How do you explain these issues to your family?

[Tanner5397]

What I am having trouble  dealing  with currently is my family. We are going through a horrible time financially and have to file bankruptcy which requires me to have to go to lawyers and eventually court. I can't do this! How do I make my husband understand I can't do that. The closer the time comes for us to sit down with the attorney the worse my symptoms are becoming. We never talk about my agoraphobia and I do hide it well for the most part. He knows I have it though I think he doesn't understand it and doesn't want to. He does the grocery shopping, he goes to the kids school events, he goes to the family functions, but he still will call and ask me to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home like it is no problem for me. Now it's "hay we have a meeting with a lawyer on Monday. and are meeting with another one on Tuesday. He may as well say "Hay  stab yourself in the eye on Monday, and Tuesday cut off your nose."

We have been married for 20 years for a man who knows me he has no idea who I am.

[Duckie]

If he has no idea who you are, then you need to tell him. 
In my opinion, you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart.  Tell him how you're feeling about going to the attorney's office.  I'm sure he already knows, but he's in denial. 
Trust me when I say that 'the talk' will bring you two closer together, and most importantly, it will be a BIG relief to you.  It's hard to pretend all the time.  I know this because I pretended for many years, before I starting telling the truth about being agoraphobic. 
It was a HUGE relief.........
Good luck........let us know how it works out........

[mjd30]

Well, the first thing is you have to stop telling yourself that you can't do this...you CAN! If you keep telling yourself that you can't, then it really becomes a self fulfilling prophecy so let's just nip that one in the bud...mkay! And yes...I know that it is easier said than done, but try to work on it!

Having financial problems and needing to file bankruptcy is a huge burden and a tremendous stresser for anyone to have to deal with....even those who do not suffer from anxiety.  Just be honest with your hubby as I bet, he is probably experiencing some of the same fears, albeit yours may be a bit more to the "extreme".

My hubby is one of THE MOST laid back people you will ever meet. I don't think I've ever seen him cry, he rarely ever gets stressed, has only raised his voice once since we've been together, which is 8-9 years, and pretty much just "goes with flow" and adapts to situations and changes quite easily. Me on the other hand....well, I'm just a ball full of nerves! But when the time came for me to explain the seriousness of my anxiety, and the addition of panic attacks, I thought he would never understand, and at first....he really didn't. I must have explained it o him a hundred different ways and he still didn't get it. Then, something happened! And it wasn't anything that I did to make him realize it.

We were out at the store buying shoes for me, him and my son. I tried a pair on and was walking around the store with the shoes on, when I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and low and behold....a panic attack was coming. Try as I might to fight it, I just couldn't and I said to him, I'll be right back...I need to get some air. And what did I do? I ran out of the store with the sneakers I was trying on, on my feet! One of the clerks, whom was outside smoking a ciggie at the time, had come over to me. Mind you, I still had tags on my shoes and all I could think at that point was...omg! Now they're going to call the cops and have me arrested! For stealing!

Anyway, he came over, and said are you okay? I just looked at him...hands trembling, my voice shaky, legs so wobbly I could barely stand, tears in my eyes and I said no....I'm not! Oddly enough, he gave me hug and said...don't worry...it will pass...your just having a panic attack. Now mind you...my hubby had followed me out and witnessed what this complete stranger had said to me. I know, I know...seems almost surreal and in retrospect the entire situation was a bit odd! Lmao! But then again, I find myself reassuring strangers all the time! Especially those with unruly kids in the grocery store. But I digress....

At the time, I couldn't believe that someone I had never met before knew me so well! Well, not really but ya know what I mean! It just amazed me how obvious my anxiety and panic were at the time. But this was also the incident that finally made my hubby realize what I was going through and that yes...he never would REALLY get it or understand it. It kinda bothered him for a few days, that someone just had to look at me to know what was happening and was able to comfort me. After that, we talked a bit more about my PAs and while he does have a little bit better understanding of it, I have come to terms with the fact that he never will really get it. What he does know now though, is how to comfort me, when in my time of need. For example, yesterday was a bad day at work and the ride home was rough so I called him and he stayed on the phone with me for a good 15 minutes. The old him wouldn't have even picked up the phone as he had work at 5am this morning but he now realizes just how horrible these episodes can be.

I'm sorry for the rambling, but my point is that, sometimes, it IS very difficult for those who don't experience what you do to relate. The best thing to do is to be as honest as possible with your hubby, but to also realize that he may NEVER really "get it" completely. You also may need to tell them in detail...as if you were talking to a child...what you need from them. After one of my long talks with my hubby, I found that he was just as frustrated as I was in that he said he never really knew what I needed so I had t be specific....very very specific!

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, as it is very stressful, but you will make it through and come out stronger in the end. Best of luck to ya.

