Newbie diagnosed with GAD

[anxintx]

Hello all, I am a 32 year old male.  I have been visiting these forums for a while now and I decided to join and jump in on the conversation.  I was "diagnosed" with GAD about a year ago by a psychologist (PhD).  During this past year I had been going to him and working on CBT for my anxiety.  I felt like for a while I was really making progress.  However, now I almost feel that I have hit a wall.  I also, have a doctorate level education, but currently in my life I feel more like a 2nd grader (no offense to any 2nd graders out there  ). 

What sent me to the psychologist (and my internal medicine doctor) in the first place was that I had hit a real low place in my life.  I think I was surely both depressed and very anxious.  I was absolutely certain that I was about to go crazy and end up in a mental institution.  I could sit and rationalize the fact that truly crazy people don't think about being crazy, but that didn't matter, I was sure that I was the first. 

This may be the wrong forum, but for most of my adult life (age 20+), I have been afraid that I have some horrible neurological disease.  My muscles have twitched, my fingers, hands, arms, and feet have tingled.  I had various areas of numbness that would come and go.  My legs and arms would feel tired and heavy, etc., etc..  I just knew that I had MS, ALS, and lately Lyme disease.  I have been to GP, internal med docs, neurologists, and cardiologists.  I have had MRI's, CT's, Stress Tests, etc..  Guess what, they were all clean.   

I guess I have anxiety (that is what they tell me).  That is just hard for me to swallow.  Why GAD, well, I don't just worry about myself having a disease.  I also worry about my family getting sick (once my wife had a spot on her face.  I thought it was certainly sqamous cell carcinoma.  It turned out to be a zit), if I will find a parking spot when I go downtown, and am pretty much overwhelmed by the daily tasks of life.  I am a very pessimistic perfectionist and very, very hard on myself.  I have pushed myself to succeed and I have done very well in the eyes of the world.  However, my brain is a mess.  Starting around that time a year ago things just became drastically worse.  I felt a low-grade panic all of the time.  I was always edgy and could not relax at all.  I felt like I couldn't read anymore and that I couldn't talk without making numerous speaking mistakes (wrong words, no words, thinking real hard for the right word, etc...).  After several months of meds (none now) and CBT I was better, but I feel like I have truly hit a plateau.  I think for me CBT is the way to go, but I really struggle with it.  I took several SSRI's and none seemed to do any good for me.

My current "issues" come and go, but are with me most of the time.  I definitely have the dreaded "brain fog".  My biggest problem is that I really need to think and problem solve for my job.  I have to really on my memory a lot and I feel like I can't remember anything anymore.  I feel completely inept and stupid.  I often feel like my thoughts are racing around aimlessly.  The harder I try to concentrate on one particular thing, the more it appears to allude me.  This in turn causes me to panic more and a vicious cycle starts.  I am nearly convinced that something electrically/neurologically is permanently screwed up in my brain.     

I am just so very tired of this.  I am saddened by it all.  It is hurting my marriage and it really is preventing me from enjoying life.  I have a 4 month old daughter and I really want to enjoy being with her, but my mind will not let me.  I use to be able to use mindfulness or distraction.  I use to be able to determine the odds and rationalize my fears, but now none of that seems to work as well.  I know I can beat this thing.  I want to beat it, but I need some opinions on how to better go about doing it.

Thanks for reading my long winded post. 

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

I recommend the book "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes.

There are also many good books on perfectionism, such as "The Spirituality of Imperfection" by Kurtz and Ketchum. If you go to amazon.com and search for books on perfectionism, you will find other good books too. Such as "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good," and "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go Of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are."

[anxintx]

I just want to feel like there is some hope out there.  I know many have been struggling with this stuff for much longer than I have, but I want to know that it is possible to beat this thing.  It has been really bad for a little over a year now nearly non-stop.  As I said in my first post, I have tried meds and CBT with a psychologist that I liked and respected.  Even with all of that, I don't feel much, if any, better.  Sure, I have a good day or half day here and there and I am very thankful for those, but I want to feel free of this mental burden.  Some one please tell me there is hope for the future.

[dark_inferno_22]

There is hope yet! Never give in or give up. I have posted on here cause I'm struggling with my symptoms but I've heard and read of others beating this. You are a strong person, reading others' posts and that I really don't blame myself for the things I used to. It's all due to anxiety and it happens and it's hard to deal with sometimes.

One specific instance I read that I feel I can relate to is I feel like I'm withdrawn from my niece and she constantly asks me to play with her, and I do once in a while, but other times I just feel like I can't. I used to blame myself for not wanting to, but when I would play I'd have anxiety attacks , but never connected anxiety to it.

