self harm

[crashley]

hey all
 ive been a self harmer( lack of better terminology) since before i was  10  started off  hitting myself then  advanced into cutting burning   and scarring.  i was wondering if any one else  has had these experiences with their anxiety ? i  think its a form of control and a way to "feel " when nothign else is working  not that i reccomend it  b/c i dont feel its a healthy alternative  .. i havent self harmed in over a year but  that being said darn near 17 years is a long time to  do it . ..i used to do it b/c i couldnt feel anythign i was numb to the world always a smile to  everyone but inside i was dead .  im slowly starting to be able to feel with out such a swing  in emotion... used to laugh and then get mad at myself  b/c why would i laugh...  the things  we do to ourselves is worse than anything done to us ......so if  have  self harmed  or are why do u do it?  how did u stop ?

[Cuchculan]

I do it at times as a form of distraction. Which in reality I know is dumb. May distract the mind for a while. But then you have the days that follow. Arms full of marks that you have to hide. Summer months wearing long sleeved shirts. I always said it was a mugs game. I did stop for about 10 years. Simply by asking myself why I really done what I done. And did it being any sort of end result. The answer was no. It done nothing to help me at all. You still feel as you do. Before or after cutting. What have you actually gained by cutting? Marks on your arm that sting like feck. And will continue to do so for a few weeks. Arms that you have to look at and think ' why on earth did I do that '. I just think it is a spur of the moment thing. My worry. You cut, you get used to so much pain. Does that mean that some day you will have to cut deeper to feel the right amount pain you want to feel? Thus, by pure accident you might cut too deep one day. As you learn to tolerate more pain. They are the acciendental suicides we often hear about. The person wasn't meaning to him / herself. Just wanted to feel a certain level of pain. I can't speak for others. Just for myself. Never proud of what I do. Always feel stupid afterwards. We live and we learn.

[GreenThumb]

For several years in college I self-harmed - cutting and burning. This was before the point that I developed GAD. It was a really rough emotional time for me. I was right out of high school and going through a lot of changes and learning who I really was. I started cutting because I wasn't sure how else to find a release from all of the powerful emotions I was feeling - shame, guilt, sadness, loneliness, all that good stuff. As college wore on, I eventually started hurting myself less and less, to the point where I haven't even given it a thought for the past 5 years or so.

Years later, after my GAD hit hard, I started seeing a therapist and learned a few things about self harm. Most people who self harm tend to turn their emotions INWARD against themselves, as opposed to OUTWARD to other people. We tend to bottle things up and not share with others if we're sad, angry, lonely, etc. Because of this, emotions can tend to build up and we have a hard time finding a healthy release. I know that when I would cut, there would be a building up of emotions until it got to a breaking point and then I would cut and immediately feel relief and calm. It was a way of punishing myself for not feeling right and not living up to others' expectations. Not a very healthy way of dealing with your thoughts, I'll admit.

There was also the "addictive" part to it as well, though. I don't know about everyone else, but once you hurt yourself, your body sends out a rush of endorphins to dull the pain and start healing...this rush of relief can become addictive in a way, especially for someone who is sad and emotionally hurting to begin with. Again, not the best way to try and feel better...

I think that I ultimately stopped hurting myself due to several reasons - I started a relationship with my future husband, which gave me more self confidence and a source of happiness and acceptance. As I worked my way through college I was better able to understand who I am and come to accept that, regardless of what my family and friends thought. I started to realize that I need to love myself and take care of myself, not punish my body for things beyond my control. A healthier way of dealing with difficult emotions is to talk to someone - anyone - a parent, friend, significant other, therapist, etc. Eventually you'll find that you don't need to hurt yourself in order to cope with your emotions.

I look at my arms now with all of the scars and wear them as a badge of honor. Yeah, they're not pretty and they probably freak some people out, but to me they are a symbol of the strength I had that let me overcome that part of my life. Don't feel bad that you self harm, just try to find healthier outlets for your thoughts and emotions. You are not alone, there are lots of us out there. And most of all, start loving yourself - we all deserve love, period. 

[Kaizykat]

I often hurt myself and not realize it until I wake up with bruises the next day. I tend to poke myself until I leave marks and, if my hands are clean, bite the first joint of my fingers. It's more of a coping mechanism than it is me trying to hurt myself. I guess focusing on the pain helps get my mind off of whatever I'm freaking out about.

[crashley]

 as mean as this sound sim so glad im not alone
     i think it is addictive in a way  that  when i was doing it  i had to  so that i could feel or not feel depending on the case.... and  i think  the more u do it the more  u need to   go deeper go harder  do somethign more extreme .... wow  im not used to talking about this thank u all !!!