about bi polar, confused and thinking.

[Juliemichelle]

Alright,
So recently, I`ve noticed a few things about myself,
I did research on the symptoms and most of the things, like 94% of the things,
were like as if it was explaining exactly me,
all those online quiz's, yes i know they`re not accurate and stuff, but they all suggested i may be bi polar
and over the summer, i found out i have bad anxiety and i have depersonalization , but i`m dealing with that, it just sucks, but like, even my friends are noticing that i`m not really well,  " okay"
i don`t know why i`m even writing this, i`m just so confused :/.
like k, i could be wrong obviously, but apparently these are some symptoms , i removed the ones that i didn`t connect with .


Indications of manic episodes:
• I'm a very talkative person and I can utter a lot of words in a single minute.
• I am an extremely energetic person.
• I'm a compulsive shopper.
• I don't like to sleep.
• Family and friends have been telling me that I've been acting strange lately. I'm becoming a war freak, a loud talker and a very angry person.
• I feel sluggish most of the time.
• I can't concentrate on something for a long period of time.
• I feel like I'm the king of the world and I can do whatever I wish to do.

Indications of depression episodes :
• I don't get pleasure doing the things that I've always loved to do.
• I have trouble sleeping at night.
• I have many aches and pains from the past that just won't go away
• I lack focus.
• I'm a very absentminded person.
• Most of the time, I feel like eating something.(
• People and things around me make me angry
• I can't figure out why I feel disappointed and scared.
• I always feel gloomy.
• It's hard for me to get out of bed
• I feel as if my existence on earth has no meaning and nothing desirable is going to happen to me
• I hate myself.
Indications of Bipolar Disorder:
• The highs and lows in my mood alternately repeat as the day progresses.
• My mood swings cause me household and job problems.

i HATE talking about this to be honest, because I always feel like people are thinking I`m over reacting ,
i don`t really know what to say and why i even posted this, my fingers just kind of ended up doing it i guess, so comment what ever comes through your heads,
if someone took the time to read it ofcourse.

[Juliemichelle]

one of the things i must stop doing is going on the web and looking up things
i get obsessed with it and constantly do it
then when i`m at night i think about eveything going through my mind
and then my anxiety is always worst at that time and my heart beats faster then usual ( in general it beats faster then a normal heart beat)and my biggest fear is having a heart attack
so tehn i think of that then i get no sleep
even if i`m having a good night, i won`t have a good sleep, i`ll sometimes even have a full sleep but i`ll feel dead the next day and that`s not very good ?
also i have so much pain and i don`t know what`s wrong with me and i`m so paranoid about everything and i`m just so scared . very scared.
obviously it`s easy for you guys to say" its anxiety blah blah" YEAH well i can`t just say that, it`s just not right i don`t FEEL right . i never do.
even my principale is all like " wtf is wrong with you"

[Juliemichelle]

i jsut don`t get it.
i`m a young girl,.
i should not haveto worry about this and all the other things i worry about.
if you guys knew what i think about, for exemple, illuminati, is going to take over. new world order will start in 2010 and we will all have lil micro chips in us and money will value NOTHING.
more complicated stuff liek that and it drives me to the point were i find no point in life.

i just don`t know what to do, and wow. i actually am talking to myself right now. .

[popeye]

you need help.i am bipolar too.but manic manic .i take lithium which is the most popular med  for bipolar people.good luck. go  see a therapist

[Juliemichelle]

thing is, i don`t want to tell my mom.
cause during the summer, i saw a psychologist because of my depersonalization
and we only concentrated on that so i didn`t really talk about anything else
and i don`t want her to think i`m like just trying to waste money to feel "cool" by seeing a psychologist again , but i loved my psychologist , when i would see her
she made me feel so like, a normal little girl, and like i`d feel so safe.
i haven`t seen her since september because i don`t like talking to my parents about this because i`m scared they`re just going to laugh in my face and say
"it`s just anxiety calm down"
YEAH ok, yeah i guess they`re right, it is anxiety .
but i can`t keep living this way because i just can`t control myself !

