Getting hard to leave the house

[Pug60647]

I'm not your usual lazy or even introverted person. My anxiety gets a little worse every year though...I've been in 10+ bands in my life, played onstage plenty of times, loved it. I used to be the first one in the mosh pit and the last one out...that's about 4-6 hours of flailing around like an idiot in public. I worked in O'Hare, which was the world's biggest airport the year before I finally got into MH treatment. Right before that I worked in the Merchandise Mart/aka The Chicago World Trade Center. I've surrounded myself with crowds most of my adult life as a kind of "exposure therapy" i guess, even though I didn't know what exposure therapy was until maybe about 2 years ago.

I also had a problem with anger management...I would end up fighting in workplaces, bars, on the street...I'm not a person who actually thinks "something out there is gonna get me", factually. I just have bad anxiety, and I feel like people are laughing at me when I go out. It makes me want to beat them up of course since I have had the violence problem in the past. Or stab them, or whatever. I have had all those problems, Police were involved sometimes, more often than not I just knew how far to go & got away with everything. But I've been trying for years to get out of those problems and I've been in MH care, as an outpatient since 2004, for bipolar and anxiety.

I think I might just be paranoid. I barely get through a day without wanting to kill somebody for laughing at my symptoms. How do you personally deal with reactions to your symptoms?

...also, what do you tell yourself to motivate yourself not to become an agoraphobic. I'm getting to that point, and now I'm on disability so I guess I'm at higher risk to be an all out agoraphobic. I think I might be one already, even though I ride my bike every week, halfway across Chicago...take buses sometimes, go to the corner store...it's a far cry from a normal average adult's schedule.

Any tips you use yourself are very much appreciated, thanks.

[Brosephski]

The simple answer with a not-so-simple implementation is to continue to face your fears. Keep going out.

I'm not telling you anything profound, but probably a great majority of the time you're only imagining these people laughing at you. I'm not saying there aren't jerks out there who wouldn't laugh at seeing someone having a panic attack, but from your post it certainly sounds like you are letting yourself blow things out of proportion.

Could you elaborate on the 'people laughing at you'? I mean, are there people literally pointing their fingers and shouting, "Look at that dude suffering from anxiety! Haw haw!" ?

Honestly, if someone has a problem with your anxiety, it's not your issue. They've got the problem. When it comes to anxiety: The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.

On a practical note, from your second to last paragraph you don't sound like an agoraphobic at all.

[lilgina]

I agree with the previous post, you don't sound agoraphobic, perhaps just afraid of becoming agoraphobic.  Don't let that fear bluff you into thinking you may become that way; personally speaking, I've been to the point of feeling the same way and did not realize the strength I actually had to overcome it until I did overcome it.  And let me tell you, I felt so bad---almost paralyzed, not knowing what to do to get out of the anxious state I was in, but I did it. So, you have the power within you to keep doing what you are doing, going on your bike rides etc. and you can get better;one day thinking those thoughts will just be a distant memory.

[Pug60647]

Thanks a lot for the responses. 0213 Brosephski: yeah, I think most likely I'm paranoid and I'm the one who's causing the problem as far as the classic "they're all gonna laugh at you" thing. Usually when people are dealing with me at businesses, or other times when it's not people who know me personally, or will have to deal with me as regular associates, they seem like they get anxious and/or choked up and clumsy themselves. I'm probably just paranoid about it, because the one time I confronted somebody in public about it in the last few months, that person and everybody around said they weren't laughing at me. I just lost my temper & made a big scene, maybe for nothing. I feel like I can't trust my own brain to give me the right information to be appropriate in social situations nowdays...I should probably just adopt the "walk away" tactic in the future instead of loosing my temper. I haven't been the type to put up with bullying in the past, and that's what it feels like. Confusing, since I really don't know if it's happening or what. People say stuff "under thier breath", motion in my direction and laugh, but they could be saying anything, since they don't actually come up and insult me. They could be saying that guy reminds me of (insert celebrity here) instead. Don't know.

0213 lilgina: Even though I dread it every time I leave the house, usually this is what happens. I get out there, have a panic attack...then it's over in under 15 minutes (usually) and I'm just nervous, tense, and kinda "jerky"...it's hard not to slam stuff like doors, or if I try too hard not to scare people or whatever I end up moving like I'm wounded. Tricky to explain. What I mean is kind of like it's overkill or underkill instead of just normal movements. The same goes for social interaction...my close friends (girlfriend, family, etc) say I seem mad when I'm anxious, and timid when I try to act normal. Tricky to find the balance.

I think maybe I spend too much time thinking about my problems. Maybe if I dwell on them less, like this whole fear of agoraphobia, then I'll start getting more balanced again.

