Author Topic: I just want to die (Read 4618 times)

Josie · « **on:** March 06, 2007, 10:42:52 AM »

I am tired, there is nothing here for me and I just want to die. During those times, I just sit,because I know if I move, I will 0473. It 's like something takes over in my mind and I can't control the thoughts so I force myself to set there. The thing is no one knows.
I am alone in my torment.
Josie

conquerer · « **Reply #1 on:** March 06, 2007, 12:18:31 PM »

Josie,

You are not alone in your torment. We are all here with you and for you, please know that. I haven't read any of your other posts, are you suffering from anxiety induced depression? Have you ever tried the Linden Method? I haven't seen it mentioned on this forum that much, but it is something that I tried for my anxiety and it really did help. Besides the love and strength of my Lord and Saviour, this is one worldly thing that did temporarily cure me: http://www.panic-anxiety.com/. It is also good for depression, social anxiety, ocd, etc. A lot of people have been cured completely by using it, but I will warn you there are still some that don't get anything from it. Still, even if like me, you get temporary relief that will be enough to provide some much needed HOPE. Just to know that it is possible to have relief. I am here if you need anything, and so are a lot of other people on this forum. If it gets to a dire point please contact someone, me if you are willed and I will do whatever I can to help.

My prayers are with you,
erin

sadgirl · « **Reply #2 on:** March 06, 2007, 12:27:28 PM »

Hi Josie, you are not alone with this and we are all here to help.
I also often feel like i want to just 0473 and i think about all the ways i could and which one would be easier and i would be able to do (i usually think about overdosing). When i feel like this i will always be thinking that i could do it right now, like i will be walking down the road and be thinking about jumping in front of a car and would that work and if i take some parecetamol or something or would think there might just be enough here to 0473, and in the rare occasions that i cut myself i think if i wanted to i could cut an artery. But the thing is that i am always too scared to do it no matter how much i want to, im glad about that because i know deep down that i will feel better some time and if i was to 0473 i wouldnt get that.

apple · « **Reply #3 on:** March 06, 2007, 02:30:21 PM »

Josie

I know how awful it feels to be where you are with this depression. Thats what it is hun...you can get better!!
Please take a vitamin B complex as it helps your mood along with other things. Melatonin will help your mood and sleep..take it before bed (found at health food store)

Go talk to your doctor, there are treatments for you that WILL work. You just have to keep fighting. You are strong enough!! This feeling doesnt have to be always. I know you have tried many different kinds of meds but maybe there is one that will work. Honestly after many many meds over 16 years I have finally found the one that works.

Play some upbeat favorite tunes and crank it real loud. I dont know where you live but in winter here we lack sunshine and vitamin D. Take a vitamin D supplement. If you can, buy one of those sun lamps. I have one and it does help.

You are never alone...and your positive words are clearly seen on this forum. You really are a great person always trying to help others, depression will hide your good qualities from you but there are many..many good things about you.

Please take care and let us know how you are doing.

NightOwl · « **Reply #4 on:** March 07, 2007, 01:17:21 AM »

I am kind of scared to take melatonin myself, but I may do that.

But Josie, I hope you feel better soon! I have felt like you so many times including a daya go. I have always got out of it somehow and hopefully will again and you will get out of it also. You will find some reason to be hopeful I am sure.

Josie · « **Reply #5 on:** March 07, 2007, 06:39:19 AM »

Thank you everyone for your replies. I enjoy helping those who are down. But, as my therapist says to me, "You can't give what you don't have". I have my story on another email site. I have been working a program to get better. I had been getting better. However, people have read my story and instead of getting in contact with the program, they email me. Some are easy and I can do some heslp for them. Others are very difficult and don't really want help, they just want to be heard. I can relate. However, someone who was going to join the program has all of a sudden dropped from the face of the earth. I am worried.
My family life is not working out. I am not heard. I feel invisible to everyone. I have no friends to speak of here where I live. I can't talk to my husband about how I am doing. We have no insurance. I can't go to the hospital. Meds are getting expiensive. Constantly changing meds..
I have been on Lexapro since October. The longest I have ever been on any medication. Now I having many waves of wanting to commit 0119. I pray to God and hol on to Him, but it feels like I am slipping away. I just want to go home to Him where I know I am loved. The spirit God gave me isn't screwed up. It is me. All me. I want to go where I am not screwed up.
I can't thing straight thoughts. I can't keep concentration and so on and so forth. It has taken ne a long time to write theis.
Oh, it's time to go to work. JOY! sarcastic. I love my job, but I don't like going to work any more.
Josie

conquerer · « **Reply #6 on:** March 07, 2007, 01:15:02 PM »

Josie,

I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm a Christian that struggles with anxiety, hypochondria, depression etc. and it's difficult sometimes to find comfort in the Lord. I struggle with it at times, but I can tell you that He really does comfort me and strengthen me when I am at my lowest...and it's always when I completely give up myself and just lean on Him. At the times when I am closest to Him I feel fearless, and anxiety-free! There are times though, when I feel myself slipping away from Him...or Him moving away from me, to test me. It's actually been happening lately...I've been relying more on my own strength than on His, and that's when I am unable to control the depression or anxiety. I get down also at times, because I don't have many friends and ever since anxiety struck me almost 2 years ago I've kind of let go of people. I just find it hard to connect with people, even my boyfriend at times. I like how you said that you can't wait to go home and be with Him...I feel the exact same way...but I know that He will call on me when my job here is done. If you are still alive, Josie, then your job is not done. He still has some plans for you. Don't let the panoramic thougts of anxiety disctract you from Him and cause you to be unable to see or hear the things that He is trying to show you.

