Anxiety about sexual orientation. Please help me.

[OCDP]

Please bare with me, my mind is such a mess right now and my thoughts are so jumbled. I'll try to make as much sense as possible.

The last few days have been some of the worst OCD I've had yet in my 6 years of anxiety. It's a fear I've had before but I never let it get to me like this. I'm going day to day worried that I am becoming gay or am gay. I'm completely obsessed about my sexual orientation and whether or not I am gay, it's awful. It's the most uncomforatable, disturbing feeling. I am so confused from all the over-thinking and obsessing that nothing makes sense anymore and the worry just gets more and more silly but makes everything worse at the same time.

Let me say that I've always been interested in women, I've never had any interest in men sexually or in any other way other than friendship. Now that I am obsessing now though, my brain is telling me otherwise. The thoughts feel so real and so convincing that it's making me literally confused. I am going minute by minute with these insane, intrusive, disturbing thoughts about everything related to being gay. The thoughts make me doubt myself, it makes me question my sexuality.

It's getting as far as to me questioning how I talk, things I say, how I say it, the music I'm listening to. Anytime I see males I get insanely anxious. The over thinking and intrusive thoughts are taking a massive toll on me. I'm going as far as doing things to help convince myself I am straight, to further re-assure myself. It just isn't helping.

What I *hope* is happening is that I am getting over most of my other health anxiety I've had and now my brain is for some reason going back through old worries and now making them stick, almost to replace the intense obsession of my other fears.

I'm scared, confused.. I tell myself OVER AND OVER that I am straight, I can't imagine having any kind of intimate or sexual relationship with a man but my anxiety instantly kicks in and makes me second guess and doubt myself. The other half of me is there fighting it off, re-assuring myself I am straight and that I like women, I want a relationship with a woman, etc, etc, but it's not strong enough to eliminate the problem.

Is this an anxious phase that should pass? I am so scared. This is such a STUPID worry to have. I can't take the obsessing and the thoughts and images anymore. I can't watch TV without thinking about it, hang around friends, anything that could potentially make it worse I try to avoid..

Sorry this is so long.. this isn't something I can share with family or friends.. I am far too emberassed right now. I want this to end. I'd much rather be obsessing about my physical health (as bad as that sounds)

[GenSec]

Hi, that sounds like a really awful thing to have to suffer with. It must be very distressing.

I wish you my best wishes with getting over such thoughts, and returning to normal. 

[mdross95]

Please bare with me, my mind is such a mess right now and my thoughts are so jumbled. I'll try to make as much sense as possible.

The last few days have been some of the worst OCD I've had yet in my 6 years of anxiety. It's a fear I've had before but I never let it get to me like this. I'm going day to day worried that I am becoming gay or am gay. I'm completely obsessed about my sexual orientation and whether or not I am gay, it's awful. It's the most uncomforatable, disturbing feeling. I am so confused from all the over-thinking and obsessing that nothing makes sense anymore and the worry just gets more and more silly but makes everything worse at the same time.

Let me say that I've always been interested in women, I've never had any interest in men sexually or in any other way other than friendship. Now that I am obsessing now though, my brain is telling me otherwise. The thoughts feel so real and so convincing that it's making me literally confused. I am going minute by minute with these insane, intrusive, disturbing thoughts about everything related to being gay. The thoughts make me doubt myself, it makes me question my sexuality.

It's getting as far as to me questioning how I talk, things I say, how I say it, the music I'm listening to. Anytime I see males I get insanely anxious. The over thinking and intrusive thoughts are taking a massive toll on me. I'm going as far as doing things to help convince myself I am straight, to further re-assure myself. It just isn't helping.

What I *hope* is happening is that I am getting over most of my other health anxiety I've had and now my brain is for some reason going back through old worries and now making them stick, almost to replace the intense obsession of my other fears.

I'm scared, confused.. I tell myself OVER AND OVER that I am straight, I can't imagine having any kind of intimate or sexual relationship with a man but my anxiety instantly kicks in and makes me second guess and doubt myself. The other half of me is there fighting it off, re-assuring myself I am straight and that I like women, I want a relationship with a woman, etc, etc, but it's not strong enough to eliminate the problem.

Is this an anxious phase that should pass? I am so scared. This is such a STUPID worry to have. I can't take the obsessing and the thoughts and images anymore. I can't watch TV without thinking about it, hang around friends, anything that could potentially make it worse I try to avoid..

