cofused exactly what my problem is...

[stella]

I have suffered from depression for the past 4 years and within the past year and a it has grown into something more complex. I've been on different meds in the past and the only one that seemed to work that I tried was Wellbutrin. So I thought going back on that would help, but i was wrong.  I have begun going to therapy and have an appointment with someone next week to analyze my problem and work with me to find meds that work for me. Anyway my problem has really started to take its toll on me.

 Let me give you some of my symptoms....

I work a monday thru friday job and go to the gym every morning before work...  When I get up in the morning I am generally in a good mood.. I have a routine that i like to follow and sometimes i feel like it keeps me sane...  Usually by the time I get to work in the morning the anxiety slowly begins creeping up on me getting worse and worse throughout the day... some days i can't consintrate and have a massive headache and other days it can be very minor... but i generally get home from work on those bad days and thats the time its usually the worst of the day...  I actually notice that it is the worst when I am not doing anything... The weekends can be awful for me where i can't shake it unless I take a nap but even that only has it slowly creep up on me again...

 I'm 26 and enjoy on occasion getting a drink with friends on the weekends. I find when I drink I feel great at the time but wake up in the morning to the worst anxiety of my life where I can barely get out of bed and my repetitive thoughts are in turbo speed. I have had to give up drinking all together.

For the past 1 year and a half I have been back and forth with braking up with my boyfriend.. We have been together for 5 years and all of a sudden I'm not sure if I really want to spend the rest of my life with him.. Marriage I mean...   I know if I leave him again this time it will be for good and i'm scared.  When I sit down and think about it there really isn't anything he does wrong and we share similar goals in life. But i continue to pick at him finding things wrong.  I generally love him first thing in the morning and throughout the day start wanting to leave him more and more.  I think about the pros and cons repetitively throughout the day and can't even shake the thoughts...  That is the most thing I think about but sometimes I can find something else to obsess about.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I really want to leave him or its just this disorder controlling me. I have left him in the past and regretted later. And he tries and tries in all his power to help me and understands what I'm going through... Hes a great guy so what is my problem. Why can't I chill out??

I've been reading other peoples comments on this forum and see similarities in me as in them. For one I have little to no confidence and find it really important to be excepted by people.  Ex specially men...  If they don't find me attractive I can take it really personal trying to pinpoint why they aren't attracted to me...   I constantly need others to complement me to make myself feel good... How can I get over this as well??  Why can't I care less like other people.  I know I can live a much happier healthier life if I could just stop caring what others think but as much as I try it devastates me to feel not attractive or stimulating to someone else..

Please help... Thank you in advance for your feedback and advise...

[apple]

Definitely check out meds for starters. Remember different ones work on different parts if the brain...under "medications and Therapy" look for my post "medication table-different groups" to sort of clear it up a bit.

It is especially hard for those who care about us...next time you start obsessing about wether you should leave your man, pound it in your head that either way you WILL wait until you can think clearly enough. I'd hate for you to send Mr.right packing. And even if he is Mr.wrong, he deserves no less for sticking with you thru this.

Keep up the struggle

Apple

[Kataisha]

welcome, Stella.
 :)

I'm new too.