You'll be in my prayers friend :)

"O Magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:3-4

One more thing, I disagree with your therapist...if God has blessed you with a gift of helping people who are down, then that is something you should do. God blesses those who bless others.

Josie · « **Reply #7 on:** March 07, 2007, 06:39:56 PM »

Thank you all for your help. You have all been an encouragement. I have made an appointment with my med. doctor and therapist. I am still very tired and have little to no interest in things or people around me, especially negative things and people who are always around me. Before I can love them I have to learn to love myself. Wish me luck.

I do take melatonin when I need it. Sometimes more than what I need. I have to be careful on what B vitamins I can take. I will ask my doctor on which would be good for me. I do have Panic Away. I may need to get it out again.

Josie

NightOwl · « **Reply #8 on:** March 13, 2007, 08:31:49 PM »

How have you been doing lately?

I am all up and down.

Josie · « **Reply #9 on:** March 14, 2007, 10:53:44 PM »

It has been a terrible roller coaster ride. I am either extremely depressed or having anxiety attacks, even in my sleep. People at work believe that I am physically sick because I look so bad. I am tired.
I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for your concern. I don't get to much of that around here.
Josie

NightOwl · « **Reply #10 on:** March 15, 2007, 02:06:50 AM »

Yeah I notice sometimes suddenly people stop posting for a while. I do hope you're going to feel better soon. The thing I panic most about with getting a job is that I will look so physically sick right when starting, thus being a bad first impression on people. I guess people are understanding though. Not like they would hate me because I look sick. lol

Anyway that is very upsetting that you have been feeling so bad. I really thought a while back that you were one of the ones doing well again and that you probably wouldn't have it come back so bad. You will get through it though!

I dunnno, I have been pretty bad, but ok today i guess.

Josie · « **Reply #11 on:** March 15, 2007, 06:55:55 AM »

I thought I was doing better myself. Then I went into a tail spin and I fear that I am spinning out of control. I know what I am suppose to do in these cases. I recognize what's happening, but I don't have the stregnth to applly it. I just wish all these bad thing around me and in me would go away or that I go away to be with God. I am so mentally, pysically, and spiritually tired.
Josie

apple · « **Reply #12 on:** March 15, 2007, 11:52:09 AM »

God has plans of you Josie, thats why you are still here. He cries for you, and is there holding you. Do believe it. Because of what we suffer we become stronger and more compationate. Life will reward you for stickin it out. please believe that. I often felt the way you do now and somehow make it back up to enjoy life again. You will find your way up. Look how hard your tryin, and how your reaching out for that hand to pull you up. I pray for you.

Josie · « **Reply #13 on:** March 15, 2007, 02:19:43 PM »

Thank you for your prayers. It does make me feel better knowing there are people out there who do care. I will stick it out. I promise.
Josie

Josie · « **Reply #14 on:** March 16, 2007, 11:00:42 AM »

I still want to die. I know God has a plan for me, but I keep missing what He has in store for me. I will keep trying to stay in there. I hope I can.
Josie

Sanman · « **Reply #15 on:** March 28, 2007, 08:40:32 PM »

For 2 years now I have been suffering from medical symptoms including chest pain GI probs kidney probs and a long list of other symptoms. I have made several trips to ER and various doctors nobody is able to find anything. I feel unwell and just wanna end it al, has anyone out there had similar sensations?

Josie · « **Reply #16 on:** March 28, 2007, 10:29:12 PM »

I know that when I am depressed, I tend to get real sick. My immune systems goes down and illnesses come up,but, nothing to your extreme.
Do you think it might be hypochondria? I don't know,but , it won't hurt to check it out.
I have been battling about ending it all myself for different reasons. I am sure you will find your answer. Just stay in there and hang on. There is an answer to all of this.
Josie

Mr_Anxiety · « **Reply #17 on:** March 30, 2007, 01:24:20 AM »

you get a very special prize in heaven in the end if you dont end it all now. Stay in there to win the prize! (you will also be entered to win publishers clearing house). Keep a sense of humor about things no matter how bad it gets.

Josie · « **Reply #18 on:** March 30, 2007, 07:04:02 AM »

I am going to do my best to stay in there. Everyday is a struggle. My therapist is telling me I am doing better. I need to stop disqualifying the positive. I am stronger than I allow myself to believe.
I still feel dead inside. Like I am a walking zombie. I am asking God to give me the strength that I need for everyday.
Josie

NightOwl · « **Reply #19 on:** April 03, 2007, 10:43:02 PM »

You any better, Josie?

Josie · « **Reply #20 on:** April 04, 2007, 06:57:51 AM »

I am doing a little better. It's been a struggle with more bad things popping up. I have refrained my hurting myself and trying to 0473. Yesterday I was sick and I took more medicine than I really needed. I wanted to feel better and for a short time I did feel better. I am going to talk with my pastor and my counselor. There is a lady that I can call every day to help me through this time.
Thank you for checking up on me. You have been a blessing.
Josie

NightOwl · « **Reply #21 on:** April 04, 2007, 08:58:01 PM »

You're welcome. I hope you get a lot better.