Scary/Bad Thoughts!!!

[Rae Rae]

For the past few months I have randomly gotten violent thoughts.. I don't get them everyday, just sometimes. I've never gotten them before & I don't know why they started, but they scare me. I get thoughts of hurting my almost 3-year-old daughter, but I know that I never would!!! Everytime the thoughts pass I feel a panic attack coming on. I fight so hard to tell myself that the thoughts aren't real or true & that my brain is just trying to trick me. They make me sick to my stomache.

Has anyone else ever gone through this before??? And what did you do that made the bad thoughts go away??

[FeelingOptimistic]

Hi Rae,

I read your post but I have never felt that way however I have heard of this before here and I'm sure those with experience will chime in.  That sounds awful and from what I've read, and this is off the cuff, I have heard that this is a form of OCD or similar disorder and because you recognize those thoughts as unwanted, you don't need to fear them.  I hope someone else chimes in soon, just know that I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

Feeling Optimistic

[Zeus]

For the past few months I have randomly gotten violent thoughts.. I don't get them everyday, just sometimes. I've never gotten them before & I don't know why they started, but they scare me. I get thoughts of hurting my almost 3-year-old daughter, but I know that I never would!!! Everytime the thoughts pass I feel a panic attack coming on. I fight so hard to tell myself that the thoughts aren't real or true & that my brain is just trying to trick me. They make me sick to my stomache.

Has anyone else ever gone through this before??? And what did you do that made the bad thoughts go away??

Unwanted violent thoughts are common with OCD.  I have a moderate case and had similar thoughts although it was a third party person, not family.  Are you on any antidepressants that target OCD like Paxil?

[ohmama222]

I am right there with ya.  It's called Intrusive Thoughts OCD or Pure O(obsessional).  There is a few threads on here under OCD that are really helpful and explain things very well.  Right now I take Abilify, Paxil and Ativan as needed for when I spike.  I am about to start CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).  I am determined to get this under control after all these years of ups and downs.  I had a bad bout recenty and finally am starting to feel normal again with meds.  I have the same ones that always scare me to where I can't eat for days.  You'd think after all this time we would just realize they are just thoughts and not reality.  I have never acted on 1 thought I have ever had.

This place is wonderful so keep coming back and posting if you need to.  You can pm me if you would like also.   

[Rae Rae]

I just started taking Zoloft a week & a half ago... I've had anxiety disorder for 3 years, but NEVER any intrusive thoughts! I also have Klonopins to take when needed. Sometimes I'll wake up and I'll feel that I don't want to be a mom anymore, but I know that's not true. So it upsets me and then I'll feel a panic attack coming on and I'll cry alot.. usually have no appetite through-out the day too. I am starting therapy in a few weeks so hopefully it will help. It sucks battling your own brain everyday.. I lost my job back in May and everything has gone downhill since.

[ohmama222]

I too have bad anxiety in the morning.  I try to just ride the wave until it starts to disipate.  I have had the same thoughts about being a mom.  You name it, I have had an IT about it.  Hang in there cause I promise you it will get better.  Take the Klonopin when you need it.  It is supposed to level out the anxiety so it doesn't peak. I am no doctor but I did take it for a bit and it helped keep things at bay.  Hopefully your Zoloft will kick in soon.  I am thinking and praying for you!!! 

[stressedgal25]

I have just read this post and I can't believe it because I've always been told I have GAD or PTSD but I have those frightening thoughts constantly at the moment, when I have them they scare me to death and then I start really panicking. Could this really be OCD?

[eduk8or]

Yes, this is a kind of OCD.  It is usually classified as harming or violent intrusive thoughts.  I have these about my children who are 13 and 10 and have had them to one degree or another since they were born.  The important thing to know is that typically people that have these thoughts are kind, caring, sensitive people that shudder at the mere thought of their children being harmed in any way, yet their anxiety chooses this as their target.  You will not act on these thoughts, that is why they are called intrusive thoughts.  As oh mama said, there  is a lot of info on this site and others about this type of anxiety.  I am taking fluvoxamine (luvox) right now to help with my intrusive thoughts and they have been much better lately.  It seems to go in cycles for me.  I can go a period pf years without much anxiety and hardly any intrusive thoughts and then WHAM!  my anxiety will sky rocket and my intrusive thoughts will get really bad again.  CBT is a great way to turn your brain around and teach you different ways of thinking about these thoughts.  Hang in there and know you are not alone!!