Thanks again for the help. 

[Brosephski]

Just like I thought. The whole nature of anxiety disorders is to convince us our worst fears are coming true. Sounds like you might have a bit of social anxiety. So naturally, your anxiety disorder is gonna try and whisper in your ear (he's a liar, remember): "Psst, they're laughing at you!"

Of course it's nonsense. Matter of fact, the notion that people besides those close to you even know you have anxiety is far-fetched. Besides, we have an instinct to help others when they are in danger. If I could see someone was visibly anxious or upset I wouldn't naturally find it humorous... I'd want to see what was wrong!

Sounds like by confronting these people you might be "fulfilling the false prophecy" of your anxiety. I.e., suppose someone was NOT even aware of your anxiety but they were laughing at a comic strip with a coworker... Then suppose you became convinced they were laughing at you! So you confront them... Naturally, they will find this weird and unsettling... And perhaps only then they might joke about it with a coworker... And you can't really blame them at that point!

Here's my point, your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. No one cares and eventually you'll come to that point!

You're fine, Pug. It's a big joke. Soon enough you realize the thoughts that propel your anxiety are just a big sham. 

[Pug60647]

"Here's my point, your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. No one cares and eventually you'll come to that point!

You're fine, Pug. It's a big joke. Soon enough you realize the thoughts that propel your anxiety are just a big sham."

This is exactly what I need to accept. No idea why it's so hard to pound this into my skull when the shrink, and other people are telling me this. Guess I keep on beating myself up for disappointing myself in the past by being a grown man with bad nerves, going into attacks at work, etc & having people clown on me in the past. Thanks for the perspective, I'm gonna work on this...you've been a big help 

[lilgina]

Pug, I know what you mean when you say you feel all wound up after a panic attack and how at times others don't know how to react to these feelings, just remember not to be too hard on yourself when you feel this way.  I can recommend a good book and maybe you have seen it mentioned here before 'Hope and Help For Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes'.  It was written many years ago but if you ask me Claire Weekes had a very insightful and knowledgeable understanding of anxiety, I think she was way ahead of her time on the subject.

Good Luck!   

[Forrest70]

Mine started like you pug i was always in fights been in a bunch of fights over road rage..But i really dont have the problem of going out i still get out when i can just to get crap off my chest i cant stand sitting in one place to long are being hung up in my house..but i suffer from h.a worry about illness..But i do take my meds before going out so i dont get pissy and have some one piss me off while driving are somthing stupied like cutting in front of me in line at a store.I guess we get so mad because we suffer silent and Doctors and normal people just can't understand.

[Pug60647]

Pug, I know what you mean when you say you feel all wound up after a panic attack and how at times others don't know how to react to these feelings, just remember not to be too hard on yourself when you feel this way.  I can recommend a good book and maybe you have seen it mentioned here before 'Hope and Help For Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes'.  It was written many years ago but if you ask me Claire Weekes had a very insightful and knowledgeable understanding of anxiety, I think she was way ahead of her time on the subject.

Good Luck!   

Thanks Lil, I'll check it out, but not from the library, they hate me lol. I'm trying to get better at just ignoring people, but it always feels like the only way I can do it is to tune everything out...real hard for me to do, and I end up catching myself in the middle of intersections on my bike, or on foot, almost getting hit...walking into doors, etc. Sounds funny but I'm serious. Normally just to walk down the street every bird, every car, every person's footstep...it all echoes for me, and fast movements, even by a squirrel, have me damn near jumping out of my skin. Maybe kind of like how you feel if you dive at the beach out past the shelf...that kind of underwater anxiety, you see a fish & you swore you saw a shark, etc.

It's just weird to me that I got like this while under treatment...hell even when I was off treatment...the symptoms just get a little worse every year. Also that I got like this while going out all the time & dealing with a lot of people all the time. *shrugs* Nice avatar BTW :)

Mine started like you pug i was always in fights been in a bunch of fights over road rage..But i really dont have the problem of going out i still get out when i can just to get crap off my chest i cant stand sitting in one place to long are being hung up in my house..but i suffer from h.a worry about illness..But i do take my meds before going out so i dont get pissy and have some one **** me off while driving are somthing stupied like cutting in front of me in line at a store.I guess we get so mad because we suffer silent and Doctors and normal people just can't understand.

That's always been what made me mad personally Forrest, of course other people can't help it though. It's like a vet trying to tell me how combat messed him up. Unless I go through it I can't really understand. I definitely know where you're coming from though, technically I should be locked up right now, and for who knows how many more years, but I have some kinda magic action movie luck or something.