Please bare with me, my mind is such a mess right now and my thoughts are so jumbled. I'll try to make as much sense as possible.
The last few days have been some of the worst OCD I've had yet in my 6 years of anxiety. It's a fear I've had before but I never let it get to me like this. I'm going day to day worried that I am becoming gay or am gay. I'm completely obsessed about my sexual orientation and whether or not I am gay, it's awful. It's the most uncomforatable, disturbing feeling. I am so confused from all the over-thinking and obsessing that nothing makes sense anymore and the worry just gets more and more silly but makes everything worse at the same time.
Let me say that I've always been interested in women, I've never had any interest in men sexually or in any other way other than friendship. Now that I am obsessing now though, my brain is telling me otherwise. The thoughts feel so real and so convincing that it's making me literally confused. I am going minute by minute with these insane, intrusive, disturbing thoughts about everything related to being gay. The thoughts make me doubt myself, it makes me question my sexuality.
It's getting as far as to me questioning how I talk, things I say, how I say it, the music I'm listening to. Anytime I see males I get insanely anxious. The over thinking and intrusive thoughts are taking a massive toll on me. I'm going as far as doing things to help convince myself I am straight, to further re-assure myself. It just isn't helping.
What I *hope* is happening is that I am getting over most of my other health anxiety I've had and now my brain is for some reason going back through old worries and now making them stick, almost to replace the intense obsession of my other fears.
I'm scared, confused.. I tell myself OVER AND OVER that I am straight, I can't imagine having any kind of intimate or sexual relationship with a man but my anxiety instantly kicks in and makes me second guess and doubt myself. The other half of me is there fighting it off, re-assuring myself I am straight and that I like women, I want a relationship with a woman, etc, etc, but it's not strong enough to eliminate the problem.
Is this an anxious phase that should pass? I am so scared. This is such a STUPID worry to have. I can't take the obsessing and the thoughts and images anymore. I can't watch TV without thinking about it, hang around friends, anything that could potentially make it worse I try to avoid..
Sorry this is so long.. this isn't something I can share with family or friends.. I am far too emberassed right now. I want this to end. I'd much rather be obsessing about my physical health (as bad as that sounds)