trying to figure out how I'm going to get through the next 17 days

[sc293]

Just to warn everyone - this is kind of a long post.

Hi all, I'm fairly new here.   Even though I've always been a worrier and very sensitive, I didn't realize I had GAD until a couple of months ago when I found this forum and the posts really hit home with me.

My anxiety trigger has always been a fear that someone close to me will die leaving me all alone.  My Mom died when I was 10, and a couple of years after that I developed this fear that my Dad and stepmom would die leaving me all alone to raise my two half sisters.   Even now (20+ years later) I still worry about my Dad, although not as much now since I've moved on to worrying about my fiance.  We've been together 12 years now and I love him more than anything.  We've always had a very close relationship and spend a lot of time together.  He doesn't have to travel too much for work, but still he does have to travel once in a while and then my anxiety really kicks in.   (He went to Mexico on businees in January for a week which is what spurred me on to finding this site.) 

Tomorrow he leaves for 16 days in Germany.  He's been there 6 times already in his life (including 9 months when he was in college), and he speaks German, so logically I shouldn't be that worried about him, but I can't quiet my mind about this.  I never do well when he goes anywhere (being around him keeps me calm and my anxiety in check) and this will be the longest business trip that he's had to take, and the longest time that we'll have ever been apart.

I had started meditating about 3 weeks ago and that was working out pretty well until this week, since I'm so stressed out it's hard to clear my mind even for a few minutes.  I dread leaving him at the airport, I dread the drive home alone and I dread being along in an empty house.  I know that statistically air travel is safe, that he's going to a nice part of Germany (I've been about 30 miles from where he's going so I know it's not a bad area), that he should be just as safe there as I'll be here, and I've prayed, lit candles, etc.... but I can't get over the anxiety, fear and constant worry.  I can't even really put into words what I'm afraid of other than that I'm really going to miss him and that I'm afraid something bad will happen and I'll be left all alone.   I can barely focus at work today and am on the verge of tears.  (It's like this whenever he goes on a trip that involves flying and/or leaving the country.)

I ordered a couple of books by Dr. Burns that were recommended on one of the other threads, but they won't arrive until next week.  I know I should eat right, exercise, meditate, etc ... but it's just so hard to do right now.   I can't stop my mind from overanalyzing the situation.  If anyone has any advice - let me know.   If not, thanks for letting me vent.   I still feel really anxious, although I know that I'm not alone in feelling like this, although I'd love to be one of those people who drops a loved one off at the airport for a couple of weeks trip, who doesn't worry and has no fears/doubts about his return.

[apple]

I feel this way about my husband and my children.  Altho they dont leave the country, I cant relax if they go on a trip, I also worry I wont be there if something happens.  Did I tell them I loved them enough times or ways before they left.  Usually I cant sleep when my husband is gone.  In April he is gone for 3 days and its gonna kill me!!

I dont have any grand ways to help you thru this...but I sure do know how you feel. 

[Basil]

Use these 17 days as a time for yourself. Confront these feelings and work to get better. Therapy has done wonders for me in the past, and it's especially helpful if you want to keep yourself busy. Start yoga classes or a new hobby like jogging. Your book should help you too. My worst anxiety happens when I don't keep myself busy... I guess all the downtime makes my brain have to compensate and become over-active in some other way.

It's going to be tough, but eventually the days will come to and end and he'll be home again. And just maybe you'll be in a different, better place by then.

Good luck!

P.S. And keep up with the forum- that will also keep you busy and allow you to productively put your anxiety to meaning and understanding.

[ocdengineer]

Continue meditating for the same amount of time even if you can't keep your mind focused.  It will help a lot in the long run.  Next, allow yourself to be worried.  You know he will be OK and it is OK to be a little worried.  The best thing you can do with anxiety is face it head on and not allow it to rule you, so if you have a bad thought of getting hit by a car when crossing the street, you carefully look both ways and cross the street anyway.  It is hard to do, but it is the only way to beat anxiety at its own game.  I know it is easier said than done and trust me I've been on the other end of this conversation more times than I can count, but it has always helped, so continue meditating and drop him off at the airport as relaxed as you can be! 