[Grandma]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I don't expect anyone to understand, or get, what I am going through, and I don't particularly care whether they do or don't.  However, I expect that anyone who purports to care about me believes and respects everything I tell him/her about what I experience.

After all, I will never understand or get what it is like to have prostate cancer, but it would never occur to me to doubt that someone with prostate cancer was experiencing every physical, emotional, and cognitive feeling and thought that he told me about.  I would do my best to find out what he needed from me, and either give it to him or explain kindly why I was unable to do what he asked.  I would educate myself about prostate cancer, and so forth.

I expect nothing less from those who love me regarding my anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

[Tanner5397]

Thank you, all of you for taking the time to respond. It is just too hard right now.

[raynebogurl]

I can totally relate to family and friends not understanding.  My family thinks I'm lazy and that I'm just making excuses.  My brother has told me numerous times that he pays for me to sit on my 0104 and do nothing.  And that I don't contribute to society!  Wow!  That hurt pretty badly.  Yes, I am on welfare and in the middle of appealing and SSD decision, but PA's are VERY real and debilitating and people just don't get it.  They think that you just need to calm down and everything will be fine, WRONG!  Growing up I used to tell my mom that I felt like I was going to faint all the time and she would just call me a hypochondriac, which at the time made me feel crazy.  Like I needed to be locked up somewhere.  But as time went on, someone told me about anxiety and panic attacks and I started researching  them.  The description of panic and anxiety described me to a "T".  It's been 10+ years since I've been diagnosed, but my family still doesn't get it.  I now suffer from mild agoraphobia as well...try explaining that to someone who doesn't get it.  I'm not saying there isn't hope for someone to get it.  I do have family and friends in my life that do understand and will go out of their way to help me.  But most of them will never get it.  Just know that what you suffer from is real, not in a life or death way, and explain that to your husband.  Find information for him to read.  Let him check out this forum.  Have your doctor/therapist talk to him.  Goodluck and I wish you the best!!

[Tanner5397]

Talked with Hubby last night it went much better than I thought. I knew there was a reason I married that man! I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and we are again in sync. I would recommend getting it of your chest to everyone!! Thanks for the support!

[mjd30]

I'm glad to hear things went well!

[Pug60647]

Imagine if you were the man, it's even more annoying. Well one thing that helps, you have to describe a little of how it works to your partner.

* you don't have the problem because you're "weak-willed", that's just a common misconception, it has real causes

* how would he like being drunk every day and not being able to sober up because the alcohol was made naturally in his brain. small difference

* your amygdala (fight or flight center of the brain) is over-active, for whatever reasons. that's one biological, real cause of your problem. google it and maybe you can explain it better

stuff like that. until your family knows anything about how the illness actually works, they will only be able to accomodate you so much. most patients are too lazy to research, but ask your therapist, doctor, AND/or google how this crap works, THEN explain what FACTS you have learned about it to family. nothing else gets them off your back, trust me.

when family understands panic disorder the patient gets love, when they don't, the patient gets knives in the back...at least that's been my experience. good luck with everything

as far as your appointments...try not to worry about them. worry is just a bad habit. it doesn't get anything done, except wearing you down. actions get things done, try to eliminate the worry habit. I hope some of my rambling helps you

[Tanner5397]

I try to explain it by making an example of a situation that would make them feel the panic set in like having a very close call when driving. Explaining that the heart racing, sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. shortness of breath that they feel in those situations.  I try to explain that my brain sends me those same signals when I do ordinary things like open the front door and walk to our mailbox.

I explain that sometime I can sweat through it and some times I get more severe symptoms if I don't listen to my body.

[mjd30]

That is an excellent way to explain things Tanner! Everyone does get those same anxiety/panic symptoms at some point in their lives, and it is a good way to try and "put them in our shoes" for the moment.

[Pug60647]

I try to explain it by making an example of a situation that would make them feel the panic set in like having a very close call when driving. Explaining that the heart racing, sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. shortness of breath that they feel in those situations.  I try to explain that my brain sends me those same signals when I do ordinary things like open the front door and walk to our mailbox.

I explain that sometime I can sweat through it and some times I get more severe symptoms if I don't listen to my body.

Those are real good examples Tanner...well with somebody like your partner, or a close family member, this is what I would do then..(and have done a few times). Take your husband to the shrink with you, tell the shrink first you wanna bring him, they don't like a whole lot of surprises but you probably know that.

Then with your husband there in the session, explain to the shrink that you don't know how to explain the mental illness and you feel like a burden. Make the therapist be your advocate on this...they're getting paid after all.

Hope some of my rambling helps you out, this has helped me in the past with my mother, girlfriend, & other close relatives.

[Tanner5397]

Oh I hear you I have often thought it would do him good to see a therapist. I myself have not been able to go to one for awhile now. I have not been able to find one who makes me feel comfortable.