Hi! My story...

[lee]

Hi everyone, i've been looking for this website for ages now, hope it can help me!

Right, i'm from the UK, so some of you might not understand some of the things I tell you, but, meh!

I left school when I was 17, never went to University because i'd had enough of being told what to do.  So instead, I went to work as a builder with my father, and get told what to do more than ever...  I'd got the right qualifications to go to University, I just wanted my own trade, something I could look back on when i'm 60, and say, "Yeah, I can build a house", which is why I went with my dad.  I had a good 18 months (difficult to pick it up, but I expected that), before my anxiety.  It was around the time that I was set for a college placement to learn how to become a bona fide bricklayer, that my problems began.  I couldn't for the life of me get on the train and go for my interview, I had no idea why, I just couldn't.  Neither did my mum or dad, who were both stunned as I sat there in the living room sobbing about not wanting to go.  I had had no problems before this, so as you might expect, it all came as quite a shock to my system!

But not everything sprang up from there, I still did everything else I normally did, like working, and going to football (soccer to you guys!) games with my friends, all round the country.  Then my friend phoned me up one day and said "Have you ever had mumps?"  I hadn't, and sure enough, two weeks later, I had!  The after-effects of mumps included diarrhoea, which was very embarassing and formed part of the reason why I couldn't do anything, what if I needed the toilet, and couldn't get away?  In time, the diarrhoea disappeared, but I still felt the same sensation, of needing to be near a toilet, very embarasssing 

After having three weeks off work, I seemed to go downhill, not feeling ready to go back to work, although I was physically capable.  I couldn't understand it, and as the football season was now over, I couldn't test myself by going out with friends, which meant I was housebound more often than not again.  About the start of August 2004, the whole family, including my younger sister, and my uncle, aunt, and cousin, were ready for a 3 week trip to the US of A (anyone ever been...?), but on the last day, I simply couldn't go.  I think if I had gone, I would have had no problems in the future, but I didn't, instead staying at home.  I got my season ticket for my football season again, and the first game of the season fell while my family were away.  My friend came to pick me up, and again, at the last second, as I had got in the car, I had to go back, making up some stupid excuse.  I couldn't believe I wasnt going the game, I hadn't missed one in 7 years.  It was serious now.

When my family got back, the football team (Sheffield Wednesday) had another game, and I suprised myself by going with my dad to the game, and having no problems.  Probably becuase he knew what I was going through, if not fully understanding it.  But that was the last time I went for a year.  I had 9 months of sheer hell, having to listen to the radio for my teams results, instead of being there.  I couldn't work, or do anything that might lead to panixc attacks.  During this time, I had a mental health specialist come to see me once a week, and she helped, but I chckened out of going to group therapy, which was offered.  I went on seroxat/paroxetine for about a year, but I didn't feel as though it changed me, and I came off them.  I lost contact with friends, who had tired of my excuses and couldn't even go to the barber to get my haircut, as I didn't feel upto sitting in the chair for long enough.

The only thing I had kept my passion for was my football team, and I watched the tv, as they they reached the play-off final.  On the way back from the pub (which had been enough of an ordeal as it was), my dad told me he was getting tickets for both of us for the big final, he would get me an aisle seat, and do everything he could to help.  I was as nervous as hell in the week leading upto the game, but come 29/5/05, I was up at six, my head in a spin, my stomach was gurgling, which was the last thing I needed, and I got in the car for the trip from Sheffield to Cardiff, approximately 200 miles.  The furthest i'd gone in a year was half a mile.  A mile down the motorway (about 2 kilometres, don't you Americans have metric now?), we were the first on the scene of a major crash, and my anxiety didn't have time to come into things, I just had to act instantly, and help those involved.  After an hour, we were back on our way, and the singing and smiling of earlier had disappeared from the car, replaced by solemn faces.  It put everything into perspective, and in a sick kinda way, was a blessing in disguise for me.

Within 3 hours, we were there, along with 40,000 other Sheffielders for the big day.  I walked around the city centre with my dad, having a great time, until about 1 o'clock, 2 hours before kick-off, when I had a major panic-attack.  The biggest yet.  "What am I doing here?" "Why did I think I could do this?" "What if I need the toilet?" And so on, to the point where I nearly passed out.  My dad got me a drink from a bar, and I setlled down a bit, although not completely, and I seriously considered not going into the stadium at 2.30pm, and instead returning to the familiarity of the family car.  Instead, I shut my eyes, and walked through the turnstile.  I never felt a thing for 3 hours as I was too caught up in the game.  In a fairytale ending, we won in the last seconds, and I hugged my dad, tears rolling down both our cheeks, it was just meant to be.  I had done it.  The road back felt fantastic, as we hooted every passing Sheffield car.

But it wasn't the end of my problems.  I had done the biggie, but I still found it difficult.  I steadily worked my way back in to work with my dad, an hour here, half an hour there, before I was working whole afternoons, and going back to regular football games when the new season began.  I even went to the barbers, which for me, was the icing on the cake.

However, 2 months ago, the clock went back, and I suddenly found myself having panic attacks again, and I didn't know why.  Last month, I had a biggie at the big football game again, and had to seperate from my friends while I found the only seat spare next to an aisle, where I collected myself again.  I then didn't see my friends for a couple of weeks, making any excuse, just like the old days, to get out of going out, and Saturday is the first game since the last one, and I ain't looking forward to it.  In an hour, i'll be going to work, and i'm not looking forward to that either.  My mum and dad don't know what to do, they thought, like I did, that i'd beat it, but of course, it's turned out different.

I know though, that I CAN beat it, nad HAVE beat it before, WILL do so again.  It's just a matter of time, I know.

Sorry this was long, had to get it all off my chest!  Hope some people can identify with my problems, and can help me for the future, and hopefully, it has helped others.  It's not a problem to be scoffed at.  My dad used to say "It's just your head, just say no...", but he's learned like I have, that it's just not that simple.

Thankies for reading!

[apple]

You are very lucky your Dad understands and is patient, my parents just thought I was a lazy pity party looking for sympathy for many many years, they finally get it now.

There are a variety of ways you can change your thought behaviors, Behavior therapy is the best answer I've found so far.

Hope through this forum you find what you need to once again recover...but if anything you will have understanding support!!

Apple

[lee]

Thanks for the reply apple.

As with you, my parents at first thought I was just being lazy not wanting to go to work.  With this bit of a re-lapse I have had, they have seemed to get a bit tetchy again, but I suppose that's understandable.

If I wasn't working with my dad, I probably wouldn't be able to work anywhere else.  As you say, i'm lucky to have them, as they are both patient and understanding!

[lee]

Just got back from work, and was shocked that I had no problems whatsoever!  True, i'd only been there 2 hours, but i'd been dreading it all morning, so i'm dead pleased!

[apple]

Glad to hear it, the more that happens the better!!

[ironspade]

It's true that a lot of people don't understand this disorder.  Trying to get on disability with it is a nightmare.  It's just not taken seriously by family, peers, and coworkers.  Most in the mental health care field are only just now catching on to how hard it is for us.    Good luck to you.