Good luck,
OE

[sc293]

Thanks everyone for your replies.  I'm still really anxious about this, but at least I know I'm not alone in feeling like this - which does help.  Until I found this forum, I thought I was the only one who thought like this. 

I dropped J off at the airport this morning.  He's flown to Atlanta, and will be taking off for Stuttgart in about 20 minutes.   He called me from the airport about 20 minutes ago - which helped.  He doesn't know about the GAD (since I didn't know about it until a few months ago), and I know I need to tell him, but I didn't want to drop all this on him right before he left.   He knows that I always get really depressed and emotional whenever he has to go on these trips, but I don't think he has any idea how bad I really get.

Apple - I also worry that I won't be there if something happens.   If I'm there with him - I don't feel as bad about these trips (although I really don't like to fly but that's another story).  I can't sleep either whenever J is on a trip, especially out of the country.  He'll be tired from being jet lagged, and I'll be tired from being unable to sleep and waking up constantly in the middle of the night.   That said, you'll get through those three days in April just like I'll get through these 16 days - because I have to and you'll have to.   There's no other choice, the trips will happen (no matter how much they suck).   I've gotten better with shorter, more local trips, it's these long ones out of the country that are still really hard.   Does having the kids around when your husband is out of town help any?   We don't have kids (I can't imagine how worried I'd be), but they seem like they'd be a good distraction.   

Basil - I know that you're right about using this time to work on myself and that I need to keep myself busy.  Still it's easier said than done.   I'll definitely be on the forum tonight and tomorrow, and probably a lot during the weekdays too since I work in IT so I'm always on the computer.   I've checked out some of the other forums and found a lot of threads that I'll be posting on soon.

OE: I'm going to try and continue meditating, although I'm taking today off.  I bought a book about meditating 8 minutes a day for 8 weeks to learn how to start meditating, and they say you're allowed to miss 2 days over the 8 weeks, so this'll be one of my days.   I'll try to get back into it tomorrow.   You're right about facing your anxieties, and I know that there's nothing I can do since he's on that plane and it's taking off soon, but still as you well know this is so hard to do.


Even though I know that the odds are significantly in my favor that he'll be okay - it's still really hard.   He doesn't like international travel because of the long flights and the jetlag since he can't sleep on planes.   Knowing that he'll probably be up all night (then get there at 8 AM exhausted) doesn't help either.   I'll be up all night myself watching CNN to make sure there aren't any plane crashes.   I used to bring the TV into the bedroom when I'd go to bed, but I've discovered it's easier to leave it in the office and just bring in a pillow and a blanket.   Since there are now flight tracking websites I can track his flight all the way to Germany.   The tracking used to give out around Iceland, but Delta now has some sort of transoceanic tracking.   He's due to get in at 3 AM our time, and I have no doubt that I'll be up on the computer until then.   Of course once he's there, then I start worrying about what'll happen since he's there ....

Besides all this I'll be trying to figure out some way that we can retire soon (we're in our 30's so it's not really going to happen anytime soon), since if we're retired - he wouldn't have to go on these trips and we'd be together all the time so I wouldn't worry as much.  Or if only we could find some job/business that doesn't involve travel ....

I just checked Delta's web site and the flight's been delayed an hour.   Last time he went to Germany his flight was delayed an hour and a half, and last time I went (to meet him there) mine was delayed 2 hours - so it figures.  Just more time for him to be stressed on the plane and for me to be worrying ....

[bjmcgrew]

When my husband went away for 2 weeks on business to Hawaii, I was going through the same thing.  How I made it through........

I sewed new curtains for our bedroom, completed projects that needed finishing, etc.  Anything to surprise him when he came home.  Indeed he was surprised!  The time will fly by!!!