So confused by my feelings towards relationships...

[Boom23]

I don't know why, but I feel like I am totally incomplete if I'm not in a relationship. I just turned 23, and I didn't really start dating until I was about 20 or 21 (which was a personal decision). In the past two or three years, I have dated a few guys, but I have only been in one really meaningful relationship. In that relationship, I (or rather, my anxiety) screwed things up; I always had thoughts that he was going to leave me, that he didn't really like me, negative stuff like that. After a long time, he got sick of it, and he broke up with me. Since then, I just feel like I can't be single. I feel anxious and really disconnected when I am single, which is new to me; like I said before, I used to want to be single.....now I just feel like I am not complete if I don't have somebody to share my life with. I don't understand myself: I feel like I have to be in a relationship, and then when I am, I just let my anxiety get the best of it. I get really anxious when I'm alone, and I get anxious in a relationship. I'm so confused.....

[Grandma]

I totally understand.  I lived most of my life like this, hurtling from one bad relationship to another.  Some details differ - I tended to be with emotionally abusive men who used my precarious emotional state as way of manipulating me - but the overall concept is exactly the same.  I felt incomplete unless I was in a relationship.

What I didn't realize for literally decades, is that if you bring an incomplete person into a relationship, the relationship can never be complete.
When I was close to 50 I took a moratorium from dating and concentrated on making myself whole.  Therapy, for me, was essential.  After a few years I felt able to be healthy in a healthy relationship, but no one came along, and I got comfortable being alone.  I accepted that I would probably not get involved with a man again.  It actually felt fine.

Then, at age 57, I met Grandpa!!!!  Although we both have major depression, anxiety, and PTSD severe enough so that we are on disability pensions, and though there are many things that we cannot do because of our disabilities,  we have a happy, supportive, loving, etc. lol, marriage.  We both were on our own for years - we know that we can function fine without a partner.  I believe that may be the important reason that our marriage is so strong.

You are 25 years younger than I was when I stopped dating.  You don't have to go through the 25 years of unhappiness that I suffered.  I am so happy for you - you are facing your demons now and you will be fine.  It won't be easy taking yourself apart and putting yourself together in a way that works, but it will be thousands of times easier than continuing the way you are.

[Boom23]

Grandma,
   Thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot to me that somebody really understands what I'm going through with this. I really appreciated that you said you are happy for me for facing my demons now. It's really hard because I KNOW what I have to do....I know that I have to try to be whole on my own and be a happy, single person for a while. It's so much easier said than done- everyone around me is in a relationship, I live alone, and I don't have many friends living around me (I have a lot of friends, they just don't live close to me). Relationships just offer a feeling of comfort, to an extent. But, like I said in my first post, I get really anxious during relationships too. I guess I never really realized what you just told me....that bringing an incomplete person into a relationship means that a relationship can't be complete. Thanks for saying that! That definitely gives me something to think about!

[dieterabrenner]

Hi Boom23,

Well done on coming forward with a concern like this. I'm sure there are many people who have had the same concern.

You mention that whether you're in a relationship or not that you still feel anxiety. Do you think then it might be a good idea if we could solve the anxiety thing before anything else?

Sometimes we can search for something outside of us, from another person or an experience to get what we want, but if we are always dependant on getting it externally then as you've probably experienced, external things are subject to change.

From what I read it sounds to me that there are two concerns. The anxiety and also the feelings of not being complete when you are single.

Anxiety stems from fear, and the thing which we fear from a relationship is not being loved.

Feelings of not being complete come down to perception, an idea of separation and believing that physical connection is completion or unity. If this is true, if physical connection or being in a relationship was unity, when would you be in a relationship and when would you not?

The thing that you want to get from your relationship is love. You may say physical connection or to be 'together' as a couple, but really, it comes down to love.

Given that anxiety in a relationship is the result of the fear of not being loved, if we could help you to feel love whether you were in a relationship or not, do you see how we can solve both concerns?

Firstly, we must be conscious of what is true unity. To hold an idea in your mind about being together as a couple, which is subject to change and is dependent on the agreement of the other person will not bring you true love and inner harmony. That doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship as a couple, only we must let go of the attachment to the idea in order to feel complete whether you are in a relationship or not.

True unity is love. Love is not symbolic. To view you and another person in your mind as 'together' physically, or as agreed upon is to view an idea through symbols, which is not love, it is just an idea. Sure you might find love through that idea but again it is subject to it being the way you want.

To feel complete you need to know love, to know it fully, regardless of whether you are with someone or not. When you know love fully you will also solve the concern about anxiety, because love and fear cannot exist together, when you know love fully fear does not exist.

