First full blown panic attack - May be a good thing

[Godfrey]

So I think I had my first true, honest-to-God panic attack last night.  And yes, panic attack:  Not just anxiety.   It was horrible, and I'll recount it in detail below (the reason why is so people who don't want to read it don't have to; I don't want anyone freaking out as a result of reading about what happened to me XP!).  But it's also strangely...Liberating.  For one thing, now I *know* I'll survive a panic attack breakdown.   And I'll still be able to think during it as well.  I won't stop being me, no matter how shaky my voice gets or how terrified I am I'll still be in my right mind, and I'll still love my girlfriend and parents deeply.  And that's the important thing:  You WILL survive.

So here's what happened:  My legs were still feeling a bit odd (still are XP).   My father and I went to visit a cousin out in Alabama; I agreed to go because I thought hanging out up there would make me feel better.  It didn't, really, and I spent the whole night pacing and thinking entirely too much about my legs and how weird they felt.  I sat down once, and concentrated on a portable game for a bit, which helped.  But I got up, and my legs felt weird again for a while.  I had trouble eating dinner and when I went to sit down afterwords my legs just continued to feel weird and I was unable to focus elsewhere this time.  This continued more or less until Dad and I were about to leave.

My father and his cousin stood by their cars outside the his house, talking about stuff in general.  I began to pace around, suddenly feeling worse and worse.  Suddenly, I gagged.   Then I gagged again.  Then a third time.  I suddenly hurried to my father, shaking horribly.  I grabbed him and, as I fell to my knees, told him I thought I needed to go to the ER.

They knew better, however, although I didn't know it at the time.  My father picked me up and reassured me that I was going to be fine, and took me inside the house to sit down.   Our cousin noted that "We've all had panic attacks", and as my father sat me down on the couch got me some tea.   My father asked me about my symptoms, still reassuring me and telling me to drink the tea slowly.  I still thought something was wrong.  I thought the shaking proved it, at the time!

Eventually I was given water as well, and dad took me home, still shaking.  Note that we were in Alabama and live in Florida!  He covered me in his jacket and turned the heater on, talking to me and trying to distract me.  I expressed my fear that I was going to die, even as I breathed carefully and tried to keep my heart rate down.  He reassured me that I wasn't, pointing out that nothing was hurting, that my heart clearly wasn't stopping because I was still conscious, telling me to think about my girlfriend and try to focus on our future together.  It helped a little, even though it didn't seem like it at the time admittedly.  The nearest ER was some ways away, but as we got near it he and I discussed it a little and decided to keep going until we were closer to home.

I continued to shake, but I started to feel a bit better.  I was still very freaked out, and still thought something was wrong, but I started to think it wasn't fatal.   As we got closer to home we decided to try going home first and see how I felt.   When we arrived, he helped me out of the car and led me inside the house, leading me to the big comfortable recliner in the living room and tossing a blanket over me, getting me some more water.  As I sat there in the chair, with dad going back and forth, making a unrelated phone call and checking up on me.  My shaking decreased, and eventually stopped...And it was then that I realized this had to have been a panic attack at least on some level.  I managed to (weakly) text my girlfriend, telling her what happened and how much I loved her.  I was VERY tired, though, and closed my eyes and went to sleep.  It wasn't a great sleep; I woke up several times throughout the night, eventually waking up at *dawn* and being unable to go to sleep again eight (at which point I moved to the couch, which I was more comfortable with and slept more deeply).  I did wake up shaking, but that stopped too and fairly quickly.

I admit it did take a lot of willpower to write this without having another XP!   But I feel very good about it now.   In fact, if I didn't have constant anxiety and the weird feeling in my legs already I'd probably forget this quickly!  But like I said:  I'll live.  I know I'll live now.

[rss1982]

So nice to see your making the most of a negative experience, and making it positive  panic attacks are terrifying when your unsure of what is going on, but once you realise that all it is is panic and you'll be ok you can take the control back. Good for you 

[Godfrey]

Thanks!   Tonight has been much better...I settled down after a long day of visiting my mother's family and watched a number of funny films, which made me feel a helluva lot better and less anxious.  I'm feeling crazy hungry now though XP!  Probably making up for the past week of eating less than usual due to a lack of appetite from all the anxiety.

[rss1982]

That's great glad too hear you're feeling well