I'm stuck and need some advice

[jinky]

I was with my ex for about 9 years.  He was 10 years older and drank a lot and was a little rough with me.  Anyway I broke it off with him a couple of times.  When I finally broke it off for good he stalked me and constantly txt'd me and rang me and accused me of all sorts.  Then he started making crazy threats like he wanted me dead, and he was going to tell everyone that I killed his baby (he made me have a termination when I was 17).  I felt that the threats were disrespectful, and the stalking pushed me to my limits.  I got the cops involved twice.  We have now been apart for about 4 years give or take, I don't know for sure because I have tried to forget him. 

During the last 4 years I have been trying to heal and have been working on getting my self esteem back up.  I had my first panic attack in 2005 as a result of this and work issues, and am now much better, experiencing almost no agoraphobia any more, but still experiencing anxiety in crowds and unfamiliar/crowded places.

I have been interested in a couple of guys.  There was one that came around all the time and we hung out and chatted about everything and developed a huge bond, but he was clear that he only wanted to be friends.  I felt hurt and confused.  I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be with me, but wanted to hang out nearly every day.  Maybe I should have asked him, if I was brave enough.  He was a bit younger.  He moved and we rarely keep in touch now.

Now, finally, I feel like I would like to have a relationship.  My problem is I am heaps shy with guys that aren't already friends, and I feel like I have huge trust issues still that I don't know how to deal with.  I don't want to be alone, but I feel like I am stuck.  I also reject any advances from guys for the stupidest reasons.  I find the smallest things to criticise them over and thats it.  I think I'm just scared to let someone back into my heart.  The only thing is that it has been so long since I have really warmed to someone, and I am scared also because I don't want my heart to close forever.

Any help would be appreciated, Jinky

[ladyK]

Well who wouldn't have some trust issues after the way your ex stalked you and such.  I don't understand people who seem to want to hang onto someone who obviously doesn't want them anymore.  I can see how that would affect you for sure.  My advise is to take your time, love comes when we least expect it sometimes.  And from sources we didn't expect.  I know it's hard to be alone when you really just want someone to share your life with.  But finding someone who loves and respects you is far more important than just "someone".  Maybe step out of your ordinary or safe zone and join in a group, sport or cooking class (whatever suits you).  Just widening your circle of friends may bring that special someone into your life.  I know you said you're very shy so not sure if this advise will help you.  Good luck.

take care, ladyK

[lt33]

Hi,

Lady K's advice would be my own, go out and have fun on your own and things will happen naturally. Don't mind being shy, as long as it doesn't stop you from saying what you want. Actually, it's charming... 

[NightOwl]

You are pretty much doing what my psych says I am doing.  Wanting a relationship badly, but then finding some reason to push them away.  In my case she said I don't feel lovable so I push away people who show interest in me.  Or I try to. 

I don't know how to help, I guess.  I have had a hard time with it myself still.  Supposedly the higher you get your self-esteem... the more you will accept others caring about you.  Basically deep down you don't think they could care about you, so you find reasons why they aren't right for you.

[jinky]

Thanks for the replies.  Nightowl, I can relate to the self esteem thing.  The thing is, its in better shape then it has been for years.  I'm not quite at the megalomaniac stage yet, but I do walk with more confidence, and can hold my own semi ok in conversations after I get over the initial anxiety about being in public and with other people, but I don't quite let guys into my personal space yet.  I guess I still have a bit of work to do.  I feel ready, but something is stopping me, oh well, maybe I haven't fully moved on yet then.  Thank you for your insights. Jinky