Watching as the four walls come closing in, saving each breath as if it might be her last as she clenches her chest. She prays she searches for the ways and hows by piecing jagged puzzles together as if it where a map showing her life on how things got to be this present way. The present so much to bear she looks at the past, when things seemed so simple, so easy, she cries wishing to go back to the x amount of time. The picture Kodak moment of a happier time although any outside witness can see that it was a sugar coated fiction take of reality. Guarded by the mind to believe what it wanted yet far held from the truth. Seeking the past of things that were praying they will come full circle. Scribbling out words and phrases to her own liking in the book that brings insight to the soul. She draws pictures and figures of past times that brought her happiness. Still the bleeding words of things written before set through the pages staining them with her faults, her crimes, her troubles. Crying out into the stillness of the night in a padded cell that she calls home. Comfort outside these walls is far to come by yet in here she lays protected and numb to things around her. White wings with shining armor light up the once darkened room. Her book disappears into the light as she scrabbles to return it safe to her own hand. As the light fades she sees a brightly colored book left in place of the one that held her deepest thoughts. Quickly opening the book she gasps at the sight of her picture perfect "Kodak moment" stapled sloppily on the opening page... Horrified at the sight she sees as her shield of things that were shatters in the midst of it all. Acknowledging for once that pictures aren't always what they are cut out to be, standing back realizing things that were, those where the pieces that fit her questionings on roads that got her to this stumbling fork. She stands looking at three pathways, one that takes her back to the delusional fictitious world she once lived by. the second, a pale pathway leading into a still fog, slowly fading away, slowly rolling in and out of the twisted hills, people lay around willing to talk yet nothing comforting ever comes out. The third, a golden path that leads to stairs, stairs going up, down, sideways crooked, like a picture of a famous staircase puzzle world, like you saw as a child in "Labyrinth". A warning sign lays on this road, she reads, "The hardest path one could ever take, each stair a test thats outcome brightens the soul. Each step a way to get higher, even though some lead down, they always go back up. . . Grabbing her book tight she writes a single note.... "Nothing is ever what it seems, yet now I see, that girl in the window is who I was, not who I'm meant to be.... Uncertain of where this road might lead, but somewhere deep hidden in the end... is who I was always meant to be...." Closing her book she walks on, never looking back into the window of her past, she takes her first step onto the staircase of her new life......................
In life, people (including me) especially those with panic attacks and anxiety, focus so much on getting back to where they once where, that feeling of normal, where extreme chaotic thoughts where so unheard of they didn't even stumble across the mind. While looking and pinning over such things we loose sight of what is, why would you want such things back? It was those things that brought you to the present situation. Reality sometimes becomes dull to the mind and reason is beyond any understanding. Confusion scatters and runs through the twisted thoughts that poke and prick at us during the hours of the night. Wishing praying to get back the things that were, for some sense of sanity beyond the madness. In reality you think this isn't "you" you are always you, always have... heehee always will be, you have to accept your new form, it's a new form of your once old body, like a snake leaving it's skin behind and becoming someone new. In the same you are a new shell, think of it as a new beginning, a fresh start, although sometimes hard to find and look too through the adrenaline the mind tricks play. But take your fresh start, accept and love yourself for who you are, and look for your path, the path that leads you to the stairs of fighting your illness whatever it might be. Finding your passions, piecing together not your old life, but the new life, the better life you are going to have because you understand and are thankful for so much more than you once were...
My prayers and thoughts go out to all of you who suffer the evil mind tricks that are played on you day by day, weather through meds or your own will I hope you find the things that help you move on and lead you to a better stronger you, a person who's STRONG!! COURAGEOUS!! LOVING!! and so much more than what you see now... Maybe one day you will be able to help others move forward as you learn the tricks to battle the illness that lays inside.... Take care.. hope this made an ounce of sense... <3 LOL sorry i write to much <3 thanks for reading !!