[stressedgal25]

That last post really helped me, thank you. This site is great for making you feel calmer, so glad I found it :)

[Rae Rae]

I have been on the Zoloft now for nearly a month & the thoughts have decreased ALOT!!! I'm so thankful that there is medication to help such horrible, unwanted thoughts! The other day I did start feeling nervous & sick to my stomach thinking about having to be alone w/ my 3-year-old! I was like oh my god this is ridiculous b/c I would never harm her!!!!!!! I had anxiety for a few hours after that.. I tried my best not to let it get to me.. that's so stupid to be "afraid" to be left alone w/ your own child b/c of thoughts that would never even happen! Ugh, lol.

[FeelingOptimistic]

So glad to hear you are feeling so much better!!

[Rae Rae]

UGH, I just had stupid thoughts this AM & have been having attacks on & off all day now... it wasn't even an intrusive thought, just that I didn't feel like getting up to take care of my 3-year-old. I felt sick to my stomach & was like what the hell this is so stupid!!! I cried after the attack & then my brain tried to make me feel afraid to be alone w/ her! I love my daughter more than anything & I hate this SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

[ohmama222]

Hi Rae Rae!!  How are you feeling?  Any better yet?  While recovering there can be a rollercoaster ride for a while so don't let a bad day make you think you are back to square 1.  It is not the case.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  I was so where you are at.  Now I don't even think about being left with my 4  year old.  When just a month ago I couldn't be left alone at all. 

[stressedgal25]

Hi,
I am having a really bad day! Finding it difficult to do anything, even be on here. My thoughts have escalated now. They are what if I lose control and flip out, hurting people. Just random people? Has anyone had this. I'm terrified, please someone tell me I'm not losing it?!

[eduk8or]

stressed,

Yes, I have been there!  I still get the feeling of "losing it" sometimes and it is really scary, but again, these are just thoughts your brain is making up to frighten you.  it is anxiety pure and simple.  Don't let the thoughts control you, you can control them by not giving them the attention they are seeking.

[stressedgal25]

It's so difficult though, isn't it? I try so hard not to think about my strange thoughts but they just 'pop up' all the time. How did you conquer it? You seem to be doing so well, gives me a bit of hope.

[eduk8or]

It is VERY difficult and I wouldn't say that I have conquered it because I still have to manage my thoughts everyday, but the key is that most of the time they don't make me super anxious anymore.  Of course I still have good days and some not so good days, but I am fighting the fight.  Try this exercise:  Think of a pink poodle wearing a polk dotted tutu.  Now tell yourself that this is a horrible thought and anyone who thinks about a pink poodle wearing a polka dotted tutu is a terrible person.  Forbid yourself from ever having this thought again.  What happens?  My bet is that you can't seem to stop thinking about the pink poodle in the polka dotted tutu.  That is because you just gave this thought weight and attached an anxious meaning with it.  This is what happens when you have your "bad" thoughts.  What you need to do is recognize the "bad" thought with something like "oh, there's my ocd again" and think about something else like what you are going to make for dinner or what you need at the grocery store or even better yet, notice your surroundings and REALLY notice them... what color are the leaves, what can you hear around you, how does the air smell... and let the "bad" thought just go out of your mind.  A good visual is to put the "bad" thought in a bubble and let it float off in to the sky.  Every time you have a bad thought, recognize it as ocd and busy yourself with something else to draw your attention away from it and just let the thought pass.  If you give it too much weight and analyze it and focus on it, it will keep popping in like the pink poodle in the polka dotted tutu.   Thoughts are just thoughts. They are like objects passing through your brain.  YOU give it meaning with the emotion you attach to it.  If you can learn to not attach emotion to your "bad" thoughts, but rather just observe them going in to and out of your awarness, then they will lose their power over you...

