Had impulse control/violence problems?...or are all those guys locked up?

[Pug60647]

I have come a long way since my really bad problems with anger management in my mid twenties, but I feel like a timebomb some days.

The weird thing is, I can't find the other ones with my diagnoses. Maybe we typically don't last long? I would like to find some who got better and adopt some of thier coping techniques and points-of-view on stuff that helped them get better.

Sometimes if I go to a bipolar community I can find one, or if I go look into anger management. I don't really have these problems now, but it's hard to fight it off sometimes with the constant judgement and embarrassment. I guess most people with panic disorder, who were the type to get mad about people's reactions either committed 0119, or got locked up. There seems to be a deficit of those kinds of patients.

Maybe these patients just keep to themselves. I know when you do bring those memories up, most people either just look down on you or think you're trying to scare them. It would be nice to hear that other people have had these problems and found better ways to look at life. I have come a long way in the last 4 years. Most of my old friends still fight all the time in bars, concerts, sporting events, on the street...I brushed them off and isolated myself. I put myself in "house arrest" for a few years there, but at least I don't have such a big anger management problem anymore.

Some of you people out there MUST be like me, where you go out and have a panic attack almost every time you leave the house...every time you get on the bus, every time you go to the store.

Some of you must be annoyed and frustrated after 10 or 20 years of people laughing at you. Some of you must be enraged from time to time at so much yearly degradation, humiliation, the gaping taboo/lack of empathy and common respect in our society, the fact that you can't walk up and explain "hi, I have panic disorder!" to every person who stares you down or makes snide comments when you have the shakes or throw up in the Walgreens line for no apparent reason. I mean sure I could make a sandwich board and wear it around...that would just make people laugh more, which could on a real bad day result in somebody in the hospital and me ending up maybe in jail with panic disorder, which would be inconvenient, seeing as how I just won my SSI/SSDI case and got my first benefit check from Social Security. I don't wanna throw all my work away.

Am I just too proud of a person, and I need to get humble?

I used to be a rowdy bar-hopper when I was younger, but I didn't pick on anybody who seemed weaker than me or like an "easy target".  When smaller guys picked fights with me, I turned them down, and told them go in peace. I hate bullies. I was one when I started school, then I became a pacifist for years because I looked at all the normal kids and realized I was lower than them. They had everything I wanted, like real friends, and I did all this extra work just for common respect. Not something to be proud of. With that point of view, I have kind of hated bullies ever since.

I can't be the only person who friends and family says "always seems drunk or high" when I'm the one who's always sober. This illness is humiliating, degrading and exhausting. If you're not beating yourself up, and you're not beating anybody else up for taking advantage of your weakness, what's your POV? How do you remain balanced & positive?

I would like to say "there are no wrong answers" but in this case of course, lol. I'm open to any helpful comments. I just wanna brush off the stigma more without feeling like I'm saying "hey! walk all over me, and all MH patients! here, let me turn around and bend over. is that better?".

[Dimeshorty]

Hi I just want to say that I know how you feel. My anxiety began with transportation. Everytime I would get onto a bus or car or anything that moved I would have to get off. It hadn't turned into a panic attack yet just anxiety attacks to the point that I have isolated myself in my town. Know since 2 weeks ago I just began experiencing panic attacks. I can't say that they were just happening out of the blue considering I just found out that I have to move out of my apartment and I just moved here 5 months ago. I get nervous when it's time to go to the pharmacy to the point of being on the verge of a panic attack. If I meet new people or even some people that I know I'm too conscious that they will notice my anxiety and that puts me on the verge of a panic attack.  When I go out with my bf I can manage but if I go out alone I'm sure to have a panic attack and I'm hyperventilating trying to get home to pop a volume to calm it down. I sit there breathing praying to God to help me. I'm afraid of having panic attacks in public but that is where they attack me. I just wanted to share my story with you and to let u know that your not alone. Many nights I'm just crying and scared that I'm putting too much of a burdeon on my bf.

Hang in There and don't hesitate to message me back

Dimeshorty