From the posts I've read and the others I've seen on the forum board (granted I'm new, just signed on here about a day or two ago, but I've read a few posts and that) it's a strong community that is supportive. I feel like I can speak for everyone when I say: We're here for you.

Thank you for posting. =D

[SuperJew26]

That is like a carbon copy of my life....  *sigh* ..I was labeled as OCD
This is something you have to work on everyday.....I am not going to lie...it is not easy..but if you work hard at it..it will get better...

-sj

[GreenThumb]

First and foremost, there IS hope of getting better.

I wouldn't exactly use the words "beat this anxiety" though. That was part of my problem early on - I wanted to beat it, to conquer it, to get it out of my life and forget about it. As the years have gone by, one of the most important things I have realized is that for those of us who have anxiety, it will never completely go away. It has (likely) been there our whole life, and will always be a part of our lives. The key to getting better is ACCEPTANCE. For years I struggled with the seeming lack of control I had over my mind and body - I refused to accept the fact that it was all being caused just by anxiety. I had all of the symptoms you describe - brain fog, twitches, tingly muscles, fatigue, the whole bit.

It sounds like you have taken all the right steps to try and heal - the key is coming to peace with the fact that a) it is just anxiety, nothing else, b) you will have to learn how to walk side by side with anxiety your whole life; it will never truly be gone, and c) FEAR is the root of all anxiety. This may sound discouraging, but once you find yourself coming to terms with these ideas, you should start to notice that you have less fear of the anxiety itself, and consequently are starting to feel better.

It will take time, but trust me, it is very possible to get back to a happy, functional place in your life again. I struggled for several years, hit rock bottom last year this time, but started taking medication and coming to grips with the reality of anxiety - now I can say that I am happy and pretty much like my old self. Not that I don't have days or weeks where it's hard, but I have much less fear of the anxiety, which keeps me from spiraling like I did previously.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this struggle, I know, it's so hard. Hang in there, keep trying different meds until you find one that works better for you - maybe even work with a psychiatrist on that part since they are more knowledgeable about this area. No matter how bad of a day you have, remember, there is hope - you are motivated and intelligent, you will get there!

[waitohyeahwait]

The brain fog and concentration hit home for me. I often go into rooms and forget what I needed, to going into the bathroom to get something out of the fridge. My mind will also think faster than it can process. I will say something but think I didn't, or will not say something and think I did. I totally get it!

[katie loo]

pm me anytime i know exactly how you feel x

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

"I am a very pessimistic perfectionist and very, very hard on myself.  I have pushed myself to succeed and I have done very well in the eyes of the world.  However, my brain is a mess"

I have been this way for much of my life. This semester in college, I totally burned myself out trying to be perfect. What I learned real fast is that NO ONE is perfect. Humans are, unfortunately, imperfect creatures. No one is good at everything. If we try to be, we will certainly fail. People have always thought I was the pillar of greatness, but I too suffer from mental illness caused by my high expectations. I look good on the outside (awards, clothes, etc), but I am a barren mess on the inside.

This time, I hope to return to school (and life) seeking out excellence, but NOT perfection. It is fine to try to be good at things, but we cannot and should not try to be perfect. I posted a good website on here a while ago about perfectionism. The thread was started by me and had "perfectionism" in the title.

[anxintx]

Thanks for all of the comments.

 I am really trying my best with all of this.  Having a positive attitude about life and myself and accepting that everything is due to severe anxiety seem to be the the most difficult things for me to do.  Everytime I think I may be rounding the corner or that it is going to be a great day something will happen (i.e. heart palpitations, slight dizzy spell, brain fog, speaking mistake, etc......) and I will crash back down to what I consider to be my "reality".  I struggle so much with letting my thoughts and feelings rule my actions.  If I am in a bad mood then by-golly everyone around me will know about it and they need to be in a bad mood as well.  This is not conducive to a healthy marriage (I know this from personal experience).  My wife is supportive, but at times I feel that she still thinks this is something that I should just "snap out of".  She just doesn't quite understand the depth of my despair. 

I talk about myself and my problems constantly.  Even I will admit that I talk about them too much, but they are all consuming and are pretty much all I think about all day long.  It is this thought pattern that is the hardest thing for me to break.  I feel like talking about it with her will make things better, but in actuality it just makes things worse because she gets frustrated by the fact that we can not and have not had a "real" conversation in years, a conversation in which I don't tell her about the latest thing that is bothering me.  However, I also feel that if I do not talk about these feelings to someone, then they are going to eat away at me and it drives me deeper into the anxiety-induced despair.  Any suggestions on how to break this cycle? 

Lastly, we recently moved and I have been reluctant to try and find a new doctor and psych.  I really liked my primary care physician and psychologist where we previously lived.  I know I need to buck up and find some new doctors, but the process to finding a good doctor can be exhausting in itself.  Wish me luck.