[Grandma]

Julie - You MUST tell your parents.  This is not going to go away by itself.

If your parents don't take you seriously, talk to a school guidance counselor or social worker, your doctor, your minister, rabbi, or priest, the parent of a friend, a relative - someone who can explain to your parents how important it is that you see your psychologist again.

[Juliemichelle]

kk.
I will.
I`ll either tell my mom tomorrow, or monday I`ll go see my guidance counselor .
what if it`s not bi polar though, what if i just have all these problems of well i don`t know what ?
i`m just so confused like, ugh . i don`t even know what i`m trying to say .

[Grandma]

Julie - it doesn't matter whether you know the right diagnosis or not - the psychologist will know.  The important thing is that you see a mental health professional.  I'm glad that you have a plan to start that process in motion.

[Juliemichelle]

i just don`t want to look stupid ..
but i know like, i just don`t seem to be ok maybe? it's just an insane cycle i go through everyday and i really hate it .
& yeah, cause i`ve noticed this since like 2 months ago ( my behavior) but my anxiety/depersonalization started alll during summer, but i can control that cause all i do is deep breath
but i can't control my emotions .
i always end up in the office at school because of my emotions being so like everywhere.
so i think it's time i try and do something.

[shmoo]

I've had the same problem for some years. Still haven't been to a doctor for a consult or whatever they call it  So I can't talk about going and seeing the doc, though it's for the best, for both of us. I hope you have the courage to go and start on the road to recovery. Good luck <3

[Juliemichelle]

like k, i didn`t go see the consellor this week because i didn`t want too because i was to busy and i had to do other things..
but i don`t know if i want too, i just don`t want to believe and i just want these mixed up emotions to go away.

a lot of people call me an airhead, or to over joyed, i`m guessing that`s when i have really high mania episodes or what ever,
and i`ll say things i regret later on or after i say it and just keep talking and talking fast and like i`d be TO happy..
then i just go down hill and become depressed, i don`t talk i don`t care about anything and i just want to sleep .

today , i was with my mom and we were dancing and singing christmas songs in the kitchen with my mom and i love that and i was just like WOW lmao and i`d say random and repetitive things , so i was REALLY happy,
 and when i`m really happy, people notice it because well i`d say" omg i`m so happy right now i love life " and it`s just crazy because after i went to my FAVORITE mall with my mom and she lets me get what ever i want, and i started looking in the mall, in my favorites stores then i don`t even know what happen ?
i just stopped being happy,
and my mom noticed, she`s liek" are you mad?.."
and she just kept questioning me but i didn`t want to talk , i just i don`t even know !
nothing was even wrong..
i don`t get it, i can have what ever i want, do what ever i want,
but i still was so depressed, so after we left the mall, she kept saying things like" you didn`t see anything you wanted?" i said - no it`s ok
she even asked me if i wanted to go get an icecap at starbucks, many times, i just kept saying no it`s ok
and i love all of that and i don`t even know why i just said no
i was relieved to finally get in the car, and listen to music and just sit and do nothing.

i`m always like this and i just am starting to not being ableto take it anymore!


I remember a while back when I was 12 or maybe 13,
I remember telling myself,
"There`s no point to be happy, because when i`m happy, i`ll just be sad later on "

it`s like as if i`m either really happy, or just down .
i`ll sometimes be just like "what ever"
i don`t even know what to do with myself
like right now, lets just say i`m REALLY not happy .

[Grandma]

Julie - as I said before - this is not going to go away by itself!!!  You are smart enough and insightful enough to know this.  You choices are to continue to live this way or to ask for help.

Your behavior is confusing to your mother - I bet she will be relieved to know what is wrong and that it can be addressed with therapy and medication.  Give her, and yourself, the opportunity to begin to manage your mental health right away.