[Phylosophical1]

Dear Rae Rae,

   It seems that everyone is trying to label without fully analizing the situation.  Some of your questions you answered yourself.  You've had these thoughts three years, your child is three.  Perhaps you have had an issue with making solid commitments in your life, not that you would'nt or could'nt.  Your child may be the center of this, it's easy to walk away from an adult or a situation, but a child is something you can't walk away from.  I'm not saying thats what you want to do, only that you already have that knowledge and your brain or thought process argues the point potentially from years of some form of brain training.  I can't say this is it, but speaking as a single father of two daughters I can honestly say that its some what of a natual self preservation train of thought to have the desire to, o o delete or eliminate or exstinguish that which is holding you back or holding you down so that you can acheive the free spirited or organized life style that we are used to...  It's ok to have a bad thought, its better to know that you can control them.  You can't control the thought itself, because a thought goes through your mind at nearly the speed of light, its an electrical impulse.  How can you stop that, sure medication can help curb it.  Ultimately you need to understand that thinking bad is not wrong it's natural.  What you do after the thought is what's important.  Best wishes good luck.

[jeannie1974]

Sometimes I think when we get so overwhelmed by life events that something will misfire and will get some weird
thought which will take us aback and then will dwell on it and then it will scare us. Having small children and if there is
alot going on at a fast pace in your life and particularily now as it's the holidays it can overwelm you. Try to pace your days out and not crowd so much in and get enough rest. Don't be hard on yourself. I had some similar feelings when
my children were born and yet my children we everything to me. Now my girls are grown and one is married and the other is engaged.

I know when I was a new mom I worried about everything. I worried about being a good mother or If I was doing things the right way. I finally decided that I knew my children the best and do what I felt worked best for them and our situation and when things didn't turn the way I planned to roll with the punches and not be so hard on myself.

[babeuf]

these thoughts are very common with ocd.you are not alone.people suffering ocd mostly have these thougts.

[emmacharlotte1980]

hi im new here im glad i have read ur post i have suffered with these thoughts  ever since i had my first child and recently they have come bk and bit me hard and im really struggling im the same violent thoughts etc and not wanting to b left alone with with my boys cause i get scared t will get the thoughts and then have a major panic attack and lose control its horrible i know  exactly how ur feeling i get to the point where i think my boys would be safer without me but i know its all sillyness in my head but its still very very scary  xxx

[eduk8or]

There are so many of us moms on here who feel the same way.  I wonder if this could all be due to hormones because it seems a lot of us didn't have this before giving birth and them all of a sudden it kicked in.  It comes and goes and I wonder if that has anything to do with hormones as well.  They should do a study!

[Zachjon033]

it helps to see others with the same intrusive thoughts i deal with every day. Ive had OCD since i was 7 years old and mine has always been about the intrusive thoughts and just started out of no where one day. I have thoughts about harming loved ones and over the last two years ive kinda learned to deal with it without medication, Since ive had ocd my number one fear is that ill harm my son or my wife in my sleep ( while sleepwalking) and it terifys me because i feel it would be outta my control but then again so are the thoughts. alothough i now i wont and its just intrusive thoughts im affraid to go to sleep at night and end up staying up till all hours of the morning till i just pass out.

[Rae Rae]

Phylosophical: I did not have intrusive thoughts for 3 years. Yes, my daughter is 3 now but the first time the thoughts came were this year back in July & then a few months later I started Zoloft again & they seemed to go away. I have also been seeing a therapist for several months too. I've gotten SO much better & actually enjoy spending time w/ my little girl again!!!! 

Emmacharolette: I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling too, & bless you for being so strong w/ TWO boys!!! How old are they?

eduk8or: I've been thinking the same thing myself! My hormones were all messed up the day after I gave birth.. it's like I instantly got panic disorder!! I felt horrible & didn't know what it was until they said post-partum PLUS anxiety.

[hazeleyes]

these thoughts are more common then people think i have heard of alot of folks dealing with these same issues