Relationship Anxiety Overwhelming

[layoffthecoffee]

I'm a 26 year old male and was diagnosed with GAD when I was 19. That was when I first acknowledged that my social phobias and worrisome ways were much more than "normal". I was put on Zoloft and saw vast improvement in my anxiety. I felt accomplished, relieved and...happy. I found myself in my first serious relationship and I stopped the Zoloft due to sexual side effects and feeling confident about being able to manage my anxiety without meds.

Through the years I've learned to cope with the many anxiety inducing situations be it money, work etc...

Somewhere in there I found myself in a very toxic two year relationship with someone diagnosed bipolar among other things. I'd be here all day if I were to go over the emotional baggage this girl came with. Needless to say I could not fix everything for her. I found my self at my personal worst as a person. After two years of being lied to, berated, cheated on and physically and mentally abused it ended.

So I find myself single and feeling quite broken at the start of 2010. I had a bit of time to heal but jumped back into the dating game earlier than most (female) friends suggested. I wasn't set on being too serious or finding the "one." But I ended up meeting someone quite amazing.

We hit it off...so aftter some resistance on my part I let happen whatever would happen. We've now been together five months, living together and very happy.

The problem? I've never felt so much anxiety concerning a  relationship in my life. ALL of my negative, irrational thoughts revolve around something going wrong with this woman who is such a source of positivity and happiness for me.

The biggest what if's are: "What if we don't last." "What if she finds someone better" "What if she cheats on me"....among other simillar thoughts. The worst is while I'm at work. The knot in my stomach never goes away. It makes it hard to focus at work. And hard to just be content like I truely know I am.

I don't want these feelings and thoughts to be a stressor between her and I. There were a couple weeks where they were. For the last two months I had actually become nearly anxiety free. But for some reason in the last week and a half it's been elevated to extremes that make things much harder than they should be.

Im affraid to go on meds as we have a healthy sex life and I don't want to be on something that will zombify me either... but on the other hand breathing, relaxing techniques and the like just don't cut it for me. I'm not sure what to do.

[dots]

Hello there,

I feel like I'm going through the same thing anxiety-wise. I'm 20 and this is the first time I experience such anxiety concerning a relationship, except in my case it's a friendship.
When I read your post I could relate with the knot in the stomach, for me it's also a feeling of shortness of breath and a heavy heart. And this is usually before I'm going to talk that person.

I think it's because of two things. One, we're pessimistic because of past bad experiences, and no good ones prior to the current one. We're insecure and don't have very much confidence in our ability to be loved.

Second, we're probably idealizing the other person too much, and feel like there's no way we'd find a better person for us, so losing them or having a falling out seems like it would end our lives in a way. But if we're in love, then we're not seeing the other person objectively. It *always* feels like we could never recover if the relationship ends, that's just the way love is. But that's just not true.

Also, if the other person is especially sensitive or tends to take things the wrong way then we feel anxious because there isn't that sense of control over whether the relationship will go well. It could go easily go wrong unintentionally, and that's worrying.

I can't help much in terms of how to deal with it, or even how to understand it. I'm probably dealing worse with it than you are. But this is what my thoughts about it are right now. Too much idealization, and too little sense of control over our relationship.

But once again, i know nothing of anxiety or relationships, i just came up with these thoughts as I typed and these feeling are new for me. I need help too.

[layoffthecoffee]

Well I think you hit the nail on the head with the asessment of our situations.

Control is certainly a factor in my anxiety, relationship or otherwise.

I've come to all of the same conclusions and more over time. It's confusing in and of it's self that those of us with such irrational thoughts that bring about so much stress are able to step outside the situation and be rational enough to think and say, "this is why I'm anxious." But still not know exactly how to put a stop to it!

[dots]

Very true!
We're logical enough to figure it out but not enough to stop being illogical, confusing 

I'm considering the medication solution, I've never been on zoloft. Breathing techniques and such, as you say, don't work. I feel like they can even make it worse because it makes me focus more on the anxiety.

I sometimes manage to rationalize the situation enough the anxiety lessens, but then it comes back.

Does medication really work well? This is my first time considering it.

[layoffthecoffee]

Many people will attest to how well medication works for them. I can say Zoloft worked very well for my anxiety. However there are always the side effects to take into account. My girlfriend takes Zoloft for her depression and the differences are night and day and she experiences no negative side effects. Though I've heard many say Zoloft and meds like it work wonders for their depression and anxiety but left them not really feeling much at all. Sexual side effects with these medications appear to be very common. For some that may not be an issue. But for others they may be trading anxiety in for stress in the bedroom.

It's also not uncommon to work through a couple different medications until you and your doctor find what is right for you specifically. We all differ greatly when it comes to how chemicals react within out bodies.

As much as I'd like to try and treat this medically again I only find the idea causes me more anxiety. Making an appointment, talking to a doctor and the possibility of aforementioned side effects all just amplify my anxiety. 

[dots]

As much as I'd like to try and treat this medically again I only find the idea causes me more anxiety. Making an appointment, talking to a doctor and the possibility of aforementioned side effects all just amplify my anxiety.

true, I'm not seeing anyone and looking for one hasn't been fun. I'm on a tiny college campus and don't want this to get out really.

I also think that since the medication might not solve the root of the problem, it might just end up stalling the anxiety until I get off it.

Maybe a book on the subject is the best.

Thanks for your help ^_^  First time dealing with anxiety that lasts months so your advice is greatly appreciated.

[Snuz]

From what I understand, and what is true for me, is that anxiety is a tough bug to exterminate. What I'm reading in the current research is that trying to rid yourself of anxiety is only continuing a management technique that builds more anxiety. They say acknowledgment and acceptance eases the anxiety, so you are not paralyzed by it and you can function happily with it.

This book has changed my life, without ever going on meds.

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert.

Blessings!

[dots]

Thanks for the book recommendation Snuz, I just went to the bookstore last night looking for something to help with anxiety and couldn't decide so just left without anything. Now I have a title to keep in mind 

 

[Snuz]

Let us know if you get this book and how it goes!

[layoffthecoffee]

Thanks for the recommendation. I will definitely check it out.