Sorry this is so long.. this isn't something I can share with family or friends.. I am far too emberassed right now. I want this to end. I'd much rather be obsessing about my physical health (as bad as that sounds)

Here's a technique that helps me out with really specific worries like you have. I imagine the thought as just an object, let's say a cube. The cube consists of nothing but the physical thought, in your case it would be "What if I turn gay." In my case, I'm like what the hell, who cares, that's ridiculous and irrational (don't worry though, I have my own irrational scary thoughts too)  . But in YOUR case, your anxiety has latched onto that thought. The anxiety, let's say, is a huge banner that is now attached the cube.  The banner consists of all the branching thoughts and worries about the root thought "What if I'm gay." Now, what you need to do, is SEPARATE the banner that's the anxiety, second guessing etc. from the cube that's the thought "What if I'm gay?" Think about it- is it really the thought of turning gay that is upsetting you? Or is it the blast of anxiety, worrying, etc. that comes WITH the thought? It doesn't really matter what you think, you just have to learn to separate thoughts and view them just as what they are: thoughts. The anxiety that's attached to certain thoughts is the problem, not the thoughts themselves.

[mellabella]

Its not at all stupid, and don't go belittling yourself because you are having strange thoughts. It is really easy to become obsessed with a line of thinking. It starts as an odd thought based on something that was said or seen, and the next thing you know you can't get it out of your head. Consider what you are concerned with. Is it becoming "gay", or is it the idea that other people might think you are based on what you say or how you dress? Either way, you have to realize that this thought is just that, a thought. It can't hurt you, and if you remind yourself that it is just anxiety and it will pass then that thought won't define you.

[Icarus]

Well if you want to hear something that will make you feel better I will tell you this. I am gay. I have been gay all my life. Even as a kid I had gay thoughts and feelings. Now I am a grown man in a long tern gay relationship. When anxiety hit me hard I started to have a fear that I was becoming straight. I would obsesses constantly that I was going to start liking women.  I would avoid all contact with women and images on t.v. It became a really big deal. Constantly I would think that I was going to have sexual thoughts about women. Then it hit me. I have never had a single sexual thought about women in my life. I am gay and nothing is going to change that. People just don't change their sexual orientation.  Soon it occurred to me that this was another genius way that anxiety was trying to get to me. I say it a lot that anxiety is like a dragon that lives inside you. It lives on your fear. When you feed it your fear it grows stronger. When you start to ignore it and even laugh at it, it begins to shrink and eventually goes away. I really don't think that you have to worry about being gay, just as I don't have to worry about being straight. We are just two people with a stupid anxiety problem. A problem that we both have the power to cure. Don't believe the lies that anxiety tells you. Don't give into the fear. If anxiety tells you that you are going gay, just laugh at it and think, well wouldn't that be funny. Being a gay man myself it was easy for me to do a "am I going straight checklist" You could do the same and just change the girls to guys. Here was mine  1. Do I think of girls in a sexual way? No    2. Do I ever have fantasies about girls? NO      3. Do I have a desire to have sex with a women? NO      and finally does seeing a naked women arouse me? NO.  Soon I realized that I was just being silly and it eventually went away.

Hope this helps,

Icarus   

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

I have gone through the exact same thing before. When I was 15, I was molested by a much older male neighbor. For years after that I had trouble being around older men, and constantly questioned my sexuality. For nearly a year before he did this, he tried to convince me that I was homosexual; however, I always shrugged it off as just an old man being weird. It was sad that my first sexual encounter was with an older man and was not consensual. I was pretty screwed up, and I sometimes STILL deal with that (8 years later).

What I am trying to say is that I went through something very traumatic. I was sure I was "gay" after this. In essence, I could argue that I "had" had a sexual encounter with a man. HOWEVER, this did NOT mean I was homosexual. I knew who I was on the inside. You know who you are, but it takes time to come to peace with these other thoughts. These thoughts (and in my case the actions of others) cannot make you something you are NOT. 

(Disclaimer: I am in NO WAY saying that being homosexual is wrong. It is just not who I am, but I am TOTALLY fine with other people being this way.)

[ary]

Well, that's a difficult topic.

I'm homosexual myself, and always felt like that since I was 11/12 years old (I was never molested). For me it donīt cause any stress or anxious feelings, but I can totally understand you.

First of all, don't worry. Sexuality isn't something so simple. If you NOW feel (or maybe THINK you feel) sexually attracted by other men, that doesn't mean you'll ever have a homosexual relationship.

Actually, it doesn't mean you're gay, neither bisexual. It just means you felt or think you felt attracted by a man, and now this experience is haunting you.

Examine reality as it is. There are two possibilities:

1) Maybe it's just something that won't be part of your sexual orientation. It REALLY CAN be just a impression. Sometimes we're so worried of being something that the mind play tricks and confuse fears with feelings;

2) Maybe you're bisexual. It doesn't mean anything more than this. You can date women, have a wife, and love her and be loyal to her, raise kids, etc.