[Juliemichelle]

i know i know..
i`m just like, yeah i don`t know
i`ll talk to my mom or someone soon..
one question, how is bipolar caused ?

[shmoo]

A good first step would be to discuss things with your family so hopefully you will have that talk with your mother :)

And Bipolar disorder is rarely caused by anything specific. People have had Bipolar-like symptoms because of medications (often anti-depressants) but often when these meds are reduced or discontinued the manic and other Bipolar symptoms disappear. That' not to say that is the case every time. Some times these types of medication can bring on Bipolar symptoms because you already had a predisposition to the condition.

But Bipolar disorder is most commonly a genetic condition which means that it's not "caused" but will have been there from birth and has developed because of either stress and/or it was just the time in your life to develop it. It's not something you catch or something you can inflict on yourself (well maybe with the help of certain substance abuse it can make matters worse).

Anyway's, how are things at this moment? Are you considering going to see someone? It takes a lot to get up and go see someone about mental health issues in general  because of many reasons. But it is the very first step to acceptance and insight which will lead, in time to a better, more balanced life. I hope you find the courage to find out once and for all. Take it easy 

[popeye]

bi polar is caused by chemicals in the brain.nothing but meds canhelp balance out the mood wwings

[Juliemichelle]

See, the thing is, i`m pretty sure no one has it in my family ..
all i know is my mom has really bad anxiety  and so does my dad too
and i tried talking to my mom , this was on christmas, but it was so hard, i didn`t know what to say
but i`m going to try before school starts
because i just feel like i can`t really controle myself sometimes
i`ll get so happy like over joyed, to happy that it becomes bad, like last night
i was on webcam dancing with my bestfriend and people would of thought i was drugged up on cocaine
but i wasn`t lol, then maybe 30 minutes later, i was depressed
it just makes no sense,
like when i get happy, i`ll feel like i`m on drugs and when i get depressed i just feel dead .
idk.  im going to try before school starts :$

[Juliemichelle]

I FINALLY talked to my mom.
I it today.
It was so hard, everytime I tried before, I`d get scared and anxious
because it felt weird to admit it and discuss about it.

i told her everything, and she understands me.
i also learned that things like this runs in my family.
she`s getting me to keep a diary and say my moods and my sleep patterns
then i`m going to see a doctor .
i`m really happy i finally had the courage to do it.

[Juliemichelle]

I FINALLY talked to my mom.
I did it today.
It was so hard, everytime I tried before, I`d get scared and anxious
because it felt weird to admit it and discuss about it.

i told her everything, and she understands me.
i also learned that things like this runs in my family.
she`s getting me to keep a diary and say my moods and my sleep patterns
then i`m going to see a doctor .
i`m really happy i finally had the courage to do it.

[laa43]

good for you!!!!!!

[Grandma]

Julie, that is wonderful!!

Please continue to let us know what happens.

Love, Grandma

[Juliemichelle]

Sorry for posting twice-- I thought I didn`t do it the first time and did it again ! aha oops !

&& thanks so much (:.
I will continue.
It`s still pretty bad, but I feel better knowing my mom and I are going to try and solve this.
And if it`s not me being Bi polar,
my mom said we will get me some help to deal with my anxiety , like some sort of pills or something.
Because what ever is going on with me, is inter-fearing with my life.

[flchick2010]

Hi Julie, After reading this thread I was compelled to throw in my thoughts as I have been where you are, but did not get help until I was 52 years old. Part of it was my symptoms were not identified and part was because I never told anyone, I just figured I was different from everyone else and that was the way it was going to be, in other words it was as good as it was going to get. I wont bore you with the details but after 20 years of being treated for depression and anxiety, a wonderful therapist helped me see that bipolar was in the mix as well. While it took months to balance the medicines, it was a huge step for me.  It has now been a little over a year since I was diagnosed correctly and its been rough, lots of tears, frustration and heart to heart discussion with my parents. Yes even at my age, the dreaded feeling of disappointing my parents made if very difficult to open up. Since that time I have finally begun to realize my limits, my good qualities, and how precious life is. Please, if you haven't already, talk to someone...your Mom, your guidance counselor, but someone. Bipolar is one of those things that is very very difficult to handle without medicine, its impossible for me. As a young person I hope you take these suggestions mentioned in this thread and move forward with getting help, you have your whole life ahead of you and think of how nice it will be to move forward without all those racing thoughts and actions followed by despair and tears...it can be a lot better than that. But you have to take the step to help yourself by talking to someone, no one can take that step for you.  :)