So, all we need to do is to help you to know love, fully, so that you are in love and you know nothing else but love, even if only for a moment because when you do you will know how to go back there, to a place where there is no fear, where there is all unity with everyone and you will then have what you want.

So, the fear that you have had when you move into a relationship or even when you are not in one, could you tell me specifically what you fear? I have already mentioned that it is the fear of not being loved, but would you like to put it in your own words for me?

Then I will be able to help you further.

Warmest regards,

Dieter Aschenbrenner

[Grandma]

Dieter -

I know that you are a professional life coach.  Why are you offering your help here for free?
Am I cynical to think that you plan to try to sell us your materials?  Forgive me if I am wrong.

[Jasmin]

Sorry but i do not agree with Dieter, since love and fear can come together, who said that they can not?  If you ahve relationship anxiety problems, even if u r in a very fulfilling relationship and love or think u love the person, u will always experience fear, at least this is my case and that of Boom 23 apparently...

I had the same problem as Boom 23, except that in my case, i do not doubt my partner's love, but my love towards him... until i turn his life and mine like hell... I have never stopped searching for the meaning of love...
Now I am very happy with my bf and all, but i am still anxious about the very same topic, and by this everytime he does a minor mistake, i freak out!! Before going into this relationship, i had therapy started for more than a year and half, and i thought should i or should i not go into a relationship until i solve my anxiety, although i was dying to be in a relationship, as Boom 23, i needed to be in a relationship.... but i thought if i should delay it, until i said to myself: who am i kidding, even when I am 90 years old, i might still have things to work on within myself... and i really really like my current bf, so i went for it... so far things are working fine, but with anxiety weekly bouncing in to distort things for me, and to make us both suffer,.... any ideas about those doubts?

[Boom23]

Grandma (or any other posters), I didn't ask you before...do you have any suggestions about how I could go about learning to be comfortable with just myself, without a relationship? What worked for you? I know you mentioned therapy, but what did you do with yourself in the hours and days you weren't in therapy? How did you learn to really love and appreciate yourself, before loving and appreciating Grandpa?

Dieter, you are correct when you say that I fear not being loved, and that that is what I want and need from a relationship. I also fear being happy...because I fear that if I let myself be really, truly happy that something bad will happen that will take everything away from me. It seems like I always have one eye on the negative aspect of things. I feel like letting myself be too happy will make things worse when something bad happens, if that makes sense. Also, I just constantly have the fear that the guy isn't feeling the same thing I am. I am afraid to get too close, for fear that they will break my heart; but, I'm also afraid of not getting close, because that is what a relationship is all about. I have dated SO many guys that tell me how much they like me, how happy I make them, how they won't hurt me...... and it all ends up being lies; every single one of them has broken up with me. So, I guess I am afraid, in addition, to believe anything that a guy says. How do I know if he is genuine? I have many, many fears...all of which are causing me so much anxiety. Even when I'm not in a relationship, I am constantly fretting about "what am I doing wrong?"

Jasmin, thank you so much for sharing your story. It really makes me feel not so alone. It really helps knowing that I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I have the same worries you do...Should I go into a relationship or not? Should I be single or not? Like you, I just crave being in a relationship, which is something I need to work on. Like Grandma said, I need to learn to be whole by myself first. As for your situation, Jasmin, I understand where you are coming from...always doubting your love towards someone. Now, I have no clue what the meaning of love really is....but, for me, loving someone is just natural. If you really love the person you are with, it just feels right; you don't question why you love them- you just do....they make you feel a way you never have before. I know that sounds crazy coming from me, who just posted about the same issue you have. I don't struggle knowing how to love someone, I guess I just struggle with knowing how to love myself (without a relationship), and I struggle with knowing whether someone really, truly loves me or not. I don't really know what to suggest to make your anxiety lessened in your current relationship, but I will just say that being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to stop searching for the meaning of love; also, again, if you really love someone, you will know     Best of luck to you. Keep us posted!

[dieterabrenner]

Hi Boom23,

Thank you for sharing again,

I am just going to go through some of the things you mentioned because I noticed some beliefs which could be causing you pain.

The thoughts that we run in our mind are made up of symbols, such as words or sounds or images. Those words which you run in your mind can make you feel bad if they are disempowering words.

When you change the internal dialogue within your thoughts then naturally you will feel better because you may no longer be asking disempowering questions which cause you to feel pain.

So reading the words you expressed I can suggest quickly some changes you may like to make to help you feel better.

