO WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN HURT SO MANY TIMES, LONELY AND SCARED. 
I KNOW I HAVE FRIENDS HERE AND I DO THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU.

[hopelessromantic]

I have heard the televangelist Joyce Meyer say that God works on his own time, on his own schedule....of course that is frustrating to those of us here on Earth....but he's never wrong about these things. I can't imagine God wanting the two of you to be together if he and his daughter make you that miserable....someone once said that we have to go through a lot of wrongs before we find the rights.....

On a side note, what did he say when you asked him for the divorce? Did he get violent/angry? Do you two have children together?

[Josie]

 When I told him I really wanted a divorce he said , "OK!"  No we don't have children together. 
 Joyce Meyer is a very good to listen to.  She has been there, done that and overcame through Christ.
 I KNOW this part isn't true, but sometimes I FEEL like God and satan are playing Chess and I am a pawn on the board of life. 
 It is so hard not to go by feelings.  The truth we have in Christ can seem so distant.  That is only because I have ran from God instead of to Him. 
Josie

[Justyn]

GIVING UP IS SO EASY TO DO AND VERY DECITEFUL TO SOMEONE WHO IS LONELY AND SCARED.  BACK IN APRIL I DID TRY TO END IT.  I AM STILL HERE.  GOD MUST THINK I AM WORTH SAVING.  PEOPLE ON THE FORUM ARE THE ONLY ONES I FOUND THAT UNDERSTAND.
AS FOR MY HUSBAND, I HAVE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.  I CAN'T GO BACK TO HIM AND HIS DAUGHTER UNLESS A MIRACLE COMES FROM GOD IN ALL OUR LIVES.  I DON'T KNOW IF I NEED TO PRAY FOR US TO GET BACK TOGETHER OR HELP ME GO ON WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. 
I JUST PRAY GOD'S WILL.  I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT NOW.
A FOR BELONGING SOMEWHER IN THIS WORLD.  I STILL WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE I BELONG AND THAT IS NOT JUST FRIENDSHIPS, BUT, WHO AM I REALLY?  I MAY NOT BELONG ANYWHERE UNTIL I KNOW WHO I AM.  I KNOW I AM IN CHRIST, BUT MY FAITH IN GOD HAS DIMINISHED QUIT A BIT AND THAT IS MY OWN FAULT. 
I DON'T WANT TO DO THE "POOR ME, POOR ME", BUT I GUESS I HAVE DONE THAT.  IT IS EASY TO FALL INTO WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN HURT SO MANY TIMES, LONELY AND SCARED. 
I KNOW I HAVE FRIENDS HERE AND I DO THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU.

I think you have serious problems need to be treated for them and need to experience a healing before you can decide what it is you want or what is good for you and have the courage to do it.  I'd say live somewhere else, work out why you want to take your life and figure out what to change so you aren't so miserable.  Maybe you need to stay with a friend, get a counsellor or some medication or all of those.  Then once you get well arrange to have your daughter and husband to dinner.   Maybe you'll see the reason you married him in the first place but now you are not feeling well. If not let him out of this so he can date and get on with his life.   Or just your daughter if you don't feel comfortable and never use her to get at him both of you love your girl and if you use her as a weapon or put her in the middle of your problems then that will mess her up and she will think she has do things to curry favor.  She isn't old enough most likely to deal with that.  Don't make her a victim of your mistakes.  The best thing you can do is to reassure her that you both love her even if you don't get along with each other.  I'd say do things with her like I don't know bowling or eating.  Or take her to her dentist visit or whatever chick things you both dig.  Or try something neither of you have ever tried before and tell her that this next part is like trying something you've never tried before either and there is going to be a lot of room for error.  That you'll probably make lots of mistakes but that is just because we don't know what we are doing or where any of this will end.  I'd say continue to be in your daughter's life so even if she doesn't have both her parents still married she'll know you still love her no matter what happens as a result.   Don't think you have to fix this because it takes two people working together and healthy enough to make this work. 

How I've avoided cutting my wrists was I said I wasn't feeling right or thinking clearly and decided to drink up and go to bed after having a bath, reading something that made me laugh and then went to bed.  Never make a serious decision until you aren't so raw inside.   Maybe you can't fix it between you but you can raise a decent woman and love her in your own way.   Like Ie buy something over 500 dollars, get married, get divorced, kill yourself or let your inlaws move in with you until you feel better:)     

[Justyn]

I have heard the televangelist Joyce Meyer say that God works on his own time, on his own schedule....of course that is frustrating to those of us here on Earth....but he's never wrong about these things. I can't imagine God wanting the two of you to be together if he and his daughter make you that miserable....someone once said that we have to go through a lot of wrongs before we find the rights.....

