My PTSD

[itsgot2bme]

I have PTSD from emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse from both my father and an ex-boyfriend. I have virtually no memory of 4 months of my life when the ex's abuse was at it's worst. I'm terrified to remember it, but know that if I don't remember at least some of it that I will not be able to heal and move forward. I just know that I'm tired of feeling this way, but I'm also tired of fighting. I'm ready for this all the get easier. I know it will with time, but I worry about my strength to keep going. Sorry for the out pour there, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I have no idea how I'm going to remember that time, but my therapist and I are working on it. I just hate that it may get worse before it gets better.

Thanks for listening.

2b

[popeye]

you  poor girl.as afather of 2 grown girls and  a grandfather  of 7 little guys.hard to understand  how  men can be  total animals.try  the chat line on this site,there are others  like you.i know this for a fact.good luck in your recovery.

[popeye]

i noticed you  are on line, if you  are  afraid  to go to chat,send me a p/m. or send one  to jane134.she is very good.

[AngelRage]

Hi 2B!

Just want to say I'm going through the same thing (again) right now in therapy. Trying to remember parts of my life and I'm terrified to know as well.

Remember we are survivors, we are strong, and no one can take that away!   

Right there with you... Take care, hope to see you in chat soon!

Luvs, 

[DABDA]

Wow.. i can totally relate to the physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse.  Mine came from my father and mother.  I also have times that i dont remember, years.  It is scary when it starts coming to the surface, but the biggest thing i do is remember it is just a memory, it is not currently occurring.

[Grandma]

I know that I was sexually abused by mostly circumstantial evidence.  I believe that the abuse started when I was preverbal, and that by the time I was old enough to have memories that would last into adulthood, I began dissociating during the abuse.  However, based on the things that I do remember, the nature of my flashbacks, and the patterns of my life, I have complete certainty that the abuse was real.

Is it important to remember?  I'm not sure. 

Is it important to identify, understand, and treat the symptoms of the sexual abuse as they negatively impact on our lives today?  Absolutely.

I believe that recovery is possible without memories, and perhaps even easier.  With memory comes validation that we did indeed suffer what we know we suffered, but with memory also comes more trauma.  I prefer to continue my recovery by healing myself from the damage rather than by trying to remember things that may be lost to me forever.

I still have bad dreams relating to my abuse, but fewer each year.  I haven't had a flashback in a few years, and they used to be crippling.  There a few topics that I won't expose myself to in books and magazines or tv and movies, but far less than there used to be.  I can remember my parents with little of the bitterness that used to always be with me. 

I believe that the best way to address most problems is to say, this is where I am and this is where I want to be - now how do I get from here to there?  In my case, I was able to get close to where I want to be without recovering memories.  Would I get closer if I remembered?  I doubt it, because the damage was too great to ever be healed completely, but I am satisfied with my work in this area and will continue to grow and heal as long as I live.

[DABDA]

for me sometimes when i remember something it almost seems like no that could not possibly have happened to me.  That cant be true no one would believe me if i said that happened to  me. I disassociate during the abuse a lot, and because of that actually have alter personalities.  But know that we are all becoming "one" is when i get a lot of my memories, because the alters were holding them, but now it is my turn.

i have realized writting will help me because then it is on paper, i dont have to think about it to remember to say later, it will always be there.  i dont have to keep telling the story over and over so that i wont forget it.