Hello all new to this site, advice much appreciated :)

[rose_mummy]

Hello there. My name is Rose , i'm 25 years old and have a gorgeous baby girl who was born in March this year. Ever since I can remember I have always suffered badly with ocd/intrusive thoughts.

When I was little my ocd was mainly counting , having a very specific routine before I went to bed etc . As I reached 18 years old my ocd started to manefest into intrusive and very much unwanted thoughts. I have convinced myself that i'm a lesbain!This upset me very much I have convinced myself I didn't love my boyfriend (this was particularly upsetting for me) I have worried about having all sorts of different cancers, I worry about my famliy loads!!

Anyway, when the love of my life , (who is now the father of my child) moved to the other side of the world for a year it turned my life upside down, I out of the blew, from no where started to think that I no longer loved him and the sheer thought of this sent my body into fight and flight and my body went though the sheer fell of constant fight and flight for almost two months, when I adventually, without the help of medication, managed to get myself out of that way of thinking. I also must note that I have not lead a life where I have experienced much change, so when a change is thrown at me, I seem to break down.

To get to my point and where my slife is at the moment and why I signed up to this website is :
I fell pregnant in June last year. Having my own little family is all I have ever dreampt of! It's all I have ever wanted! When I found out I was pregnant I was elated, sooooo happy and excited ( I had previously convinced myself I couldn't have children, as I thought as I wanted to have a baby so much, I proberally wouldnt be able to have one) I felt all thesed happy emotions untill the day after my twenty week scan. The same dreded feeling in the pit of my stomach from when my boyfriend moved away came rushing back with avengence. My whole body was full with dread over the thought that I would not love my baby, and the thought that I wouldnt be able to cope having a baby. My body went throught the fight a flight hell for two weeks untyill my partner could hardly recognise the way I was behaving and made me go to the Doctors. The Doctor hesitated to give me an antidepressent but he thought the benefits would would be greater than the risks , as I couldnt eat or sleep with a mind full of worry over my silly thoughts. So he prescribed me amitriptyline. As soon as I took it within two days I was able to eat and sleep. I went about the rest of my pregnancy appearing normal to those around me, but having horrible thoughts wherling around in my head that I wouldn't be able to cope with having a baby.
My labour was very long and quite a horrible experience, as my little girl had the cord wrapped around her neck 3 times and her heart rate was dipping to dangerous levels, so she had to be delived by forseps and her little head had to be cut also. EVEN through my very horrible labour and all the pain I was in , I was STILL thinking about whether or not I would love my baby and whether or not I would be happy being a Mum, or whether I would cope ok!!! Even through all the pain I was in!
Adventually my little girl was born and a tiny little baby was placed on my chest and I was mesmorised by her. After the rush of having a baby and after I had spent my time at hospital , I was quickly sent home and the BANG the horrible thoughts came haunting back , worried about how much I didn't think I loved this prescious little gift. I went into anxiety overload yet again and had to up the dose of my amitriptyline.
Adventually things started to get better the bond started to blossom between and my little darling girl. BUT still even now, even at her age of 7 and a half months , I still have the same nagging thoughts in my head, they upset me so much
.... I may be having a lovely day, where no horrible thoughts are entering my head, then I start thinking "rose you dont love your baby, your a rubbish mum, your not good enough for your baby, you are never going to feel the rush of love for your child that your supposed too,"
It sounds silly I no but I want to love my baby with my whole heart and believe I do every day without doubting myself i want to be the best Mum I can be too my little girl, she deserves a Mum who loves her completely. Right now still, after a WHOLE year on being on amitrptyline , I STILL worry that I dont love my baby even after a whole bloody year! I hate myslef for thinking it, I really wish I could just have a clear mind.
Some days are just awsome, and I can have a full day without worrying that I dont love my baby, those days are just the best :) I play , cuddle , kiss, love, care for my baby and I just love it. Then I have days where I question my love her and doubt myslef and it just upsets me so much. I just wan't to be like any other Mum and be totally smitten with my baby every day!! I want to come off amitriptyline but I worry i will get my horrible anxiety, where my body and mind go through hell.
So now I have developed silly routines at night and have to put my baby to bed in a certain way, tell her I love her with all my heart , I have to say specific things and go to bed in a certain way , because at the back of mind I think if I dont do it, I will go back to being anxious.......
As time goes on i'm having more good days than baf, but I just want to be free of not worrying that I dont love my baby. I want to love her every day and no I do , like my partner does, sometimes I look at them both together and think 'I wish I could feel like that'

So there you go. A bit disjointed letter I no, and I do apologise for my spelling, it's not my strongest point!
Any feed back would be so appreciated , as I just want to stop thinking these things, and I have thought about the same thing for a year now!So any feed back I would really, really appreciate.

Kind regards , Rose.

[sixpack]

well congrats on the baby and welcome to the ZONE.


as you said you already had an existing anxiety before having a baby.  Having a baby will cause anxiety even a person who doesn't.  It sounds to me like you are getting from both ends.   

