about bi polar, confused and thinking.

[Juliemichelle]

I decided I never wanted to have children either because I know I would go crazy and , well this is taking a lot of force for me to say it, but i don't think i'd be good because i would control them..
i like being in control
i get mad when people are doing something wrong, or their way, it has to be my way
and i hate life and the world so much and so many other things i wouldn't want a child to see all of it
sounds messed up but yeah .
i also hate children because they're loud , obnoxious and i don't care for them

[GenSec]

I decided I never wanted to have children either because I know I would go crazy and , well this is taking a lot of force for me to say it, but i don't think i'd be good because i would control them..
i like being in control
i get mad when people are doing something wrong, or their way, it has to be my way
and i hate life and the world so much and so many other things i wouldn't want a child to see all of it
sounds messed up but yeah .
i also hate children because they're loud , obnoxious and i don't care for them

Hi juliemichelle,

I have never had a great attachment to children, and i remember for a time i was sitting in a school classroom for a week or two because i thought about training to be a teacher, and i thought "God kids are just loud and awful?! Where is the sweetness?!"  Naturally, i decided not to become a teacher!

I admit i am quite controlling person in many ways too. If i had children of my own, yes i would be controlling. But thats because i would love my child, care about them and wish to protect them from the same mishaps and mistakes i myself made. I also feel that your heart would be in the right place, very much so. 

The world can seem like a horrible, sad and depressing place i admit that.... that also puts me off of having kids, i often think our world is so messed up that i don't want any kid of mine that i love to endure what i endured.

But i know that me - and you - would do our damn best to make sure any kids we ever had would be safe, secure, and not suffer many of the sad things we have had to face in life. And that is what i truly good parent does. 

All the best.

[Juliemichelle]

I admit i am quite controlling person in many ways too. If i had children of my own, yes i would be controlling. But thats because i would love my child, care about them and wish to protect them from the same mishaps and mistakes i myself made. I also feel that your heart would be in the right place, very much so. 

see the thing is..
i would control them because i would want them to be like me.
or something ?
i don't know. i don't know if this makes sense
and yes this is going to sound harsh, but another reason why i don't want kids is because
i want everything best for me, not for anyone else
i would be very jealous of my own kids
and this kills me because i do think this way and i know it's not right but it's how i want and can only think
i don't want someone else to have something better then me
i want the best for me ..
this is killing me , i've never told ANYONE that in my life .
ugh ..

[melandgracie]

I was like you my whole life until two months ago after having my jobs, freinds, family, lose of boyfreinds, finally i went and got diagnosies with biploar.   its like having high blood pressure, you get medicine and learn about it................trust me the older  you get it can get worse. you are having rapid cycle mania, hyper dancing singing and then a bad mood right after...........medicine will do you wonders!

[Juliemichelle]

it's just getting really hard
not just the moods, other things due to these moods.

[Owen Meany]

Hey, Julie. Did you get a diagnosis from the doctor?  I have bi-polar II which it sounds like you might have. If so, there are medications that can make a BIG difference like Lamictal and Lithium.  Is your doctor considering any of these?

Congratulations on talking to your mom and getting help. This doesn't have to be a big deal at all once you get it under control.

I wouldn't worry too much about the kid thing. Other people's kids are loud, obnoxious, dirty, etc., etc. to most single people. Some day you may decide to have your own or you may not.

If you've got any questions about BPD, shoot me a message.  I'll answer them if I can.  All the best.  Ed

[Juliemichelle]

never got a diagnosis from the doctor.
my mom had brought me to the doctor,
she just says its hormones
yeah okay so i never knew hormones can make you feel like killing your self etc.
but what ever
i don't even care anymore
she was supposed to bring me back about a month ago
but she never did, i`m just done

[Owen Meany]

Julie, I think it's natural for all of us to "want to die" at different times of our lives -- sounds like you've got a lot of stress on you and this may be what you're going through.  But if you find yourself seriously thinking about killing yourself, especially making specific plans to do it, please tell your mother.  From my own experience, it has seemed like the right thing to do, then 2-3 weeks later I'm happy again and saying "thank God I didn't act on that".

I hope your doctor is right that it's hormones, because that should balance out on its own.  But if you think these mood swings might be a more serious depression or bi-polar, trust yourself.  Only you know what's happening with your brain and your body.  A great thing to do is to chart your moods every day to see if there's a pattern.  Also, write down what you're feeling and doing when you're manic/up.  A key symptom of bipolar is that you feel invincible when you're manic -- talk a lot, sleep little, feel like you can do anything, hyper-sexual, impulse shopping, irritated that other people can't keep up with you or doubt you, etc.

Good luck to you.

Ed

[Juliemichelle]

my mom got me to go back to the doctor,
they're putting me on citalopram and i'm going to have to start seeing a psychologist
thanks to all who have replied here :) .