Both possibilities won't do you any harm. Just don't worry: if you aren't bissexual, use this opportunity to think of people who deal with their sexual orientation, and learn to tolerate them :)
If you're bisexual, well... in my opinion that's not something to worry about It won't make you less "man" than you actually are, that won't make women feel less attracted by you, that won't make you a worst husband, father, whatever you are or may be in your entire life.

[winduptoy]

Just wanted to let you know that this sounds very much like a form of your OCD playing up. I know of a person who has had this exact same fear/worry and he is a married straight man with OCD. Just know that it's your thoughts playing havoc with you and that if you focus on other things, in time it will pass just like any other worry.

[dark_inferno_22]

I'm not sure if this will come as any help, but let's see. I've had friends who have said, they are attracted to like Brad Pitt or Sean Phillipe or what not. They're dating women (some of them married), but it was just a man-crush as they call it. It didn't mean they were gay at all. Sometimes you can have feelings for someone, same gender, opposite gender - and it can be just a likeness of certain physical, mental, or even emotional properties they have.

We're all human, humans can be straight, gay or somewhere in between on the Kinsey Scale. You can look at another guy and say, he looks good, or he's handsome, or heck even, he's hot, and it just be nothing more than a thought. I've found myself saying things about women, like she looks good, or she's cute, I'm gay and it doesn't mean anything more than she has a certain flow about her that makes her look good.

You're okay, and we're here to help you out. I just let the thoughts come in and out, that way I can analyze and understand better why I think the way I do.

[Thorny Rose]

I just found this thread via Google and it makes me feel a lot calmer knowing that I'm not the only person who has gone through this similar feeling. It's what I'm going through currently and it's driving me batty.

It's great to read views from people of all sexual orientations and gives me a little peace of mind to be honest.

I'm 25, a female and as far as I can remember I've always felt straight. The problem starter was that I was molested by a girl when I was a kid and that has really given me a tough time dealing with sexuality in general. I was also physically abused by a parent and dealing with letting people in, let alone touch me has been a constant struggle through out my life.

In September I met someone who broke through my walls and I've been having a great time with so far. I'm letting myself get to know another person mentally and physically and my body had been responding very well, especially sexually. I definitely can understand a sexual craving and him being the main reason for them.

As someone who has never had a sexual experience until now, and who was bullied as a teen for never being with a guy.. constantly being made fun of, and then being called a lesbian to boot I'm having anxiety attacks based on my own mind going to those places.

Things I know: I've always been sexually attracted to men. Being bisexual has never been something I thought was wrong, I figured since my early experience that it was just something I'd have to get used to.

Now that I'm having sex though I think I somehow triggered my anxiety, since it's been quelled for quite sometime, and I haven't had it in such full force in quite a while. I've been getting anxious around women, but still don't find a pull to them sexually. I'm not fantasizing about women. Only the words "gay" and "lesbian" seem to be plaguing me.

In the past I have watched pornographic videos with female/female male/male male/female, etc. and was perfectly okay with it.

I need to find ways to help myself cope with this inner turmoil! It's keeping me up at night, it's impeding on my ability to have a good time with my boyfriend, and it's impeding on my concentration at school and work.

[ssspt]

Please bare with me, my mind is such a mess right now and my thoughts are so jumbled. I'll try to make as much sense as possible.

The last few days have been some of the worst OCD I've had yet in my 6 years of anxiety. It's a fear I've had before but I never let it get to me like this. I'm going day to day worried that I am becoming gay or am gay. I'm completely obsessed about my sexual orientation and whether or not I am gay, it's awful. It's the most uncomforatable, disturbing feeling. I am so confused from all the over-thinking and obsessing that nothing makes sense anymore and the worry just gets more and more silly but makes everything worse at the same time.

Let me say that I've always been interested in women, I've never had any interest in men sexually or in any other way other than friendship. Now that I am obsessing now though, my brain is telling me otherwise. The thoughts feel so real and so convincing that it's making me literally confused. I am going minute by minute with these insane, intrusive, disturbing thoughts about everything related to being gay. The thoughts make me doubt myself, it makes me question my sexuality.

It's getting as far as to me questioning how I talk, things I say, how I say it, the music I'm listening to. Anytime I see males I get insanely anxious. The over thinking and intrusive thoughts are taking a massive toll on me. I'm going as far as doing things to help convince myself I am straight, to further re-assure myself. It just isn't helping.