[Juliemichelle]

thank you flchick :)
and yes, i`m actually seeing a doctor TOMORROW...
i`m actually very nervous and scared, why ? i don`t even know.
:l

[not so good]

Ther's nothing wrong with what your doing, at least I think.  I too go to the internet to look things up and I also read all the time.  It's like the doctors get mad at me for coming to them with this information.  They take the attitude that if I can look all this stuff up and be able to report on it then I'm too advanced to have any problems.  Well damn me for being raised and taught to be able to seek out information. 
See, I always knew I had more going on w/me medically than just having epilepsy.  Well when I was younger the only thing focused on was to get the seizures under control. 

I am so mad.  It's like nobody wants to help unless I physically look deformed, decrepit, or retarded.  I do take pride in my outward appearance, so I try to present the me forward.  Because of my education I do believe that I'm at the high end of the bipolar spectrum. 

I honestly, told my mother that I hate everything that has happened to me thus far in my life. 

It is because of my past experiences and what I'm currently experiencing, I have decided to not have any children.  Knowing how this world is and it's going to continue to get worse, why would I bring life in this world to rear it up to be a honest, God-fearing, loving citizen, but when that child goes out into the world it is, met w/others who can care less about doing unto others as they would want done unto them.  I wouldn't want any seed of mine to experience such pain.  Also, I am not a fan of pain, so I wouldn't inflict that upon myself. LOL   Pain is going to come into our lives whether we want it to or not, so I'm not trying to invite avoidable pain. 

I too write a lot, which I found out to be a common occurrence for people who have epilepsy.  It's called hypographia.  We tend to be compulsive writers.  It's also a good coping technique says my therapist.  I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, so when I write it down I can express myself freely w/out judgement. 

If you don't mind sharing, where do you live?  I like to attend different support groups related to depression, bipolar, epilepsy, and mental illness.  It helps to be around those who understand and can relate. 

Well, gotta get ready to go to class.  Hope to here from you soon.

Not so Good

[GenSec]

I am so mad.  It's like nobody wants to help unless I physically look deformed, decrepit, or retarded.  I do take pride in my outward appearance, so I try to present the me forward.  Because of my education I do believe that I'm at the high end of the bipolar spectrum. 

I honestly, told my mother that I hate everything that has happened to me thus far in my life. 

It is because of my past experiences and what I'm currently experiencing, I have decided to not have any children.  Knowing how this world is and it's going to continue to get worse, why would I bring life in this world to rear it up to be a honest, God-fearing, loving citizen, but when that child goes out into the world it is, met w/others who can care less about doing unto others as they would want done unto them.  I wouldn't want any seed of mine to experience such pain.  Also, I am not a fan of pain, so I wouldn't inflict that upon myself. LOL   Pain is going to come into our lives whether we want it to or not, so I'm not trying to invite avoidable pain. 

Oh my God..... not so good, you have written the same feelings i hold, but in a way i could never have worded it myself. 

Like yourself, i have also decided never to have children - for the exact same reasons you give. Sometimes, i felt i was crazy for holding these opinions.... i feel so relieved that i am not alone in holding them.

Like yourself, doctors used to struggle to believe there was anything wrong with me... because i still take pride in my appearance, i do not look how i feel inside.

I just wanted to let you know too - you are most definitely not alone in feeling how you feel. All the best to you.