Firstly, you mention that it is love that you want and need from a relationship. Thank you for being so forthcoming in revealing what you want. The only problem with this statement is that you say you want love from a relationship, which is understandable as many people think the same way.

The challenge is if you want love from a relationship and you don't find it then you may experience pain because you are relying on something external to give you what you want.

Love is something which can be found within you and once you do you then no longer need to seek for it externally. You can have it at any time. You can also have it at any time you give love, because by giving love are you feeling love, and if it is love that you want to feel then by giving so do you have it. There is no difference in truth between giving or receiving love, it only appears that way. When we 'receive' love we feel love, when we give we also feel it. We feel the love, even when perhaps someone may be lying to us. Have you ever had someone lie to you in a relationship and you still felt love for them because you believed them? So who felt the love in that moment? You. You feel love whether you receive or give and so by giving so can you have everything that you want.

The next thing I'd like to work with is the idea that 'if you let yourself be really, truly happy that something bad will happen that will take everything away from you'.

If by giving love you have everything that you want, what is there which could be taken away from you if you can always give more, or just know more love by knowing it within?

It is love that you want and this you have as unlimited within you, so there is nothing which could be taken away from you which you could ever run out of, in truth no-one can 'take' love away from you and if this is everything you want how can this ever be not there?

You mention it seems that you always have one eye on the negative aspect of things, I would like to suggest that you be conscious of the words that you choose, such as the word 'always'. It may seem irrelevant but remember that language can determine how we feel and if we tell ourselves 'always' then our brain may think 'always' and then always it may well be.

But seriously, always? I'm sure you know the answer to that one :-)

"I feel like letting myself be too happy will make things worse when something bad happens, if that makes sense."

Could this be an idea of contrast, thinking that if things go really good then you're on such a high that there 'must' only be the equivalent of that height in fall? What if you could stay high? Or even if you could go high and then know that you never need to go as low as you were before, perhaps you would have let go of some disempowering beliefs that enabled you to be at a higher 'level' than ever before and there was only a few steps to go down to if you ever did?

"I just constantly have the fear that the guy isn't feeling the same thing I am" again just be conscious of the word 'constantly' if you would.

By posting your comments I can work with them better so I hope that that is okay with you :-)

The next one is; "I am afraid to get too close, for fear that they will break my heart; but, I'm also afraid of not getting close, because that is what a relationship is all about."

Okay, this one is really interesting. I would like to ask you what you think is 'too close'? At what specific distance in your mind? If you love someone, in that moment you are in unity with them. That is as close as it gets in truth. Love is oneness, unity and there is nothing closer than that. Anything else is only separation. 

If you can love someone regardless of whether they are with you or not, regardless of whether they 'reject' you or not, whether they want to hurt you or not, if you can keep loving them anyway, is it not true that you will always be as close as you could ever be with them by loving them forever?

Is that something which you could do? To love someone forever regardless of whether you are together or not? Because in loving them again, remember you will have everything that you want, so what is there to lose if you do? You may lose the physical connection, but you mentioned that love is all that you really want, so knowing that you can have love by loving them regardless of whether you are together physically or not, do you now see how you can never 'be' hurt if you can find inner love and keep loving no matter what?

"every single one of them has broken up with me." If you can keep loving them no matter what, they can never 'break up' with you because in love are you always connected :-)

"So, I guess I am afraid" again something here with the language, the word "am" implies "equals". Can you imagine if you would say I = afraid ?
You = afraid ?
No, you are not afraid, you may experience fear, you may observe it in within the body, you may hold onto it, but you are not afraid yourself. Fear is separate from you. Identifying yourself with fear may only be something I noticed in your language but these can be the thoughts you run in your mind which if you identify yourself with fear then you may hold onto it believing that it is you. You are love, you are power, fear is nothing.

"Even when I'm not in a relationship, I am constantly fretting about "what am I doing wrong?" The word 'constantly' again, also the questions you ask can direct the thoughts that you think which can then lead to how you feel.

The question 'what am I doing wrong' has what we call a 'presupposition' in the question, which presupposes that you ARE doing something wrong already. Even if you think you just made a mistake, you would be better to ask quality questions instead which presuppose that you are doing things right, and then you will begin to believe it and then act that way :-)

It would be good for you to brainstorm some quality questions that you can ask, as well as listen and be conscious of the questions you are asking yourself, this can make a HUGE change in your life. 

One example of a quality question might be "What else am I doing that is contributing so much love to my life / relationship?"

The word 'else' presupposes that you already are :-)

Let me know how this goes and how you feel after having read this,

Warmest regards,


Dieter Aschenbrenner :-)