What I *hope* is happening is that I am getting over most of my other health anxiety I've had and now my brain is for some reason going back through old worries and now making them stick, almost to replace the intense obsession of my other fears.

I'm scared, confused.. I tell myself OVER AND OVER that I am straight, I can't imagine having any kind of intimate or sexual relationship with a man but my anxiety instantly kicks in and makes me second guess and doubt myself. The other half of me is there fighting it off, re-assuring myself I am straight and that I like women, I want a relationship with a woman, etc, etc, but it's not strong enough to eliminate the problem.

Is this an anxious phase that should pass? I am so scared. This is such a STUPID worry to have. I can't take the obsessing and the thoughts and images anymore. I can't watch TV without thinking about it, hang around friends, anything that could potentially make it worse I try to avoid..

Sorry this is so long.. this isn't something I can share with family or friends.. I am far too emberassed right now. I want this to end. I'd much rather be obsessing about my physical health (as bad as that sounds)

   I am wondering how this issue turned out for you or for anyone else who has experienced a similar issue?

[ANT_79]

Yes, I had a similar issue. Right around the  time I turned 21 I a good looking guy at a baseball game. Again, I had never had gay thoughts or fantasies but because I thought this guy was good looking (for a dude) I must be gay. I then saw a movie "Summer of Sam" that had a character dancing in a gay porn theatre, which triggered all types of anxious thoughts for me. Again , never thought about guys, had been with women all my life, but in my mind I was gay and that was the worst thing that could happen to me. What would family or friends say?


I snapped out of it, and recently fell back into some anxiety related to a relocation, which brought me to this site. Know that you are not alone.

[oritherio]

Thank God i found this post! For last two or weeks I am going thorough an almost exact same phase where I woke-up everyday with a fear turning homosexual. I am 24 years old and never I have had any attraction towards other men. Good now I know what to do, just to avoid it!

[tinam7]

How did I miss this thread? So I tried to reread it now but seem to fail to understand the various positions.

Why? Because my experience has been that as a hetero it never occurred to me to be anyone else. And gays I know, tell me they knew they were gay from a young age. Because of society's attitudes and bias, confusions and repressions happen to gays, is what I believe.

[GenSec]

Maybe you're bisexual. It doesn't mean anything more than this. You can date women, have a wife, and love her and be loyal to her, raise kids, etc.

If you're bisexual, well... in my opinion that's not something to worry about. It won't make you less "man" than you actually are, that won't make women feel less attracted by you, that won't make you a worst husband, father, whatever you are or may be in your entire life.

This is a very valid observation. As a bisexual man myself, i have always been attracted to both men and women. Sometimes people try to pigeonhole me in a box by saying i am "really a repressed gay" or "just an insecure straight", but i know what i've always been. It used to make me insecure when people would come along and try to judge me as either gay or straight (and try to get me to agree with them in their strict black and white interpretation of human sexuality). In fact, as a child i always believed it was normal to be attracted to individuals from both sexes; it was only when we learned about intercourse and relationships at school that it dawned on me that i was not quite "normal". Thats when my own insecurities began for many years... i cannot say my family environment helped much neither.

I come across women that i find myself really am physically attracted to, and the same goes for some guys i see. Its been a journey learning to accept myself - all of myself. I am a guy but if i see a guy i find attractive i don't try and repress my feelings. Those feelings do not undermine the feelings i have for women: in other words, they are not mutually exclusive. I may one day end up in a long term relationship with a guy, or a lady... fate will decide. Really, i don't mind. But i am not going to deny my feelings for someone whether they be male or female.

Seriously, my advice to those with mere sexuality concerns/insecurities is that the best thing you can do is accept yourself - whether you be gay, straight or bisexual - and things will be alot easier for you. Only acceptance of yourself are can free you from your insecurity. If you are straight, then just accept it; gay,then just accept it; bisexual, then just accept it. Its how you've always been. Why worry about something you cannot change? You don't just wake up one day in your 20's and realise you fancy people of the same gender - like Icarus i was aware, arguably, before i was even in my teens what my feelings were. It didn't just hit me one day causing me to all of a sudden doubt myself. I grew up with it as a part of who i always was.

And for a man to think that another man is handsome is not gay: same thing for the ladies of course, but most of them seem comfortable already knowing that.

Regards,
Gen.

