*My gradually worsening nightmare in my mind*

[haileennevansmommy]

This is my story and introduction guys... im new here.. ty for anyone who takes the time to read

My name is Julia and im 30 years old on aug 27th and i have two children hailee is 12 and nevan is 15 months old. I hope someone actually reads this cuz its kinda long, so bare with me.
Ive always been sort of a worrier and depressed at times in my life When Hailee was 2 years old, we left my abusive ex bf ( i was 19 turning 20) I then went on celexa and ativan for my anxiety and depression. I went on and off them for over a 5-6 years. They helped for the anxiety and depression but is till worried a lot about hailee and myself mostly health, or had visions of her being taken from me in some way or antoher... still i didnt think it would become much worse later on...basically if i had any disturbing or strange intrusive thoughts up till a couple years ago, i was much more calm and laid back and would forget about it.

The year 2008 , I got my first REAL panic attack where i couldnt breathe and went to emeerg 3 x thinking i was dying. So i got ativans to help with those , but didnt go back on the celexa.

I got pregnant with nevan in aug 08 and this is when things became much much worse for me in my mind. I started worrying if anything i did would cause the baby to be unhealthy or not normal, and i worried and googled EVERYTHING possible. The more i googled , the more worse i became. i continued to repeat horrible thoughts and scenerios in my mind throughout my pregnancy. And stopped doing the things i like cause i was consumed with worry, and dread.. i didnt play games, listen to music, go for walks, all the stuff i love.

I was 240 lbs when i gave birth by emerg c section to nevan he was 9 '10 and beautiful =) i was happy as can be. id never been that big in my life (Ive lost a lot since then but thats another story lol )

After he was born, i noticed the symptoms of health obsessing over him was much worse even though he was perfectly HEALTHY. Im not talking everyday normal worries for a new mom. Im talking , checking his crib every 2 minutes haveing to see his tummy move and breathing to feel ok, and going back and checking even tho i just SAW hes FINE. Also i was wrrying about any bump, bruise, mark, anything that my thoughts would say omg what if thats cancer or something very srs. one example was feeling his lymph nodes that are normal and thinking for months straight it was cancer, even tho the dr said its not. But i did this obsessing all day every day inside my mind, but continued to be happy as well cause despite all this , i m still happy most times in my life cuz of my family. I breastfed for 8 mo and so happy i did.. we have such a special bond. And i went onzoloft when he was 2 weeks old 50 mg, and we upped it to 75. Im still on it now, but weaning myself cause they havent made my obsessive worrying , doubts, intrusive thoughts better they have worsened. During the first 10 mo of nevs life i constantly worried about the lymph nodes on his neck being cancer, his soft spot closing and misshapen head in the back was craniosyntosis, and so on and son on and i was googling like CRAZY.

And it seems as tho the time frames of my worrying bring something new after a few days to worry about, and i seem to replay the thought in my head over and over again and try to say it differently in my head to make it sound better and more reassuring. =( god that sounds so crazy. and i cant control it. A few mo ago i started remembering my searches for all that stuff and started thinking " what if the cops came and saw those weird paranoid searches and take my kids away from me for being nuts" so i start telling hailee be good on the computer i dont want trouble so no cops come.

I havent been worrying a lot about nevans health because hes getting to be older , and ive gotten out of that horrible time of obsessing (about that particular subject)... but i still feel like its worsened as now i m starting to wrack my brain with past memories to reassure or prove things to myself that things are ok. =/ if that makes sense.

The latest obsesssion im having now , tops the cake. I ve been in a nervous brk down now for 2 weeks... and thats how i found this site. It involves an innapproriate dream, and i found myself thinking about it and wondering why the hell i would dream something like that, and obsessing about how my mind could even think such a thing even in a DREAM..but my logical side of my brain says "ITS ONLY A DREAM" and now im finding myself trying to dig up OLD dreams from YEARS AGO!!! and analyze them and pick them apart and wrack my brain.

on top of that , when my son co sleeps with me (around 3 -4 am usually cuz he wont go back to sleep in his crib , and has done this since a newborn) i started worrying id do something in my sleep if i had a scary or sexual dream. And this latest one is what is driving me insane... cuz i know Id never do anything even in my sleep. I slept with Hailee till she was 6 and never sleep walked or anything so why would i now? ugh its just turned into a complete nightmare for me inside my mind. And i m very diff turning 30 than i was b4 Its all gradually becoming worse over the past 2 years.

