A hurdle in my recovery

[thinker247]

Hey all. So I recently started going back to therapy (4th session last week) and I am thinking that I might have to go through a hurdle before I make any real progress. You see, the past couple of weeks, my therapist has been asking me to write down the anxiety provoking thoughts in a sort of log (as most CBT therapists do) and I only came back with a couple. I have anxiety provoking thoughts a lot more times than twice a week, but I can't get myself to write them down. I think a big part of that is that I am afraid of the judgement the therapist will have on my disturbing, wierd, abnormal, neurotic thoughts. Also, I don't know if I want her to have access to my inner most intimate thoughts. I don't know if I want to be that vulnerable in front of her. I have developed trust issues with therapists over the years (check my other posts for details). I want to get better, I want to tackle the issues, but I just don't know if it is worth opening up myself again and possibly getting twisted and mangled and confused again.
Last week, after having a conversation about the anxiety provoking situation on my worksheet, I felt really uncomfortable about answering specifically what thoughts were bothering me in specific anxiety-provoking situations. I'm not comfortable enough with her to be that open and forthcoming. I am trying, and I hope I will eventually get to a point where I can be clear and feel safe enough to tell her my feelings, but thats not the case right now.
The other thing that is sort of uncomfortable for me is that my therapist is a female around my age and I am male, so the judgment I fear from her is like that of a peer. It's like I'm getting judged by a strange woman whom I am just having a conversation with, which I have issues with. (SIGH)... It's so hard to explain, but if you understand my dilemma please chime in. Thanks.

[anxietygirl2]

I think everyday you should write, as one of your anxiety provoking thoughts: "writing down my anxiety provoking thoughts"

or, if this is more accurate "identifying the anxiety provoking thoughts"

etc

It's a good place to start and it's not a hurtle at all. If you have anxiety and you go to do this exercise, but then you can't write down what provoked it, because you are feeling anxious about writing it down, you can write that one down. With time you will be able to skip that one because you've given it a name, a face, and normalized it.

And maybe write down "seeing my therapist" or "being judged" etc.

These are good places to start.

[joycicle]

Hi Thinker, 2 thoughts here, A)  why don't you write down the more intimate ones you don't want to share at home just for yourself? The more you write them the more comfortable you ';ll become with them and she doesn't have to see them AT FIRST. Then slowly you can share more and more with her as you settle in? Just an idea. B) your therapist, I GUARANTEE you has seen people with disgusting and disturbing thoughts, super sick individuals.. I doubt there is anything you can say that would make her judge you . I've also noticed a lot of folks who go into the psych. field do it because they themselves have emotional problems. It's possible she has the same thoughts.   and,, I'll add a C)  at the end of the day you are paying her to help YOU..... her opinion of YOU the person means nothing in the grand scheme of your life. Will she be around in 5 years? 10? No, but you will ! So get her help today and don't worry about what she thinks. You have to live your life for YOU and the opinions of others, especially NON family members, mean nothing ..

[constantmover]

When I first started therapy, all I did was sit and stare at my therapist.  He would ask me questions and I would give just yes and no answers.  It really took me a long time to open up, but in time, I did.  He asked me to write down my feelings, just like what your therapist did and I ended up keeping a daily journal which was very interesting reading once I finished my therapy.  Little did I know that I was supposed to give it to him to read at one point.  Having said that, he didn't expect it to be detail like I made it.  All he wanted, thank God, was an idea of what I was feeling and if there were any triggers of those feelings.  So, what I decided the best way to do this without it feeling too intrusive was make a chart.  I was far more comfortable showing him a chart than a journal!   I made a chart of each month.  On the chart I had a legend with different colours representing different emotions and changes.  Example:  If I had a panic attack, I would rate it from 1 - 10 and the situation I was in when it happened...a party or movie or just sitting around minding my own business, whatever.  I didn't submit my charts until I was good and ready, so he got about six months at one time.  It was really interesting doing it this way and seeing the correlation with different events and times that I had a pa comparing it from month to month.

This is just an idea that might make it easier for you to work with this therapist.  Like you, my therapist was of the opposite sex, around my age and just to throw another wrinkle in it, he was a friend of my friend.  In fact, that is how I got him.  I would have had to wait months for therapy if I didn't pull some strings and I needed help right away...I hated doing that, but sometimes one has to.  So, you see, there I was having pulled some strings to even get therapy and all I did for the first while was answer yes and no to his questions.  It took a lot of time for me to feel comfortable with him and once that happened , I was able to give him my charts.  BTW, the journal that I initially started for myself, was very interesting reading after the fact, but I shredded so no one would ever see it.  Talk about paranoia   LOL.  Keep us updated on what you decide to do.