[Alex1234]

Well if you want to hear something that will make you feel better I will tell you this. I am gay. I have been gay all my life. Even as a kid I had gay thoughts and feelings. Now I am a grown man in a long tern gay relationship. When anxiety hit me hard I started to have a fear that I was becoming straight. I would obsesses constantly that I was going to start liking women.  I would avoid all contact with women and images on t.v. It became a really big deal. Constantly I would think that I was going to have sexual thoughts about women. Then it hit me. I have never had a single sexual thought about women in my life. I am gay and nothing is going to change that. People just don't change their sexual orientation.  Soon it occurred to me that this was another genius way that anxiety was trying to get to me. I say it a lot that anxiety is like a dragon that lives inside you. It lives on your fear. When you feed it your fear it grows stronger. When you start to ignore it and even laugh at it, it begins to shrink and eventually goes away. I really don't think that you have to worry about being gay, just as I don't have to worry about being straight. We are just two people with a stupid anxiety problem. A problem that we both have the power to cure. Don't believe the lies that anxiety tells you. Don't give into the fear. If anxiety tells you that you are going gay, just laugh at it and think, well wouldn't that be funny. Being a gay man myself it was easy for me to do a "am I going straight checklist" You could do the same and just change the girls to guys. Here was mine  1. Do I think of girls in a sexual way? No    2. Do I ever have fantasies about girls? NO      3. Do I have a desire to have sex with a women? NO      and finally does seeing a naked women arouse me? NO.  Soon I realized that I was just being silly and it eventually went away.

Hope this helps,

Icarus   

Can you please help me i've going going through this and i have never thoughts with other men but but i think anxiety is getting to me by putting them and its just disturbing and i hate it. does anxiety do that?

[greenzebra]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. /: I went through the same thing in middle school, but at the time I was kind of homophobic (I'm still ashamed I was once like that...I was just a narrow-minded kid who wasn't exposed to much), so I feared that I might be subconsciously gay. I've never been truly attracted to girls, so I don't know why I had that fear, but for whatever reason it was there. It went away once I was more open minded and realized that even if I was, there's nothing wrong with it. (: You should be attracted to/love whoever you want, don't let the fear of a label worry you. (:

[wasupnick]

You must realize that the thought is just that, a thought. All you can do is control how you respond to it. You must realize that thoughts go on inside your head, and that's as far as a thought extends. An action is born out of a thought. Control your actions, and you dont have to worry about your thoughts-unless you're doing it on purpose of course. But your not doing this on purpose because you care about going gay. You would hate for all of this to come true. Therefore, if you just do something against going gay, you will not go gay.

[TylerFG]

I just made a thread about this same exact topic before looking at this thread, and it has calmed my nerves. I've had these thoughts for over a month now, and they have really been destroying my thought. I would never become gay, and I've been fearing it for a while, even though I am in no way homophobic. But the reason it's killing me is because there is a girl I happen to have strong feelings for, and these thoughts are getting in the way, (Like if I think about her, the thoughts automatically come back.) and it really worried me because I really wouldn't want to stop loving her, and she's one of my closest friends. But thanks to you guys, I feel like I don't have much to worry about anymore. Thanks. :)

[@liverpoolfc.com]

I have had a few problems over recet months just needed some advice if anybody could help! I am 28 an have een with my newly fiancee for over 4.5 yrs now, it was around nov i went out on a works night out got really really drink alot worse than i have ever been and as a joke i threw the lips on a lad who works with me as a joke he has done it to me and others inthe past an always laugh an joke never no issue! But since then worry has entered my mind (i am 1 of lifes worriers)! Thinkin that i cud be gay! I have never had this issue b4 in my life and before this my relationship was brilliant with my fiancee, so all of a sudden am not eatin,sleepin cannot concentrate nausea the runs all becoz i am terrified!. So i go to see 2 doctors an they say i have got anxiety! And that the whole thing i am worrying about is not a issue!. I do believe that and i do believe i have terrifoed my self so much and worried on and off for a couple months now, any ideas?

[@liverpoolfc.com]

Like in the post up above i myself have had this problem! I have my good and bad days! But i was interested to no if anybody else has been going through this? Its a horriable thing anxiety and something up until the doctor mentioned i knew nothing about!

[Cheesus]

The links in this thread might help, particularly the first one:

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,53901.0.html

[Odyssey]

Let me say that I've always been interested in women, I've never had any interest in men sexually or in any other way other than friendship.

There lies the truth.

This is pretty common. It's obvious that you're not gay, and I can assure you that you will not "turn" gay. Perhaps you could try exposure therapy: look at erotic pictures of men, and when you realise that you feel no sexual desire for them, you can move on. You may need to try it a few times to reassure yourself, but I guarantee you that you'll get past this.

[@liverpoolfc.com]

Odyssey thats good advice, i am going thru same type of thing at the moment and it is destroying my relationship with my fiancee! A friend mentioned that exposure thing but i dont feel i need to do that! Its been on and off since nov now good weeks an bad weeks just wish it would be over