My biggest question is what are you doing to work through all of this OCD type behaviors?  Meds are helpful but not a cure by any stretch.    My suggestions are:   

1. Therapy---meds if you and your doctor feel it is appropriate---everybody is different on this issue.
2. self-help books--lots of good stuff out there these days ---Claire Weekes has good books out there that explain how it all works.  I read The Roadless Traveled by M. Scott Peck many years ago.  He speaks to people in a variety of ways.  He has a few other books too.   
3.  Exercise---even if you don't want to.  At first you are likely to feel miserable and panicky feelings are likely to bubble up OR rush at you.  It is BEASTY (your anxious overthinking) causing this.  But do it anyway.
4.  Eat a healthy diet.  This helps on all kinds areas of your life.
5.  Forums often have helpful advice.
6.  Hobbies--anything that completely immerses you in it and keeps you occupied.  This helps because eventually you'll get snippets of time when you feel good.  These are teaching moments because then you know it is obsessions/anxiety mucking with you.  After a while those snippets turn to hours then days etc.
7.  Don't pity yourself.  You can have a happy life.   As we experience life, we change.  Having any form of anxiety will impact your life just like all life experiences do.  But that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Even once you are on the road to recovery, you will have a 'new' normal but that doesn't mean you aren't happy and fulfilled.

[rose_mummy]

Hello and thank you :)

I'm quite a fit person, 5 ft 5 and 9 stone. I walk with my baby in her pram everywhere and anywhere really. I play hockey also.
I have a few self help books, and I have read and researched nearly every intrusive thought website on google!! I just can't get the thought that I dont love my baby out of my head... I understand i'm making it worse by clingining onto it, but I guess it's sort of a self forfilled prophecy.
I just want to get these horrid nagging thoughts out of my head .....

Thanks for your reply.

Rose.

[rose_mummy]

 Any other replies, really would be so much appreciated .

Thank you, Rose.

[ocdmommy]

Rose,

   I am not sure that I can give you any more advice, SIXPACK basically covered all the bases!! :)

I have recently struggled with intrusive thoughts and pure " O " ... I have been in therapy since the beginning of August. I honestly didn't start feeling alot better, meaning that I didn't feel at peace until about a week and a half ago. I just continously tell myself and sometimes even have to say outloud " This is silly, you don't feel that way, I am not afraid of you { meaning the thoughts }, I demand that you go away right now, I am going to continue to think positive and I won't let you { thoughts } get me down, so give it your best shot, but it won't happen " ..... I got so encouraged and ready to fight this once I figured out how the mind works and how that honestly, my sub-conscious was trying to beat the hell out of my conscious by presenting the thoughts as " a problem ".... you know it basically says that the subconscious gets a thought and presents it to the conscious as a problem, if you will.. and it says that then, those of us with OCD, our minds automatically assume that we have to " solve " the problem. And then it states that those with " normal " minds, they also get thoughts, but it is never presented as a " problem, that needs to be solved "....

My intrusive thoughts are a problem for me, however I don't need to make them a problem in my mind.... if that makes sense.  I fully trust myself and know that I would never ever harm a soul.... so, I go back to who I truly am, my faith, my values and morals.  It has been very hard to go through this, but this board has helped me tremendously!!! If you go into the success story part of anxiety zone, that helped me ALOT to read how other people had beat this!!! It gave me alot of encouragement and warmed my heart.

Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers!! I truly believe that you love your baby with all your heart!! I believe in YOU and I don't even know you!!! Hang in there sweetie! One of my most favorite uplifting songs to listen to is  " This too shall pass "!!!!

[rose_mummy]

Thanks greatly for your reply, it was much appreciated so thank you :)

I no exactly what you mean by your conscious and your sub conscious, the mind is a very powerful tool and tries to trick us into feeling things that are very much not within our morals or beliefs.

I understand why I think the things I do , I just need to learn how to accept my thoughts I guess and not freak out about them and believe that I do love my little darling with my whole heart.

I think it will take me time and practise, but I pray that it does not take me too long to recover from.

Thanks again,

kind regards, Rose.

[ocdmommy]

Yes, yes, and yes... the mind will try and make you think and feel things that are irrational and unrealistic. I heard a saying the other day" Fear creates irrational thoughts "... so, when you become unafraid and not anxious about them anymore, then essentially, they go away. I now look at my thoughts as the " past ". I am having a tad difficulty with thinking like " Oh my gosh, did I really think like that "... but, I have to NOT beat myself up about this. I cannot change the past and those thoughts that consumed my every thought... but, I CAN and WILL make the future a positive and uplifitng one. :)

Please let us know how you are, and keep in touch! Everyone on this board is wonderful and so helpful!! Hugs to you!!! Start believing in yourself more, and you will see a world of difference. Easier said than done, but I believe that you can do it! Sharing your story was a major turning point for you, and you have accomplished that.  So, next step is to believe in yourself and don't listen to those irrational things that your mind is TRYING to tell you... they are rubbish!!! 

[rose_mummy]

I have had an ok day, but the thought that i dont love my little girl is still lingering in the back of my mind. I just hate thinking it, sometimes even i think i believe it and its horrid, the reason i sometimes believe it is because i have been thinking about the thouht that i dont love my baby, for a whole year now! I feel an awful mummy for thinking it, and when i have a really bad day it makes me look at her differently as im thinking that i dont love her so frequently. I will defeat this horrid intrusion of my mind, it just seems to be taking forever to stop thinking it. I think sometimes that i dont want another baby with the fear that the same thing will happen, when i have always wanted a big family and in my rational mind i no i want a big family but my irrational mind does not want another baby with fear of being anxiety stricken again.
I feel bad for complaining about trivial things, after all aslong as my baby and my partner, myself and my family is healthy, thats the main thing, i get so cross with my self as life is too short to worry and i find time to worry over stupid things. .............