panic!!!!!!

[mo]

is there anyone that can help me, i'm desperate.

Basically, i have been having intrusive thoughts since i gave birth to my baby 4 months ago. Looking back i think i had them with my first, however, i seemed tohave been a lot stronger and must have been able to rationalise better, but, i can't seem to shake anything off.

My thoughts are always to do with my beautiful babies to whom i love more than anything in the world and would protect them from anything, but i can't stop thinking 'what if i did this, what if i did that, etc, if i read anything or see anything on the tv, guaranteed my head will somehow turn what i have seen, heard or read etc in to an intrusive thought and its killing me.

I am a nice person , quite a sensitive person as my friends would tell you and wouldn't hurt a fly and hate feeling like this, i hate my mind, its making my life a misery, although i seem to pretend to people that things are ok, i don't want to burden them. sorry for bothering you all.

I think i might have to stop reading some posts because my mind keeps playing tricks on me. sorry.

I read somewhere about someone co sleeping with their children and worrying about if they had a dream etc and if they would do anything, well, i had forgotten but, because i had read it, it has brought back a memory of when my child co slept with me as they had been really poorly. i basically  was asleep and dreaming, turned over to stretch or something and my hand landed where her nappy was and shot up out of bed, 1) i forgot she was there and 2) the fact my hand landed there scared the life out of me. Even though, i know for a FACT that i woke up the moment i felt something next to me, i forgot about it, as it was all innocent etc, afterall i was asleep etc, i now can't get it out of my head 'what if something happened and i didn't know about it,' i know its my mind playing tricks on me and i know i am not an evil person, but i can't help thinking about it after reading about someone else.

Please, is there someone who can maybe reassure me that i am not a bad person, i am going to the doctors tomorrow.
 
So sorry for going on, i feel like i am the only one going through this.

Thanks if you have read it, sorry for going on, any suggestions or help will be so appreciated.

[eduk8or]

Mo,

This could just be part of your post partem hormones acting up.  I would talk to your doctor about it.  This happened to me as well and it is actually quite common after having a baby.  If it continues to bother you or you want more information NOW, read about OCD on some websites or in books.  Intrusive thoughts about your children is pretty common with this disorder.  You are not alone!!

[haileennevansmommy]

It may have been my thread you read about co sleeping, cuz i was sooo worried about a dream i had and waking up next to my son just freaked me out.. even tho i knew that was ridiculous, the thought of "what if" nagged at me and bothered me so much i broke down.

i talked to a counsillor and also my dr who both assured me that nothing will happen of this nature in your sleep... and im waiting to see a pych ina couple of months.

Im sorry if my post may have triggered u.. *hug*

But i will say is this... these thoughts disturb us, and they go totally against our values of who we are..and its our deepest innermost fears about anything happening to our children (our lifes treasures) that is causing these fearful thoughts. If you need to ever ask me anything or talk.. u can pm me. I know exactly what youa re going through.

[louloubell72]

Hello

I just wanted to echo what has already been said really. 
You are not alone, It is your mind playing tricks on you  .  I have had similar experiences since having my daughter, who is nearly 3.  Having children to care for and keep safe is a highly anxiety provoking 24/7 deal.  Like many anxious people(like myself)We worry about everything! We worry about what others may do, we worry about accidents that have not happened.  We worry about what we may turn out to be, etc.  I know the mad trip your mind is doing to you (i am presently having a bad one now  ) It is all anxiety and not real. 
As Eduk8or says, there are some good books out there.  I have read one called 'imp of the mind' and 'brain lock' and a few more but lots of helpful stories and advice. 
I actually never knew i had ocd til having my daughter.  Such a stressful time and i guess depending on what else is going on for you right now can add to this.

I hope you find the right help for your self.

Louise
x 

[mo]

Will i get better???????????
This last week has been a real struggle. I absolutley hate myself for feeling like this. Why am i having such terrible thoughts about the most important people in my life. I went to see the mental health nurse and gave me literature on anxiety and how to change my thinking.

i have to do thought records, the starting of cbt. she said i have low mood, so i suppose this postnatal depression to boot. i feel like such a failure as a mother now. my thoughts keep changing about one person to another and get more scarier and more horrible. i even thought if something (disgusting) happenned to one of them i wouildn't care, i mean, how can i even imagine that.

It breaks my heart that i can even think like this, it feels so real sometimes like i feel like i am actually a bad person. I can't stand it anymore.

Im going back to the doctors and asking for meds. I've tried without, but i really think i need something.
i'm just crying all the time at the minute, putting a brave face on to my family and friends but inside im falling apart. Sorry to sound so heavy.

I just would like some one to tell me that i will be better one day and that i can enjoy my life and all its joys again, becasue at the moment, i feel like running away. Sorry again for being such a misery guts.

[louloubell72]

Hi Mo

Just wanted to give you a cyber hug.

You sound very depressed at the moment so i would do as you planned and go to Dr for meds.  Just to help you cope with this very hard time you are going through.
You do care  as you are so upset by the idea of not caring.  I know from my own experience of depression after having my daughter that my mind was always looking for away out because i could not cope and was very depressed but because i was beating myself up for feeling like this i was making it harder for me.  If you look up symptoms of postnatal depression i would imagine you will identify with many symptoms on there.  Its easy for me to say this to you as its not about me but i can see you are a caring person because you are on here very distressed about it.  You are a depressed mother and i think medication will help.  I want to say be nice to yourself and stop punishing yourself for feeling so sad  It is not your fault, it is an illness and you will get better, you just need some help and some support.  I hope you have good family and freinds who you can use to give you a rest as i am guessing you are pretty exhausted with all this.  Sleep is vital!! to all mental health especially with a baby to look after.

Big hugs to you Mo


Louise
x