I have never been diagosed as b4 my old dr and i figured it was anxiety and depression but i do strongly believe its grown into something much more different. Im not so much depressed, jus anxious and obsessive esp over my kids and possibly losing them in some way or another, and i also am very suseptable to feelings of guilt about things that eat me alive. But i am feeling depression recently cuz im sick of my mind playing out ridiclous scenerios that would NEVER HAPPEN. My bf is completely deaf and we are havn issues also and its not helping my mental state.

Im weaning off my meds myself , and have dr appt on the 18th ( new town new dr )and will tell him i want to go off for a bit and see if it works better cuz its not making any difference. Dont get me wrong, i love my family and my kids, and they make me happy, but this thing in my mind is not.

I am reading a lot of stories that make me feel LESS alone than i do. And also, a couple things that are similar to how i feel also. I started dieting and excersizing and have lost 33 lbs since april which i feel awesome about, and im gunna start to take omega 3 in flax seed daily also cause i heard it can help with emotional well being. Also im trying to walk an hr at the end of each day as it keeps my brain distracted. However ive been praying and crying these nights saying please let me feel like i used to.. or help me overcome this.  I ve researched recently on the purely obsessive ocd  and am thinking i can relate to many ppl with this, and many of the symptoms of it.

i feel like im suffering a nightmare in my head.. and need any knowledge and support as to what to do from here.
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[goawayanxiety]

You are so much like other people with OCD (if that makes you feel any better).  I related to alot of the things you said, including awful thoughts, awful dreams.  Sometimes I would wonder if I ever was a child molester and have kept this in my unconsious because my conscious mind won't allow me to remember anything about molesting children, etc.  When I'm not anxious, it is soo much easier to let these grotesque thoughts go.  Reading the book "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Claire Weeks really helped me alot.  You can find the book on Amazon.com.  I also take fluvoxemine 150m daily.
The exercise is so good for us.  I also have started swimming laps at my gym.  Lost 10lbs recently.  Whether or not it helps our anxiety we may not know right now, but I believe that exercise helps us in every way; self esteem, etc.
Thanks for mentioning the Omega 3 (flaxseed), I've been wanting to try that myself and had forgotten.  You will be ok.  You seem to be very bright and are "searching" what can be best to help your OCD and anxiety. 
Email me privately if you'd like.  We probably have alot in common! LOL.  I'm older than you, female living with my man for 17 years.  Had terrible OCD at age of 31.  Started thinking about ridiculous embarassing thoughts, or guility thoughts, (that I knew were silly, but the anxiety made them seem horrible and that I was a sick person) My OCD has been pretty good over the years, but I'm having a setback right now. This website always seems to help me. 
Take care.

[haileennevansmommy]

sorry i havent been back on , ty for ur support .. im feeling much better these past two weeks after leaving this last unhealthy relationship i was in ( my sons father ) is an alcoholic.. and pushed and shoved me a few times and also a bit emotionally abusive over the past 2 years.

Im gettn into my new apt tmmrw iwth my kids, and him and i text sometimes about Nevan, and hes visited with him with other ppl and myself around a handful of times.

Ive been feeling better after talking with a counsillor and my dr about the dream and few thoughts i was having, and other symptoms and im actually doing a bit better. I know other ppl are experiencing the same fears, and feel the same way. i know reassurance can still cause my brain to ask more "what ifs" and look for exceptions, but they did assure me that ill be okay and get help , and that dreams , and thoughts are just that.. and that it goes against my values and thats what makes me so upset. Which my logical side, of course knows this.

however , im still having obsessions everyday , even about the littlest things. And also digging up old memories is a new thing for me lately.. and trying to remember them in the exact detail they happened. No matter how random , or meaningless they may be. I start to remember things i did as a child, or adolecent that make me feel guilty now where as i never did b4.

i sure hope there is an end to this nightmare... im on a waiting list to see a psych.. and did an intake thing online for the center here, and will be going to anotehr intake appt asap. im a bit scared to see a pych, as i dont want to start questioning or doubting everything they say, and i just dont wanna analyze everything that goes on, or feel labeled if im diagnosed. Im also afraid of ssri's as the zoloft im weaned down on was making me feel worse. I just hope this all gets better soon and i feel back to my old self again.