Overwhelming anxiety dragging down this college senior ADVICE NEEDED!

[Roses]

Hello,

I'm brand new to this site and really hoping to find some support.  Here is my background info

I grew up in a turbulent slightly to moderately abusive household.  My brother and I felt as if we were walking on eggshells whenever my dad was home growing up.  Sometime my freshman year of college I started to develop pretty severe GAD which brought along moderate depression.  I believe since the age of 12 I've dealt with anxiety on and off especially social anxiety, but my drive to be a fearless go-getter in the eyes of my parents led me to hide my symptoms allot or I would displace them all upon my abusive father.  Now I'm a college senior at a top ranked national public university- a nursing major and on ROTC scholarship which is proving to be extremely stressful and time consuming.  I've been seeing a school counselor and on again off again meds for most of my college career.  However, I finally have a dx - GAD and it has been eye opening for me.  As I sit here now typing this my stomach is in knots, I feel like I can barely breath, shoulders are stiff, mind is quietly buzzing with what I should be doing right now, always conscious of the time, and predicting I won't be getting enough sleep.  Low self esteem has become a chronic piece in my life even though many supportive family and friends tell me how proud they are of me all the time.  I feel like every day is a struggle to get out there and do what I have to do and it's starting to take such a toll.  I just want to cry at the end of most days and I wonder how it would feel to be relaxed and normal.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with these particular symptoms- I don't get panic attacks.. more like severe anxiety attacks - tons of tension, feel like I can't breath, keyed up, uncomfortable, very self aware, impatient, and easily fatigued.  It's at its worse in school-- especially with my major and ROTC I never get a break... but when I'm back in my hometown or with my boyfriend it's like I can breath and truly smile again.. .such a relief.  I'm terrified that the anxiety is creeping into all corners of my life now though.  It's such a horrible thing.  I'm considering trying the medication Buspar, I've tried Lexapro and it saved my spring semester last year (boyfriend was on deployment, never sleeping because of school, super demanding ROTC program constantly training while trying to get through the first year of nursing school).. but I hate Lexapro's sexual side effects and that apathy antidepressant SSRIs bring... so I went off of it and a month later my anxiety is making an ugly return.  Please share with me your experiences with medications and therapies, especially Buspar.  Thanks for reading and I'm so glad I found you all. 

My best,
liffy

[morelaur88]

I can't believe no one has replied to you yet! First of all, welcome to the site! I'm fairly new here as well. You are not alone in how you feel!! So many people suffer from anxiety disorders. Anxiety is a natural part of being human. Its a primal survival instinct that is innate in all of us. Unfortunately, some of us have more than others. I admire you so much for accomplishing what you have despite your anxiety. Anxiety can act like a prison, entrapping it's sufferers behind bars of overwhelming fear and depression. I am also in college & I think that being in school triggers a lot of stress and pressure. So what you're feeling is normal. I've struggled with social anxiety and depression my whole life. I've been on and off medications since I was 14. If you've been able to manage without medication this far, I recommend staying away from it. Although it helped me temporarily, meds only made my problems worse. Go talk to someone (cognitive behavioral therapy is the best for anxiety). Exercise, eat healthy, and take vitamins. I will write more later. I'm on my phone so it's hard to type. Hope this helped somewhat! And keep doing what your doing. Hard work will pay off and if you can work as hard at beating your anxiety as you have at school then you will be just fine!