On a side note, what did he say when you asked him for the divorce? Did he get violent/angry? Do you two have children together?

Tele evangelist=con artist in my opinion they give you hope because they want cash.  You can sit on your butt all year waiting for apples to fall off trees or pigs to fly.  Or you can climb the stupid tree and pick one off or just put the pig in the catapult.  Who needs pigs to fly the geese make enough of a mess?  Go with what you think is right and be prepared if it blows up.  If god is late then leave without it and hope he catches up.  He's supposed to be all knowing and perfect so he should be able to find you.     

[Josie]

Tele evangelist=con artist in my opinion they give you hope because they want cash.  You can sit on your butt all year waiting for apples to fall off trees or pigs to fly.  Or you can climb the stupid tree and pick one off or just put the pig in the catapult.  Who needs pigs to fly the geese make enough of a mess?  Go with what you think is right and be prepared if it blows up.  If god is late then leave without it and hope he catches up.  He's supposed to be all knowing and perfect so he should be able to find you.     
[/quote]
I am sorry that you don't realize that Evangelists are all con artists.  He knows where we are at all times.  We need to find Him.  We are not to just sits on our butts and wait for the Lord to gives us an "apple".  He gives us the strength, knowledge, understanding, and wisdom to get it.  When we are weak, His is strong.  He will provide for His children.  Yes, we do "walk through the valley of the shadow of Death" but, He is with us.  He may not deliver you from the valley, but He will walk with you or even carry you through. 
It is when we run to God, He is there for us.  When we walk away, He will let you go your own way.  He has give us a free will.  It grieves His heart when we want to go our own way.  He created you and knew you and your days before you were born.  That is why He sent his son to die for us.
I am nothing without Him.  I have no righteousness without Him.  Through Christ I am made righteous.  God has His timing.  We need to be patient as He is patient with us.
Anger keeps us from knowing Him.   
As for pigs flying your right.  God didn't create pigs to fly because the geese does makes enough mess.  That is why I would never wait for a pig to fly. 

[1335TM]

I just wanted to say that I feel like that a lot, that I don't belong anywhere, so I understand how hard it is. It's true you can't change the world, only the way you experience it.  Ever since I took that statement to heart, things have gotten easier for me.  If something upsets me, I think of how else I can look at it, like is there a positive way to view this.  The harder the situation, the harder I have to look. But in the long run, it has helped to the point that I don't have the "i don't belong" thoughts as much.  don't know if you already know this, but just wanted to share my experience with it.

[tmicrowave]

i get real hung up on how i hate my past sometimes and the present moment is boring and i get down sometimes
ive learned you cant really change the outside things
the change has to happen inside you, and when you think of yourself as beautiful THEN the whole world seems beautiful

[Nika]

Hi Josie,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. PTSD is such an isolating condition. It feels like absolutely no one in the world gets you. I'm in the exact same place as you so I understand what you're going through. Hugs.

I don't want to come across as advertising, but after getting so sick of feeling alone in this world, I decided to create some PTSD support forums. So I thought maybe you would want to join where other people can relate specifically to your PTSD. I'm creating this so that people like us don't have to feel so alone in this world. If you want to check it out -- PM me or something. (I really don't want to come across as advertising because that's not my intention at all. I'm just trying to find other people in the same situation, so that we no longer have to be isolated by our PTSD).

I'm sorry your conditions have gotten so dire. What I hate about most government systems is that you have to have money to get the treatment you deserve. And if you don't have the funds, you get a big fat "TOO BAD" from the mental health system. There are free clinics around and you can sign up for Medicaid which covers psychiatric care and hospital stays. You might consider doing that so that money isn't an issue in getting the care you need.

-Nika

[7787cdcdd38c]

Im sorry about what's happening but be thankful you have people who love you and care for you. I've spent my entire life alone. Ask for some help from a close family member or friend.
I would have to say even in such a bad position you will likely make it through it.

[lulubee]

im sorry you feel this way josie, i myself am dealing with depression and anxiety this may sound bad but im glad there are other ppl with the same problems as me it makes me feel at ease and not alone, thanks for sharing and i really do hope things get better for you, us both. take care.

[Josie]

I was just also diagnosed with bipolar personality disorder.  My divorce should be final soon.  Don't ask if that is bad or good.  I don't know.  I believe and have suffered brain damage due to so many years of depression and anxiety.  That is what the doctor says.  I have to agree.  I try to hard to to do what I know is right.  I know I can't help myself. Only God can.  I know He answers prayers, but I just seem to mess up His answers to my prayers.